170523 Sugar spiked

Am 1 hour

Sitting with uncertainty, the feeling of a situation being out of my hands now, dependent first on the action and word of another, then dependent on the decision of a university. The next years of my life out of my control. 

Sitting with annoyance, frustration in another’s actions tinged with arrogance.

Both sensations fading within minutes, slight returns as the hour unfolded, an underlying shiftiness.

Sitting with nerves in chest and belly, the familiar yet new sensation of tingles, awkward sweetness, powering reaction and thought. Unaddressed this would run all day and night would come and next morning will be the same. Sitting and not responding, breaking this cycle in stillness, sensation seen anew.

Deep aches in the eyes and a fatigue that is not relieved in sleep, only touched in the undoing of aware non-doing.
Pm 5 mins

Felt off today, probably sugar in yesterday’s lunch. Headaches, tired, didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. Did have a good conversation with Ashleigh at lunch about her art classes and then we went to see the old geodesic structure hidden in the big hedge.

Otherwise hiding away. Watched the first of the new Twin Peaks which was equally violent, scary and somehow funny. I hope Cooper gets to stay out of the Black Lodge. We need him.

“May there be peace among the gods, 

in heaven and among the stars; 

may there be peace on earth, among men and animals; 

may we not hurt each other; 

may we be generous to each other; 

may we have that intelligence which will guide our life and action; 

may there be peace in our prayer, on our lips and in our hearts.” 

– Sanskrit Prayer.

170522 Return to two hours

Am 1 hour

Half an hour or twenty minutes is more appealing but it’s easy to rush fizzily through those shorter sessions, underlying states remaining unaddressed.

Scattered on starting, recent elements and images and incidents bumping off each other, a sense of flying and bouncing around, or rather each element bouncing off the last in a series of reactions. The force behind this quickly traced, revealed as an unsettled sensation in the brain itself. In awareness this unsettledness rapidly eased and there was a tangible feeling of a grounded steadiness, a return to myself, a centredness.

Physically an old pain to the right of the spine, stiffness of the neck and then tight hands stretching out, of their own accord. Each undoing.

By the end a sense of resetting and new beginnings, independent yet connected. 

Pm 1 hour

Actually looked forward to it when I thought ahead during the day, to the peace and space.

Of course when it comes down to it there’s not a whole lot of peace. But there is a touching on the real, a shift from head to body, and a definite undoing of the day, incidents, episodes and speech replaying itself, once only, then falling away as awareness moved through the body.

Extremely tired when it came to the pelvis and hip area, suddenly lapsing into dreams, from being quite awake seconds before.

Tension freeing from the deep muscles of the face, feeling intense around the eyes, then mouth, then neck and shoulders.

I give five minutes at the end now for loving kindness meditation, though this evening I was drifting off by then.

Warm, sunny day. Good progress at work, mind relatively settled.

Lunch in the sun with one of the principals of the school, who I haven’t really talked to since the January staff week.

A wander in the grove and after work another walk, down part the peacock house, views to Sold Winchester Hill awhile.

An hour on the ethics assignment for college.

For a while

Stop for a while
Don’t do anything
Conversation
Browsing
Listening
Reading
Watching
Stuff
Stop stuffing yourself
Media
Food
Stop for a while
Sit down
Lie down
Stand down
Nothing special
In breath or in posture
Don’t do anything
It’s okay
Your back is got
Don’t wonder by whom
Or argue if it’s true
Or believe it so
Your back is got
How long is a while?
Awhile
Don’t put on the brakes
Trying to stop thinking
Think
Don’t think
Breathe
Don’t breathe
Relax
Don’t relax
Squirm
Resist
No control
For a while

Daily Photos 2016-17: 341-365

Here is the final batch of photos taken each day. Spring abounds, with fresh greens, blossoms, the fading of the daffodils and the arrival of bluebells, taking the project full circle. These are mainly taken in Hampshire, with a couple in the Cotswold village of Burford.

 

Brockwood Conservatory
Battered daffodils
Medstead church
Bank of primrose
Bird Zero TR Mountain Bike
Sheep at Krishnamurti Centre
Magnolia in full bloom
Brockwood Assembly Hall
Clarky Campbells
Cherry blossom
New 2016 pound coin
Grandparents, aged 95
Burford church at dusk
The Hill, Burford
Stitchwort
Straight trees
Young bluebells
Sheep Dip Farmhouse
Blue tit
Spring weeping willow
Magnolia and Brockwood Tower
Brockwood Park School West Wing
Apple tree, brick wall
Brockwood Cloisters
Cherry tree in blossom

Daily Photos 2016-17: 301-340

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day. Winter transforms to spring and nature brightens. No trips during this period, so all the photos are in Hampshire.

Log fire
Tree circle
Winter sunset
February sky
The squirrel is dead

Spring clouds
Magnolia flowers
Yoga space, living room
Tropical fish
Sunlight through bark
White butterfly
Crocus
Snowdrops
Brockwood Burial Mounds
Living room
Gulls
Cheriton Mill
White primroses
Leaf seat
Brockwood South Lawn
Kingsgate Winchester
Alresford Steam Train
Lebanese Cedar
Daffodils
Buttercross Winchester
Blackbird
Apricot blossom
Walled garden
Yellow flower
Brockwood Rose Garden
Winchester skyline
Cherry blossom
Krishnamurti Centre Brockwood Park
Tame pheasant
Brockwood Water Tower
Dangling blossom
Leaves in the wind

 

 

Daily Photos 2016-17: 251 to 300

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day, taking us from Christmas to the first spring flowers in February. This period included a trip to the Lake District but mainly contains pictures from Hampshire, through this cold, bright, mostly dry winter.

 

Krishnamurti Centre Dining Room
Krishnamurti Centre Dining Room
Brockwood South Lawn cedar
Brockwood South Lawn cedar
Thaw and frost divide
Thaw and frost divide
Celandine and snowdrops
Celandine and snowdrops
Fire extinguisher practice
Fire extinguisher practice
Light, frost, shadows
Light, frost, shadows
Krishnamurti Centre Courtyard
Krishnamurti Centre Courtyard
Winter sunset
Winter sunset
Snowdrops
Snowdrops
Jaques Croquet
Jaques Croquet
Witch hazel
Witch hazel
Winter sky
Winter sky
Snowdrops in rain
Snowdrops in rain
Watercress beds, Old Alresford
Watercress beds, Old Alresford
Portsmouth Harbour from the Hard
Portsmouth Harbour from the Hard
New pergola beams
New pergola beams
Weeping Beech
Weeping Beech
Secret Garden
Secret Garden
Abbotstone
Abbotstone
Itchen at Winchester
Itchen at Winchester
Brockwood Henge
Brockwood Henge
Brockwood Staff
Brockwood Staff
Yewfield Guesthouse
Yewfield Guesthouse
Helvellyn Plateau
Helvellyn Plateau
View to Ambleside
View to Ambleside
Tarn Hows
Tarn Hows
Yewfield Sitting Room
Yewfield Sitting Room
Dusk sky
Dusk sky
Krishnamurti Centre maintenance
Krishnamurti Centre maintenance
River Itchen
River Itchen
Winter blossom
Winter blossom
Deer
Deer
New kitchen doorway
New kitchen doorway
Brockwood Park School
Brockwood Park School
Patterns in frost on windscreen
Patterns in frost on windscreen
Bathtime candle
Bathtime candle
Trees horizontal
Trees horizontal
Old Alresford Church, mist
Old Alresford Church, mist

Frost and lichen

Brockwood Park School Assembly Hall
Brockwood Park School Assembly Hall
Windsor Castle
Windsor Castle
Swedish Christmas Lampshade
Swedish Christmas Lampshade
Pressies
Pressies
Christmas lights in garden tree
Christmas lights in garden tree
Light snow, Brockwood
Light snow, Brockwood
Ovington Church and Church Cottage
Ovington Church and Church Cottage
Houseplant flower
Houseplant flower
Breeding rams
Breeding rams

Winter flowers

Plate fungus; tree eating post
Plate fungus; tree eating post

Daily Photos 2016-17: 221 to 250

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day, taking us from late autumn into winter. The autumnal colours fade out and mornings get crisper, with some lovely morning sun. These pictures were taken mainly around Alresford and Brockwood Park in Hampshire.

Autumn meets winter
Autumn meets winter
Ponies in frost
Ponies in frost
Old Alresford Church, night
Old Alresford Church, night
Quebec House, Portsmouth Harbour
Quebec House, Portsmouth Harbour
Winter berries
Winter berries
Old Alresford Mausoleum
Old Alresford Mausoleum
Morning light through trees
Morning light through trees
Queen Elizabeth Country Park Blue Trail
Queen Elizabeth Country Park Blue Trail
Bungee flying
Bungee flying
Sunset tree, Brockwood
Sunset tree, Brockwood
Red sky in the morning
Red sky in the morning
Brockwood Dean
Brockwood Dean
Old Alresford Church, frost
Old Alresford Church, frost
Mossy World
Mossy World
Trees in mist
Trees in mist
Choosing a Christmas Tree
Choosing a Christmas Tree
Lapwings flying
Lapwings flying
Advent houses
Advent houses
Autumnal beech hedge
Autumnal beech hedge
Architects' gingerbread houses
Architects’ gingerbread houses
Old Man's Beard
Old Man’s Beard
Robin
Robin
Autumn leaves under trees
Autumn leaves under trees

 

Daily Photos 2016-17: 171 to 220

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day, taking us through the autumn: low light evening and morning, first frosts, trees transforming, a trip to Bath, another new mountain bike.

Brockwood Park School Autumn Workshop Week
Brockwood Park School Autumn Workshop Week
Red autumn maple leaves
Red autumn maple leaves
Beech in autumn
Beech in autumn
Little Switzerland, Hampshire
Little Switzerland, Hampshire

Yellowing beech leaves Fishing boat at The Camber, Portsmouth

Frosty Morning
Frosty Morning
Autumn flowers
Autumn flowers

Sunset

Steenbeck film editing machine, BFI
Steenbeck film editing machine, BFI
Brockwood Park Lodge
Brockwood Park Lodge
Under beech trees, Brockwood Park
Under beech trees, Brockwood Park
Misty morning
Misty morning
Rays of light
Rays of light
Weeke, Winchester
Weeke, Winchester
Golden autumn leaves
Golden autumn leaves
Tree arch
Tree arch
Broad Street, Alresford
Broad Street, Alresford
Clouds and water tower
Clouds and water tower
Joan's Acre, Hampshire
Joan’s Acre, Hampshire
Autumn trees
Autumn trees
Brock'wood' in leaves
Brock’wood’ in leaves
Brockwood Park School
Brockwood Park School
Krishnamurti Centre, Keith Critchlow Talk
Krishnamurti Centre, Keith Critchlow Talk
Droxford Church Tower
Droxford Church Tower
Bird Zero TR Mountain Bike 2016
Bird Zero TR Mountain Bike 2016
Autumn colours
Autumn colours

Sunset through windows

Mist and light through trees
Mist and light through trees
Bird Zero TR Mountain Bike Demo, Swinley
Bird Zero TR Mountain Bike Demo, Swinley
Autumn sunset
Autumn sunset
Leaves under trees
Leaves under trees
Red autumn leaves on house
Red autumn leaves on house
October Sunset
October Sunset
Itchen Stoke Church
Itchen Stoke Church
Flowers on bank
Flowers on bank
Alresford Linen Company Shop
Alresford Linen Company Shop
Armsworth Park, Hampshire
Armsworth Park, Hampshire
Grey Herron, Wisley Gardens
Grey Herron, Wisley Gardens
Red Autumn Leaves
Red Autumn Leaves
Morning light
Morning light
The Paragon, Bath
The Paragon, Bath
Bath Abbey
Bath Abbey
Sunset clouds
Sunset clouds
Autumn, Brockwood Park
Autumn, Brockwood Park
Conker tower
Conker tower
Pink Daisies
Pink Daisies
Brockwood Park Pavilions
Brockwood Park Pavilions

161005

Evening ride along the bridleways nearly to Upper Weild as the sun set. Puncture! Tire had gone down a bit overnight, but not a lot so I pumped it up and set off, checking it regularly. It was only when I went fast downhill on the way back that it very quickly it deflated. Rather than push it all the way back, I asked a lady if I could leave it in her garden while I walked home for the car. The sun set as I neared.

Otherwise a quiet day, alone in the office. Lunches at the school are getting quite posh, today with a quiche and veggies in white sauce. Sat in the sun out of the wind with friends.

Did a seven minute workout last night from the wahoo app, thirty second each activity then ten seconds rest. Slept well on it and will do another tonight. Getting to sleep pretty early and my sleep quality average is back in the upper seventies after dropping in the late summer.

161004

Attempting to write every day, starting from now, inspired by a Zen Habits post. I don’t tend to sit in the evenings these days so writing can be sort of instead of that. 

Half day at work then home for a rest before counselling session: abandonment, controlling my environment, shyness, being part of a group, the new course and the new group. Good to have that ear available and that support and encouragement to go into things. As Derren Brown said last week, we are fine paying for gyms and things to aid our body but we shy away from spending money on our mind and emotions, as if it’s something to snigger at. I see acceptance of counselling growing. 

MTB ride afterwards, along the usual track, part of the Ox Drove way. So much fun. Already wanting to upgrade my bike, which I will for a Bird once I sell my ebike. Now or in the spring. Now I reckon. Will soon run out of light for evening rides though. Mornings?

Feeling good these days and glad to be more engaged with activity than in the gap between level two and three. Looking forward to the class Thursday.

Daily Photos 2016-17: 151 to 170

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day, taking us from Late Summer into Autumn proper. A mixed bag, including a day’s canoeing in Dorset, a new mountain bike, the Alresford Scarecrow Festival and some of the last flowers of the season.

Honeycomb
Honeycomb
Avington
Avington
Chimney sweeping, Villager stove
Chimney sweeping, Villager stove
Poisonous mushroom
Poisonous mushroom
Boardman Comp 2016 MTB
Boardman Comp 2016 MTB
Dragon plant
Dragon plant
Dawn light
Dawn light
Odd ones out.
Odd ones out.
Lady scarecrow with flowers, at the Alresford Scarecrow festival
Lady scarecrow with flowers, at the Alresford Scarecrow festival
Horse chestnut leaves in autumn
Horse chestnut leaves in autumn
Cedar cones
Cedar cones
Parson's Chamber and Old Harry Rocks
Parson’s Chamber and Old Harry Rocks
Winchester High Street
Winchester High Street
The Soke, Alresford
The Soke, Alresford
Yellow fungus
Yellow fungus
Bee on daisy
Bee on daisy
Sunset, Upper Wield
Sunset, Upper Wield
Calves on straw
Calves on straw
Wood Chipping Lorry
Wood Chipping Lorry
Old Alresford Cricket Pitch
Old Alresford Cricket Pitch

 

 

160927

First run on my Boardman Comp mtb this evening. So much fun. Makes me not want to commute by bike anymore along the roads, just so I can get back and go for a track ride. Tyres were too pumped at first and so I was bumping along and it was hard on the hands. Let some air out later and all good. Then discovered the adjustment to the air forks, so I can play with that next time. The uphills provided the workout I need and the downhills were just a blast. Nothing steep, just a run to Wield to the north east.


The Boardman 2016 Comp mountain bike.

Enjoying the qigong too. A good way to start the day after my 6am sit. Then luxuriously back to bed to a snooze along with some gentle music. Yesterday was Maclemore’s first, a good listen but not snoozeable to.

Lunch at the Krishnamurti Centre, my day to eat there rather than the school. Spiked chilli beans. Chef had put chocolate in and I didn’t find out until afterwards. I now feel a bit unbalanced and buzzy. Hopefully not too strong a hangover feeling tomorrow, which the sugar can bring. Not sure about cocoa on its own as I haven’t had it for years.

160925

Went to see Derren Brown, who talked on the subject of his new book, Happiness. Basically it’s based on stoicism and most of what he said makes a lot of sense, especially the not getting involved in things you have no power over and daring to let them be fine. He was good at dismantling the myth of positive thinking and of trying to get somewhere. Once the basics are taken care of there is nowhere to get to.

Before that, taught yoga. Had to make the class a little shorter to get away on time. Went well and was enjoyable, words coming easier than they once did. It’s like they are immediately available to the tongue, whereas once, not so long ago, I had to work to seek them out and fit them to the action.

New mountain bike tomorrow, my first for 25 years when my Kona was nicked pretty much on arrival in Portsmouth. Since 2000 I’ve had hybrids. Keeping my Cannondale CX3 Cytronex ebike for commuting, this is for off road fun. Printed some routes at work; may take an afternoon off this week for it.

160924

Woke feeling grumpy. Daily photo of pink morning light. Did ten minutes of qigong from video, first  since reading barefoot doctor years ago. Listening to various music and none of it quite right. Realised it wasn’t the music’s doing but mine. So I honed right in on the Japanese flute playing, and in following it closely for some moments, suddenly the grump was gone and I felt refreshed and ready for the day. 

Breakfast of riveta with almond butter and St Dalfour orange marmalade, my usual first breakfast. To Halfords to check out size of the boardman mtb I’ve ordered. Definitely need medium for ball saving and it needs to be more manouverable than my large hybrid. Collecting it in a couple of days. Can’t wait to bomb along the local bridleways and try the singletrack at QE Country Park and beyond. Need to move move, on top of the exercise from the ebike commute, work the lungs and heart a little more. Bike looks great. Good time to buy, the 2016 models all being deeply discounted, with the 2017s just out.

Then into the IKEA purchases from yesterday. New kitchen lights to replace singed old ones someone else caused. Billy bookcase for lounge cupboard. Then, much longer, Hemnes cabinet for shoes, so no more shoes around the hall floor. Making that took much of the afternoon.

Jools Holland with Madness with supper. Remembering dancing to One Step Beyond at youth club in 1979. Liked The Divine Comedy’s new stuff. However, favourite song currently:

Daily Photos 2016-17: 121 to 150

Here is the next batch of photos taken each day, taking us deep into the serotinal Late Summer season. It includes a visit to London for the Krishnamurti Concert at Cadogan Hall, the coast at Meon Shore and West Wittering. Otherwise most photos are at Brockwood Park and mid Hampshire.

Sun in blue sky
Sun in blue sky
Yellow moth
Yellow moth
Brockwood Park School and Krishnamurti Centre
Brockwood Park School and Krishnamurti Centre
Festival clear-up, Boomtown
Festival clear-up, Boomtown
The Bell Alresford
The Bell Alresford
Brockwood Park School organic vegetable garden
Brockwood Park School organic vegetable garden
Parklife
Parklife
The pigeon is dead
The pigeon is dead
Pond in Queen Mary's Gardens, The Regent's Park
Pond in Queen Mary’s Gardens, The Regent’s Park
West Wittering and cargo ship
West Wittering and cargo ship
Swan turning white
Swan turning white
Yellow rose
Yellow rose
Fuchsia
Fuchsia
Alton High Street
Alton High Street
Misty morning early September
Misty morning early September
Maria Pires, Krishnamurti Concert warmup, Cadogan Hall
Maria Pires, Krishnamurti Concert warmup, Cadogan Hall
Hops in vase
Hops in vase
MacBook Pro, Yamaha headphones, in bed
MacBook Pro, Yamaha headphones, in bed
Light on ceiling
Light on ceiling
Under the beech tree
Under the beech tree
Old Alresford
Old Alresford
Gosh! mushroom burger
Gosh! mushroom burger
Sheep and cedar
Sheep and cedar
White roses
White roses
Crocus
Crocus

 

Daily Photos 2016-17: 91 to 120

The height of summer. Two trips to Devon – Paignton and then South Hams. Also visits to Buckingham and London. Otherwise, mainly photographs around Brockwood Park, including the installation of a new fountain at the Krishnamurti Centre, the old one having cracked in the cold during the 90s.

Paignton Beach, Devon
Paignton Beach, Devon
Jacob's Ladder, Sidmouth
Jacob’s Ladder, Sidmouth
River Itchen at Chilland
River Itchen at Chilland
Duncan Toms Selfie with Lumix TZ70
Duncan Toms Selfie with Lumix TZ70
Black sails on Solent
Black sails on Solent
Butterfly on flower
Butterfly on flower
Wheat ready to harvest
Wheat ready to harvest
Hydrangea with two flower types
Hydrangea with two flower types
Brockwood Rose Garden
Brockwood Rose Garden
Brockwood Park School with scaffold
Brockwood Park School with scaffold
Krishnamurti Centre pond renewal
Krishnamurti Centre pond renewal
Abbey Road Zebra Crossing London
Abbey Road Zebra Crossing London

Grandparents enjoying the garden

Krishnamurti Centre new fountain
Krishnamurti Centre new fountain

Brown and white cows with horns, and bull

Shady sheep siesta
Shady sheep siesta
Mouthwell, Hope, Devon
Mouthwell, Hope, Devon
Kingsbridge Estuary from Salcombe
Kingsbridge Estuary from Salcombe
Woodleigh railway bridge, Devon
Woodleigh railway bridge, Devon
Three friendly cows
Three friendly cows
Lavender flower
Lavender flower
Summer blues and greens
Summer blues and greens
Horse & Groom Alresford
Horse & Groom Alresford
Pink flowers
Pink flowers
Chichester Cathedral
Chichester Cathedral
The Swan Hotel Alresford
The Swan Hotel Alresford
Purple flowers
Purple flowers
Red flowers
Red flowers
Raspberries on fingers
Raspberries on fingers
The Hinton Arms
The Hinton Arms

Daily Photos 2016-17: 71 to 90

This batch is mainly focussed on our summer holidays in the Swedish archipelago south of Stockholm

 

Fern
Fern

 

Dive mid air
Dive mid air

 

Leaving Trosa
Leaving Trosa

 

Stripy cloud
Stripy cloud

 

Light behind clouds
Light behind clouds

 

Wakeboarding at sunset
Wakeboarding at sunset

 

Harp playing at Brockwood
Harp playing at Brockwood

 

 

 

Lilyflowers
Lilyflowers
Purple flowers, brick wall
Purple flowers, brick wall

 

Gunwharf lines
Gunwharf lines

 

Sweden Sauna on Island
Sweden Sauna on Island

 

Kids and dingy
Kids and dingy

 

Watsky tube riding
Watsky tube riding

 

Swedish Isle
Swedish Isle

 

Nowegian flight leaving Stockholm
Norwegian flight leaving Stockholm

 

Bumblebee on clover
Bumblebee on clover

 

Wispy cloud
Wispy cloud

 

Glass and stainless steel balcony rail
Glass and stainless steel balcony rail

 

Early morning light through window
Early morning light through window

 

Rare orchid
Rare orchid

Blighted?

He leant back against the hives, and with upturned face made observations on the stars, whose cold pulses were beating amid the black hollows above, in serene dissociation from these two wisps of human life. He asked how far away those twinklers were, and whether God was on the other side of them.

“Did you say the stars were worlds, Tess?”

“Yes.”

“All like ours?”

“I don’t know; but I think so. They sometimes seem to be like the apples on our stubbard-tree. Most of them splendid and sound — a few blighted.”

“Which do we live on — a splendid one or a blighted one?”

“A blighted one.”

 

~ Thomas Hardy