Sitting

Meditation Journal – Day 20

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 20

am 1hr

Awake at 4, ready to go. Body weight is back to normal after losing some during the course, so I’m eating less in the evening, meaning I’m waking up naturally early. So I sat in the dark, Wild Berry incense cone delicious from the bathroom, C asleep nearby, in the pre-dawn approaching winter solstice time. Some birds began to call near the end but then were silent. The slow movement through the body, going down, up, halfway back down before time for metta. Some arm shaking, and each body part tightening as I moved by, connecting along the way. Quiet mind, nowhere else to be, life unfolding probably exactly as it should.

pm 1hr

Buzzing on Pizza Express breadsticks. Yeah they are like a drug to me. Drug sticks placed on the edge of the salad and they defy you to ignore them. Energised sitting, a kind of agitation about nothing. That’s what sugar/white flour in a baked combo does – puts me on edge from the inside, stimulated from within. Heart a bit faster, blood a bit higher, brain a bit speedier. Yes, a bit like the old speed. All this movement and there’s the body, sat still. That is until the vipassana started after 20 mins of something like breath awareness. (Rather, thought free time randomness). After a down then up, the head bowed forward and the neck tight at the back. And then the lips again, tighter and tighter, strange expressions I cannot pull. I say ‘again’ because it’s happened before, but each time is new, different, sensation and phenomenon observed. No needles this time but extreme tension in the lips and mouth in general, expressions held long. I move away but realise there is nowhere to go and moving only prolongs the painful wierdness. So I come back close, so near, and things shift into a different configuration, slowly, slowly changing expression, until finally they are released. Later I try to pull the expressions as a test or comparison, but it’s a pale imitation and without any tension. On the start of lovingkindness, I come back to upright, recovering, head aching dead centre, from the pizza express dope. On resuming activity, the frenetic browsing activity beforehand is no longer important.

Meditation Journal – Day 19

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 19

One month ago I was beginning the 10-day vipassana course / retreat. The practice fitted perfectly, right in there between yoga practice and the understanding taking place via awareness and Krishnamurti’s work, between the physical and the mental, emotional and energetic, awareness and sensation, and where the two meet is where things happen.

am 1hr

Went into sitting down with a problem or issue and for the first minutes the feeling: I really must resolve this, let’s work it out, go into it, dig about the subject. This continued for a while back and forth trying to make a decision, sort it out, the different elements wanting different things, fighting each other, or certainly clashing, once side against another. Or many sides. After a while the game became clear; that there is no solution this way, only conflict. And then I was wading through an old battlefield, the battle over, bodies lying where slain, the site of much trouble. There’s no action here, only residue of an old violent war. And soon that dissolved and the understanding that decision making is inherently flawed, that a side will always loose, and will not loose gracefully and so will resurrect. And the winner will be partial and crippled in its victory. So much time spent trying to decide things in life! I suppose I thought that if I wasn’t busy making decisions nothing would happen. And that’s kind of true but the things that happen after a decision are often really bullyish and dogmatic. ‘I’ve made up my mind.’ No, there is another way. It’s not clear how that other way works or where it leads but it is a thoroughly different approach.

pm 1hr

As I’d been reading and resting for some time before sitting I was able to work with vipassana from the beginning, moving gradually from prat to part, not too fast, not too slow, just as I was able. It’s clear when it’s rushed, fleeting – that’s the state of the mind. And too slow has no flow. Each area tightened as awareness passed through, and then relaxed to softer than before awareness came by. The grossest sensations were in the feet – which now crush up to the extreme unlike before when the arches prevented that from being possible due to the level of pain in the cramps – and the inner eyes, in behind the very top of the nose into the low forehead. I don’t exactly know where this is but it is very intense, a holding deep within the muscles of the face. Or is it energetic? Although it is painful I am not reacting with avoidance, more a curiosity and willingness to experience what’s there. Although it is tight and not pleasant, it feels good to touch upon these long-forgotten places. The sensations are their voice.

Meditation Journal – Day 18

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 18

am 2 mins

Driving all morning. Sat still a couple of minutes on getting up at 5-something.

pm 1hr

Rest in peace. This is what it feels like is happening. Not all the time, of course, but often and for sustained periods. Such joy, from nowhere, not related to a thought or an event, just bubbles up, bubbles down, from who knows where. My legs are pretty much happy to stay seated like that for an hour by now, Burma style. Generally the whole body is more comfortable. There are tensions, deep deep tensions, of muscle and of brain, yet it is more comfortable, and in this relative comfort the subtleties of what’s happening unfold, and are not dismissed or embraced. What’s happening. What’s happening? The Welsh, ‘What’s occurring?’ is such a good question!

Meditation Journal – Day 17

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 17

am 1hr

After the stillness of yesterday, a wild sitting this morning. First half, thinking of work issues and dreaming of this and that, sleep nearby. Second half the body took over. Right arm shaking like crazy. At one point it was up at shoulder level, my hand flapping up by my head. I couldn’t shake it like that if I tried. Then the back arched forward and the head too, and such deep aches in the neck and around the spine and back. The head moved slowly left and right, all the time bent forward. Nothing to be done, watching as best I could with a body seemingly having a life of its own.

pm 1hr

So meaningful what goes on while sitting, yet so hard to recall if I don’t write it down quite soon afterwards. I do remember that the head and back came forward in an arc, but without the pain and tensions of this morning. And moments of deep stillness of the mind. More than moments but it’s kind of timeless. If there’s such thing as kind of timeless.

Meditation Journal – Day 16

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 16

am 25 mins

Didn’t set my alarm and was blissfully unaware that it wasn’t 6am but 0745. So, 25 minutes anapana instead. Returning to the breath and – bang! – no thought. Some time later, some kind of daydream, then without it being a problem, back to the breath and – whoosh! – no thinking. In the no-thinking stages, it’s clearer what’s happening with watching the breath – how much ‘watching’ the breath really means ‘doing something to the breath’. So I suspect that watching thought really isn’t watching but subtle forms of management. How do daydreams begin? How do they slip past the watcher? The answer seems to be that they are of the watcher itself, myself and so no slipping past is needed.

pm 1hr

Feeling slightly ill all day, a survival day. And yet after a shower and some laundry chores I sat in an unprecedentedly still state for the hour. On sitting down it was incredibly apparent the effort going on in my head, like holding course or steering. It was so apparent that in the ceasing movement of the body, it could also cease as an unnecessary action. Then I was able to softly move without effort through the body, down then up. On resting back at the top of the head, the ill feeling was right there in the chest. I felt it for some time in it’s sweet nausea and a fluttering quality. There was nothing to think about and there was deep rest in the peaceful state. Sometimes some thinking of a practical nature came, found an answer, and left again. Some feeling that I’d like the hour to be over came. Yet it felt so right, so I focussed on why I’d like it to end and some aches spoke up – centre right of back, inner thighs, left side of neck. So those were the sensations, without scanning, of tightness, tension, contraction, pain. Somewhat sloppily I sensed these. And then it was into the lovingkindness stage, and the element of myself who has had to cope with the outside world, interactions, was very tired and as scared, no different as when an infant. Some sadness was expressed and I acknowledged great thanks. A meeting. And then it was over and I wrote this.

Meditation Journal – Day 15

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 15

am 1hr

This is some good shit, this vipassana meditation. You have to work, so much learning about the way one works is revealed. Because the moving from part to part continues, one cannot indulge in a particular favourite or least favourite spot. I was being too heavy-handed of late, trying to feel deep within, whereas the instructions are to sense sensations on the surface for now. Of course, attention naturally penetrates but the joy of it is that I don’t have to do that, as a struggle. This is not a struggle, or at least doesn’t need to be. Effortless effort. And so lightness returned and at the same time a more profound practice. The tenderness, the aches, the tingles, heat, coolness, it’s all there to feel. Around the subtle stiffness of the neck and shoulders, many small knots and tensions, my head moving this way and that, slowly moving, revealing tightnesses, and in the face. Right arm shaking. Nothing much doing in the legs anymore, the sciatic nervy pain more of a tingling light ache now. Very little thinking and the odd sudden snap of viciousness toward myself and body very apparent yet somehow hollow and powerless.

pm

Yoga class. My gauge how my body is changing. A lot.

Meditation Journal – Day 14

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 14

am 1hr

Finding that it’s important to be as total as possible in this practice, to include all of me in awareness and when being aware. Otherwise it seems to become yet another neurotic activity and instead of attention, it’s easy to suppress, warp, distort. And this meditation is all about things as they are. So it’s the attention itself that is as important as what is being attended to. And when it comes down to it, there isn’t much difference between the two. Yet the partial attention is actually ‘things as they are’, so you can’t fight for totality as that’s another game.

Such an ache within the face today. I say within because it’s underneath the features of the face; the deep muscles of the forehead, eye sockets, cheeks, and again into the lips, tight in strange expressions that feel like they’ll be stuck forever, and then the thousand needles come, or hot ashes or sparks within the lips, until at such intensity it begins to soften. The right arm continues to go crazy. All the computer work, I suppose, and years of holding and protecting and doing.

pm 1hr

Thought to meditate in the bath. Not the best idea. Especially with a damp face. How about that for a test of annicca as water dried in my nostrils, ears!? Supreme itches! No scratching! And then the warmth lulled me into a snoozy snooze. And later, having not moved for 45 mins, the back of my head hard on the ceramic. And then getting too cool. So no, don’t meditate in the bath. Although it was fun discovering that arms resting by my legs was actually an effort; they really wanted to float.

Meditation Journal – Day 13

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 13

am 1 hr

I had not enough energy to move through the body. Some awareness of breath. Some sense of including the whole organism. The old knot right of spine, centre of back appeared and disappeared within minutes, a much lighter prod than previously. A chopstick rather than a dagger. Instead of deep scanning, it was more about the mind and thoughts, and how a thought and the reaction to that thought are all in the same movement. I can’t profess to say they are the same, but they are of the same thing, the same movement. The thinking, ‘I hope this is over soon,’ contained within it the response of. ‘No, it is never really over, this is what life is like.’ Somehow within the end of the first thought, the seed of the response is embedded which geminates into the response. Where the two meet cannot be easily defined, nor is it clear that there are two. Or three or four or however many responses are in the chain. It is becoming clearer how reaction to sensation, to pain, to thought, to whatever, defines what that thing is, and either keeps it the same for next time, or, if there is a different reaction or no reaction, it has the freedom to change. This must be something like liberation. And it goes a long way to explaining the notion that the brain creates our world. It could well be built upon some very basic responses of towards/away, craving/aversion.

pm 1hr

Weekend compromise: lying down. I did this quite a few times on the retreat and sometimes dipped in and out of sleep, as I did this evening. Left arm shook. Back arched and neck propped forward. Movement very slow across body and where I’d gotten to was forgotten several times. Both feet: extreme scrunching, into the arches.

Meditation Journal – Day 12

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 12

am 1hr

Coming up on two weeks since the end of the course, the momentum created by the course and others has pretty much ceased. I’m on my own now, in terms of deciding to sit. And there’s a fuss about it, some protest, many excuses. Usually based around: ‘later’. And new rules: ‘let’s not do it on the weekends,’ ‘let’s cut the time of each session,’ ‘let’s do it after breakfast,’ ‘let’s not do it at all.’ So what gets me sat down? It’s the inherent value of being in touch. Not really any measurable value, either. It’s not as if I’m getting somewhere or gaining rewards. Perhaps I am but there’s nothing collectable. There’s loss and something else that comes when the unnecessary is lost or ceases. There’s a quieter mind and a way less tense body. I suppose these are measurable and I can grasp thoughts and therefore say: ‘let’s sit.’ But it’s not really for that reason. More like there is nothing else left to do. Every other trick on how to live has been tried and exhausted. This isn’t how to live in itself, but there’s a certain validity in what happens when the body is in stillness, a validity less tangible in the activity of daily life.

A still sitting. Each area tightening as attention moves to it, over it, through it. It’s much like a yawny stretch but without movement – there’s a moment of tension in the stretch and then a release. The sitting gives much opportunity for this kind of release, but without ‘doing’ it, just awareness without reacting. And if there’s reaction, it’s apparent. No real mystery.

pm 1 hr

Kind of high before I started. Or a sleepy drowsy kind of lack of thought, from an afternoon nap, after walking for a few hours. After some anapana, moving from part to part, and flowing within that part. More from the centre outward today, than just on the surface; a trend starting subtly a few days ago. Each section tightening up or straightening out. Belly goes in, like a yoga bandha, shoulders go back, legs tighten to perfectly strung, before softening as attention moves elsewhere. Right arm shaking at times. Thought clearing away. Somehow it feels it is safe to do so, the body in complete stability.

Meditation Journal – Day 11

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 11

am 1 hr

Some sort of daring is needed in order to get close up. Mr Duffy lived a short distance from his body. It’s easy to think that you are in touch but that daring is needed to actually touch. The daring drops away as soon as contact is made, its job over. Daring is not forceful or pushy in any way. Exploring some lesser sensations and more of the blind areas. A small twinge to the right of the sacrum, up a bit. The kidneys area, revealing a deep ache and the large tingly canvas of the lower back. Lots of subtle tightness in the shoulders and up into the neck. And of course the right arm with intense shaking down into the wrist. The left arm had a shaky go to for the first time. I felt safe in this quiet sitting. Well, safe and not safe at the same time, like anything could happen, and yet its okay. That I have never felt is okay to feel. With a daring touch.

pm 1hr

Stages of intense energy rushes through the brain, wiping and cleansing as it goes somehow. Stages of emptiness, stillness, resting in peace. Rest in peace, while alive. Clarity of thought. Clarity of the unecessaryness of thought. In the body, deep into the eyes, shoulders, outer right upper arm, feet, lower spine to the left a bit, right wirst. Tight tension, felt and changing in the feeling. Dead left leg, numb. Beforehand didn’t want to sit down. Went for a walk. Then didn’t want to sit down, but less. Ate a little. Browsed a little. Sat down. And after about five minutes there was absolutely no where else to be, nothing else to be doing. This.

Meditation Journal – Day 10

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 10

am 1 hr

It went smoothly this morning, relatively. The mind very still in the pre dawn, for periods, barely a thought wobbling by, and all sensation, feeling contained and included in the pervasive stillness. Moving through the body was easier too, with few areas of tightness or pain, the knots near the spine seemingly gone. At least for now. Shoulders tight, right hamstring tingling, right arm shaking and trembling at times when in the area. Then relaxing in some kind of totality of body-mind, and a sense of togetherness and inclusion.

pm 58 min

Just sat there. Felt nauseous, so I guess that was the main sensation. Lots of too-ing and fro-ing with thinking about this and that. Some cursory scans down and up but a long distance from the body, not really in touch. Some insights as to what equanimity is, and if the sense that any ‘I’ being anything is pretty much just a game of equanimity. And there I was. And there was this body, still for another hour, through it all. Every time different.

Meditation Journal – Day 9

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 9

am 1hr

Again the face, this time the lips, scrunching into expressions and positions I could not make if I tried. Similar to during the course. Likewise, at the extreme of the scrunch, one thousand needles piercing from every angle, the sharpest sensation. Moving on, through the body it felt unfinished in the face and sure enough during lovingkindness the lips began again, some kind of yogic pouting. Beforehand, the understanding that any movie watched will want to be undone again, the mind replaying scenes from what I watched last night. Also clear that there’ll be resistance and division unless something is done fully, totally perhaps. If it’s not being done fully, wait a while and regroup. This is  something of fulfilment.

pm

Yoga class instead; some breathing before bed.

Meditation Journal – Day 8

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 8

am 1 hr

Went through the wringer. As soon as attention came to the forehead I was sobbing. Then to the shoulders and my head fell forward, arching into the back of the neck into the shoulders. It wanted to stay like this some time and deep tension was touched within the back of the neck and upper back. Nothing to do but listen and be patient and listen some more and notice what’s occurring, including thoughts towards and away and seemingly at random. Little attempts to divert or to do something about the state of affairs. And there’s nothing to do. It seems the body knows what to do and is learning to use the opportunity of the one hour slots to work things out, in the arena of the mind’s awareness. The sobbing didn’t last long but the head was bowed forward most of the hour. And at this intensity the time goes by very quickly. My right arm had quite a few shakes, down into the wrist. The forehead also go wrung, and seep into the eye sockets and upper cheeks aound the bones.

pm 1hr

On the Waterloo-Petersfield train. The most relaxing train ride I’ve ever taken. A full carriage, chattering students, fading into a background ripple as awareness of breath deepened.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – Lovingkindness

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Extracts from Chapter Eight:

When you really get into it, you will eventually find yourself confronted with a shocking realization. One day you will look inside and realize the full enormity of what you are actually up against. What you are struggling to pierce looks like a solid wall so tightly knit that not a single ray of light shines through. You find yourself sitting there, staring at this edifice and you say to yourself, “That? I am supposed to get past that? But it’s impossible! That is all there is. That is the whole world. That is what everything means, and that is what I use to define myself and to understand everything around me, and if I take that away the whole world will fall apart and I will die. I cannot get through that. I just can’t.”

It is a very scary feeling, a very lonely feeling. You feel like, “Here I am, all alone, trying to punch away something so huge it is beyond conception.” To counteract this feeling, it is useful to know that you are not alone. Others have passed this way before. They have confronted that same barrier, and they have pushed their way through to the light. They have laid out the rules by which the job can be done, and they have banded together into a brotherhood for mutual encouragement and support.

…

Meditation takes energy. You need courage to confront some pretty difficult mental phenomena and the determination to sit through various unpleasant mental states. Laziness just will not serve.

…

Greed and hatred are the prime manifestations of the ego process. To the extent that grasping and rejecting are present in the mind, mindfulness will have a very rough time. The results of this are easy to see. If you sit down to meditate while you are in the grip of some strong obsessive attachment, you will find that you will get nowhere. If you are all hung up in your latest scheme to make more money, you probably will spend most of your meditation period doing nothing but thinking about it. If you are in a black fury over some recent insult, that will occupy your mind just as fully. There is only so much time in one day, and your meditation minutes are precious. It is best not to waste them.

…

As you practice loving-kindness within yourself, you can behave in a most friendly manner without biases, prejudices, discrimination or hate. Your noble behavior helps you to help others in a most practical manner to reduce their pain and suffering. It is compassionate people who can help others. Compassion is a manifestation of loving-kindness in action, for one who does not have loving-kindness cannot help others.

…

Your practical solution to your enemies is to help them to overcome their problems, so you can live in peace and happiness. In fact, if you can, you should fill the minds of all your enemies with loving-kindness and make all of them realize the true meaning of peace, so you can live in peace and happiness. The more they are in neurosis, psychosis, fear, tension, anxiety, etc., the more trouble, pain and suffering they can bring to the world.

…

When you hate somebody … your own body generates such harmful chemistry that you experience pain, increased heart beat, tension, change of facial expression, loss of appetite for food, deprivation of sleep and appear very unpleasant to others. You go through the same things you wish for your enemy.

Meditation Journal – Day 7

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 7

am 1hr

Proper. Crawling steadily, with sure awareness through every inch, feeling what’s there, the agonies and ecstasies right here in this organism. All of life is here, or all of my life, in each cell and part of the body. In the one hour, after the chants and some awareness of breath, some dreams. Only one trip from head to feet and one back to the head and the seeming release of it all at the crown, with its delicate energy. Along the way each part responding on its own to the attention, tightening up, trembling, loosening, tingling, getting hot, each different, each relishing the company or attention at last, probably after years and years of neglect. And this from a yoga-practitioner, so it’s not as if I’ve been ignoring my body. Yet in a way, I have. This is supreme listening. Yoga tends to be ‘now we are going to do this, like it or not,’ or an imposition. Perhaps healthy but an imposition. This meditation is too simple to be an imposition, more a subtle listening and steady moving, inching, noticing reactions while reacting, and allowing. With nothing else going on – thinking, opposing, objecting. No, this is not multi-tasking.

pm 1hr

After working out and a shower, perhaps a little too sleepy. Literally nodding off several times during the first half, coming back out as quickly as I went into micro dreams. Second half more energy but only a cursory scan up and down, the rest of the time rather causal awareness of breath, mind going over some of the days events. Which is probabably beneficial in itself.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – Structuring

Posted on by Duncan Toms

“It is all empty back there.”

Extracts from Chapter Eight:

This is not the easiest skill in the world to learn. We have spent our entire life developing mental habits that are really quite contrary to the ideal of uninterrupted mindfulness. Extricating ourselves from those habits requires a bit of strategy. As we said earlier, our minds are like cups of muddy water. The object of meditation is to clarify this sludge so that we can see what is going on in there. The best way to do that is just let it sit. Give it enough time and it will settle down. You wind up with clear water. In meditation, we set aside a specific time for this clarifying process.

…

The best way to clarify the mental fluid is to just let it settle all by itself. Don’t add any energy to the situation. Just mindfully watch the mud swirl, without any involvement in the process. Then, when it settles at last, it will stay settled. We exert energy in meditation, but not force. Our only effort is gently, patient mindfulness.

…

When it comes to sitting, the description of Buddhism as the Middle Way applies. Don’t overdo it. Don’t underdo it. This doesn’t mean you just sit whenever the whim strikes you. It means you set up a practice schedule and keep to it with a gently, patient tenacity. Setting up a schedule acts as an encouragement. If, however, you find that your schedule has ceased to be an encouragement and become a burden, then something is wrong. Meditation is not a duty, nor an obligation.

…

First thing in the morning is a great time to meditate. Your mind is fresh then, before you’ve gotten yourself buried in responsibilities. Morning meditation is a fine way to start the day. It tunes you up and gets you ready to deal with things efficiently.

…

Vipassana meditation is not a form of asceticism. Self-mortification is not the goal. We are trying to cultivate mindfulness, not pain.

…

Don’t look at the clock until you think the whole meditation period has passed. Actually, you don’t need to consult the clock at all, at least not every time you meditate. In general, you should be sitting for as long as you want to sit. There is no magic length of time. It is best, though, to set yourself a minimum length of time. If you haven’t predetermined a minimum, you’ll find yourself prone to short sessions.

…

‘Discipline’ is a difficult word for most of us. It conjures up images of somebody standing over you with a stick, telling you that you’re wrong. But self-discipline is different. It’s the skill of seeing through the hollow shouting of your own impulses and piercing their secret. They have no power over you. It’s all a show, a deception. Your urges scream and bluster at you; they cajole; they coax; they threaten; but they really carry no stick at all. You give in out of habit. You give in because you never really bother to look beyond the threat. It is all empty back there.

…

There is another word for ‘self-discipline’. It is ‘Patience’.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – What to do with your mind

Posted on by Duncan Toms

“You will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy.”

Extracts from Chapter Seven:

Why not just sit down and be aware of whatever happens to be present in the mind? In fact there are meditations of that nature. They are sometimes referred to as unstructured meditation and they are quite difficult. The mind is tricky. Thought is an inherently complicated procedure. By that we mean we become trapped, wrapped up, and stuck in the thought chain. One thought leads to another which leads to another, and another, and another, and so on. Fifteen minutes later we suddenly wake up and realize we spent that whole time stuck in a daydream or sexual fantasy or a set of worries about our bills or whatever.

There is a difference between being aware of a thought and thinking a thought. That difference is very subtle. It is primarily a matter of feeling or texture. A thought you are simply aware of with bare attention feels light in texture; there is a sense of distance between that thought and the awareness viewing it. It arises lightly like a bubble, and it passes away without necessarily giving rise to the next thought in that chain. Normal conscious thought is much heavier in texture. It is ponderous, commanding, and compulsive. It sucks you in and grabs control of consciousness. By its very nature it is obsessional, and it leads straight to the next thought in the chain, apparently with no gap between them.

…

Concentration is our microscope for viewing subtle internal states. We use the focus of attention to achieve one-pointedness of mind with calm and constantly applied attention. Without a fixed reference point you get lost, overcome by the ceaseless waves of change flowing round and round within the mind.

…

Breathing is a present-time process. By that we mean it is always occurring in the here-and-now. We don’t normally live in the present, of course. We spend most of our time caught up in memories of the past or leaping ahead to the future, full of worries and plans. The breath has none of that ‘other-timeness’. When we truly observe the breath, we are automatically placed in the present.

…

Make no attempt to control the breath. This is not a breathing exercise of the sort done in Yoga. Focus on the natural and spontaneous movement of the breath. Don’t try to regulate it or emphasize it in any way. Most beginners have some trouble in this area.

…

Just let the breath move naturally, as if you were asleep. Let go and allow the process to go along at its own rhythm.

…

Observe the breath closely. Really study it. You find enormous variations and constant cycle of repeated patterns. It is like a symphony. Don’t observe just the bare outline of the breath. There is more to see here than just an in-breath and an out-breath.

…

Your mind will wander off constantly, darting around like a drunken bumblebee and zooming off on wild tangents. Try not to worry. The monkey-minded phenomenon is well known. It is something that every advanced meditator has had to deal with.

…

Somewhere in this process, you will come face-to-face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday.

…

You begin to experience a state of great calm in which you enjoy complete freedom from those things we call psychic irritants. No greed, lust, envy, jealousy or hatred. Agitation goes away. Fear flees. These are beautiful, clear, blissful states of mind. They are temporary, and they will end when meditation ends. Yet even these brief experiences will change your life.

…

There is a definite goal. But there is no timetable. What you are doing is digging your way deeper and deeper through the layers of illusion toward realization of the supreme truth of existence. The process itself is fascinating and fulfilling. It can be enjoyed for its own sake. There is no need to rush.

…

Don’t set goals for yourself that are too high to reach. Be gentle with yourself.

 

 

Meditation Journal – Day 6

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Day 6

am

It’s about being in touch. When I’m not in touch, within myself, my body, and with people, there’s tension, restlessness, boredom, and the mundane sets in. What is being in touch? Direct perception of things as they are. Out of touch is things as you’d like them to be, or simply as they are not. As far as I can tell, this ‘as they are’ is forever shifting and flowing, and so that sensation I thought I knew, I no longer know. This is true for yesterday into today, and for this morning into this evening, from hour to hour, from body scan to body scan, and even within the lingering on an area for the requisite minute or two. The lingering is changing as is the sensation. Right action is ‘more in touch’ – for now

pm

After a day of pure escapism, was still able to sit down despite some grumbling about it and trying to find an excuse. There is no valid excuse, but I listen. Considering the day of avoidance, with a feeling of shame nearby, was surprisingly still, quickly settling with the breath and then a part-by-part tour of the head, body and back up. Then another down and up. Sensation: sciatic in right buttock; right ankle; deep around the eyes and upper cheeks; across the centre of the back during the later scans of a hoop around the torso; subtle tingles over the head and in other areas where gross sensation absent. Some nausea. A release of obsessional fear centred around a weeks-away event.

Meditation Journal – Day 5

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Day 5

am

Feels like I am back to how I was towards the end of the course, in terms of steadyness and togetherness. The feeling of completeness and a job done well, instead of some of the bodge jobs during the week. After a good night’s sleep till nearly 8, several minutes of anapana then moving through the body. This is a lot smoother too – right buttock, right upper arm, right foot arch, right side of face. No big shakes or ultra tightness although the arm movement was more rapid than ever in the space given by smoothness. My muscles are softer to the touch, my shoulders are lower, my belly is softening, as is my face.

pm

In the city, the sound of traffic strong at first and fading to mere vibrations. Car park anapana.

Meditation Journal – Day 4

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Day 4 of practice since the 10-day vipassana course.

am

Tensions not centred on particular knots but broadly across the shoulders and into the neck. Awareness of these areas led to trembling and some arching forward, not so intensely as before. Sensation increasing in lower abdomen and lower back into the pelvis. Blissful energy rising from lower spine, meeting the tightness in upper body and the mind, rippling through, undoing resistance. Some flexing of feet, but not strong. Generally milder and scanning smoother.

pm

Felt very good most of the day. Like a long term tiredness is lifting, a tiredness not fixed by sleep. Giving some time after work is better. Work out. Take a shower. Next week work out; today some domestic chores. Not entirely sure if I should stick with anapana for longer as when I begin to scan I am still scattered and without much attention for each part I come across. It’s easy to get a bit restless with awareness of only breath especially when parts of the body start calling, so I then begin the journey south bumping along, but the restlessness can go if staying longer with breathing. Middle of the back again, small spot, tender and sweet. Left hamstring white and taught. Right foot. Forehead. Staying with each, exploring how much I am pushing for change, how neutral I can be. Not easy when the forehead is scrunched up and the eyes are closed tight like in a cartoon.