Meditation Journal – Day 19

Vipassana Meditation Day 19

One month ago I was beginning the 10-day vipassana course / retreat. The practice fitted perfectly, right in there between yoga practice and the understanding taking place via awareness and Krishnamurti’s work, between the physical and the mental, emotional and energetic, awareness and sensation, and where the two meet is where things happen.

am 1hr

Went into sitting down with a problem or issue and for the first minutes the feeling: I really must resolve this, let’s work it out, go into it, dig about the subject. This continued for a while back and forth trying to make a decision, sort it out, the different elements wanting different things, fighting each other, or certainly clashing, once side against another. Or many sides. After a while the game became clear; that there is no solution this way, only conflict. And then I was wading through an old battlefield, the battle over, bodies lying where slain, the site of much trouble. There’s no action here, only residue of an old violent war. And soon that dissolved and the understanding that decision making is inherently flawed, that a side will always loose, and will not loose gracefully and so will resurrect. And the winner will be partial and crippled in its victory. So much time spent trying to decide things in life! I suppose I thought that if I wasn’t busy making decisions nothing would happen. And that’s kind of true but the things that happen after a decision are often really bullyish and dogmatic. ‘I’ve made up my mind.’ No, there is another way. It’s not clear how that other way works or where it leads but it is a thoroughly different approach.

pm 1hr

As I’d been reading and resting for some time before sitting I was able to work with vipassana from the beginning, moving gradually from prat to part, not too fast, not too slow, just as I was able. It’s clear when it’s rushed, fleeting – that’s the state of the mind. And too slow has no flow. Each area tightened as awareness passed through, and then relaxed to softer than before awareness came by. The grossest sensations were in the feet – which now crush up to the extreme unlike before when the arches prevented that from being possible due to the level of pain in the cramps – and the inner eyes, in behind the very top of the nose into the low forehead. I don’t exactly know where this is but it is very intense, a holding deep within the muscles of the face. Or is it energetic? Although it is painful I am not reacting with avoidance, more a curiosity and willingness to experience what’s there. Although it is tight and not pleasant, it feels good to touch upon these long-forgotten places. The sensations are their voice.

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