In the shaking of the head there’s also a tightness within the brain itself that gets touched by the shaking, like an inner headache relieved by the rapid movement. It gets stronger, is touched, and then it’s not felt anymore. Today awareness more freely throughout the body, down and up many times. Perhaps a lot more superficially. It seems to create something like a forcefield, or a surrounding of energy within which the body sits. Maybe it’s always there but the circle of attention down and up, down and up, makes one aware of it. Within it, healing seems to be possible. The body is free to shake, tighten, relax, vibrate, flex, flop, without movement being controlled. Meanwhile thoughts are going back over things, thinking unthought chains, dreaming, devising, remembering, but loosely, easily picking up and easily ending. Choosing has all but ceased. One hour passed in this very different time zone.
Rushes of energy into the head. Or else just rushes, of what I don’t know. Making me moan or cry out softly. The the head started to shake for a minute or two, sides of the neck tight but unwinding. Crunches in the spine also seeming to alleviate with the rapid movement. Again not voluntary movement, and it would take a huge act of will to stop it. Yet I know in an emergency or something being needed, it would stop immediately. It’s happening because it can and is safe to do so. At certain times that was all there was, the shaking, and an intensity overtaking the whole head and mind, even the internal vision, until there was nothing but cleansing intensity, seemingly burning away that which is false, directive or effortful. Again the strong feeling that there is nothing else to be doing, at least at this very moment, that this is it, that life is right here, and there’s no where else and nothing else to do. A totality which is blessed relief from struggle and want.
Tense through the shoulders and neck, and in a band around the back, through the shoulder blades or just below. First time sitting in a while. Not able to move very far down the body: in 50 minutes, got as far as the lower back. Stuck. Tight. Fighting a bit. Some despair and tears close by. Resisting, but able to stay in the area of strongest sensation, and this led to the good old shaking head, then flopping forward, then over to one side. Also right hand into a tight fist. I think this shows that it’s best to keep on top of this, to continue to sit, rather than these spells of lying down to meditate instead, which is rather too comfortable and sleepy. Coming back to sitting shows what can be missed by lying down and following the breath. Which is fine in its own way but doesn’t connect and go so deep physically. Been waking up naturally at 5-something, with the light and the birds. After meditation, writing this, and then some yoga, it’s nice to do some long relaxation. ‘I relax the feet, I relax the feet, the feet are relaxed.’ Actually, this is how I began today’s sitting but realised it wasn’t the thing to be doing while sitting. Then I stopped any doing, then I began the arduous (today) movement from head to feet. All inclusive.
Seemingly, it doesn’t matter if I follow the breath, scan through the body, follow thought or whatever, it’s the actual stopping and sitting still that counts, that allows the organism to do what it needs to do, the energy to go where it needs to go. I no longer seem to care if I’m lost in thought or to bring thought back to the breath. The awareness is more natural now, less controlled. Control is seen as another scam, a best guess as to what’s needed. The organism knows what’s needed. And in the intensity of the head shaking back and forth for ten minutes it’s clear that thought is staying detached from what’s going down and is still playing a game. It’s not wrong; that’s what’s happening too. But in the intensity the movement of thought is clear and it can drop away naturally, without choice and so attention can be complete. A total attention and non-detachment from what is going on. In those moments the situation changes 360 degrees, about turns, the very dimensions one was operating in no longer exist and what’s happening is no longer the same.
From a fizzy, muddled, fleeting awareness to razor sharp direct connection to the body. Beginning all foggy from sleep and a perhaps too warm lap bath, then waking up as I move through the body, attempting to feel all but skipping here and there, always an inch away from where I’m feeling, like I can’t stay still for a moment and my aim is off. Sudden spurts of head shaking, and then sudden tightening of shoulders, head bowed forward. No arm shaking these days. Exquisite ripples of intense pleasure, I of course wanting more of that but I don’t linger in the nice places, I attempt to keep everything on a level. No area appears to be hidden by the end and I’m able to focus in on any area without effort. A feeling of a bubble, a force field surrounding me, protecting and nourishing.
Exquisite. The greatest pleasures are ironically when the one seeking and demanding pleasure gets out of the way. True pleasure cannot be controlled or manipulated, encouraged or saught… it comes out of nowhere, in waves of peace and joy and delight. Early on I held fear gently, noticing any doing of anything about it. Gently, gently, yet holding nonetheless. Later when I realised I was kind of daydreaming I understood that I’d already had a whole night of that and more wasn’t needed or helpful, even if it’s fuzzily pleasant. So I began the listening to sensation throughout the body, from the very crown of the head downwards, and back up, and back down, and then an all-encompassing slow journey back to the crown. Tingles. Blind spots I want to skip over and when I reverse slightly, memories of people of my childhood and youth, popping into my mind. At one point it seemed that the very thinking was from within my skin, as I moved over it, so thought flitted and changed. Fleeting, insubstantial. Substantial beyond comparison is the strength of the body and the growing ecstasy around my belly and base. Thought has nothing on this and I saw that my world was so tiny, the world of control, direction, thought and worry. Not condemnatory very small but factually very small. There’s something much much more, beyond, and it’s clear I don’t have very much of a clue what is really going on here. Yet it feels good, true, and something worth exploring, even if ‘I’ cannot. Get out of the way and let.
I’m able to feel the whole of my back. Previously there were swathes of it that seemed to be a blank, nothing there that could be felt. I’m not sure how this changed. Noticing today how I was able to be in the approximate area of a body part but while there I was flitting about, unable to keep steady, little jumps here and there in a ‘good enough’ approximation of awareness. ‘Good enough’ doesn’t cut the mustard, it’s not… good enough. After noticing this, I was able to steadily move over the body, down then up, and once back up, lingering on the areas which were shouting the loudest: top of right shoulder, lower lumbar, left calf.
A full on shaker-maker, head rapidly moving side to side when I touched upon some sensitive spot in the spine. Moving up through the back, the shoulder area tightening and tightening, all scrunched up. Keep moving up and the neck clicks into place and by the time I’m back to the top of the head I am sitting totally erect, effortlessly, the body in perfect alignment and balance, without a hint of will to do this. Earlier in the shaking and twisting, a nausea suddenly. Thoughts go to grabbing a box of tissues if needed. Body tingling all over, impossible to tell where my skin ends in space as awareness glides from part to part. A perfect tension introduced wherever I go, and release once passed. Again the strong feeling that, although terrible and agonising at times, this is good work, perhaps the only work.
A voice has spoken to me twice in my life, a voice more direct than someone standing right next to me, at once more powerful and real than any thinking or listening. Even more real than a voice, yet it used words. The first time was in the late 90s when I had started to lie down in a place of comfort and security and… I don’t know, just relaxing, in awareness, apparently going deeper and deeper… and then from nowhere it said: YOU TOOK YOUR TIME. In a friendly and slightly joking yet austere kind of way, very welcoming. And that was it. And it was true, it had taken me a very long time to learn to relax, I realised.
Woke having been dreaming I was in conversation with Noel Gallagher for a couple of hours. I asked how he spent his time these days. Oh, googling, was his reply.
Wanted to lie down, as usual, then I asked: what’s the difference? Is it really safer, more comfortable? I’ll sit down again soon, maybe after the weekend. ‘Soon’ could be today, why not? And so I sat down, simple, no argument or debate or pressure. And when I sat I saw that any technique would be a desirous movement towards something or away from something. So I just sat. Of course, then there is ample time for thinking about various things at work or in my life. I didn’t do the classic: ‘and now return to the breath.’ Who was ‘I’ to do that? Why would I do it? No, it’s more natural. Anyway, once returned to the breath, what then? The cycle continues. No, it’s more natural, the attention simply moves nearer, a layer of activity drops away. It seemed to be ‘nearer’ rather than ‘deeper’, a coming closer to home rather than an exploration of the depths. No exploration, no seeking, no trying to work it out or find something, rather a coming home. Come home. Come home. Return. And yet not even a movement in that direction, more like an unfolding, an undoing of doing. And one doesn’t do this unfolding or undoing, it occurs. This all felt very restful, and anything that wasn’t restful or natural was exposed as the effort and subtle struggle it was. Everything is as it is, I don’t have to work it out. Waves of bliss, waves of strife, waves of pain, all come and go and preference towards or against any is unnecessary.
Scattered at the start, moving rapidly around the body, as if in some stress and that something’s wrong. Calmed down as I continued moving, sensing, seeing how I dart away from certain areas, linger in others. Listening, listening, feeling, feeling, the reality of the body and mind. I wonder if there is anything to be anxious about. Do I do it to myself? Like spook myself? The future based on the past. Things happened in the past and so they are going to happen again, so… watch out! Be on guard. Be nervous. It’s coming. The worse thing is coming. All sorts of anxiety based on – what? – sensations. Spooked by my own body and it seems perfectly possible not to be.
The default state of fear is so familiar. Waking up from a deep night’s sleep after fearful dreams. Washing and brushing teeth, there’s something coming up to be afraid of. Sitting in the corner of the bedroom, fear is around the corner. Fear of the past, fear of the future. Sitting still, birds singing outside, body strong and comfortable on the cushion, what’s to be afraid of? I don’t know. But it’s there, seemingly. Without going in any direction I held the fear close, noticing its flavour and substance, and how it felt in the mind and the body. So familiar. There for as long as I can remember. There’s something to be afraid of, there’s something to be afraid of. At least right now, I think, there’s nothing. No one to interact with, nothing I have to do. So fear is a residue or imagination and those can be met in stillness, now, while I’m sitting here. It soon becomes clear that I am intwined with the fear, it’s not something other than me. Just feeling it, allowing it near, suddenly there is no fear different from me. My very attitude seems to be the fear itself. There’s not a thing made of fear, it seems to have no substance of itself but only in relation to me. I can’t say that it ended or dissipated or dissolved entirely but there’s now a handle on it, the way it works and the way I work. And the key to this tricksy lock seems to be in nothing but awareness. Not a doing of awareness but simpler than that.
Awoke around four, like at Dharma Dipa, and after realising I was wide awake and would be for some time, I began to sit at around four thirty. Excruciating. No defences left and noticing that residence makes it worse. Strong pain behind the forehead. Breathing, breathing, and then even this stopped for long moments. Another time I kept breathing out, out, out; was it even possible to breathe out this far? Abdomen sucked right in. The organism has the seat, there’s very little I can do about anything. And that’s something of a relief despite the agony. And if there isn’t resistance, is it really agony at all? Right in the heart of it, it seems to be something else entirely. If nothing else, this sitting every day is deeply satisfying, like scratching an itch I have felt for years but haven’t been able to reach. Vipassanna reaching deep, deep inside.
This is as total as it’s been, awareness throughout the whole body, an exquisite tension throughout, hot spots calling out louder: back of right thigh, shoulders, neck. My face in a kind of silent scream, pulses of energy moving throughout, using the spine as a main channel. Before this, a dropping away of various doings, sometimes reluctantly, but understanding that I hide in all partial actions, like ‘watching’ or ‘moving through the body’ or resisting. Not to force not do these things but in the doing of them the very doing is obvious and can drop. Also the avoider. Even avoiding the sensations I think I like. Too much ecstasy? Go somewhere else! Feel something different! Think something, get lost in a little daydream or thought. Too much pain? Likewise. Down to very subtle feelings: avoid, avoid. The avoiding and avoider can also be understood in this exposure and cessation or retirement has a chance, instead of the usual do do do. Not that cessation is a reaction to doing. Sitting way past the hour chime, impossible to end then, but there comes a time when the energy has settled and it’s back to a more regular sitting still, thinking a bit, and then it can end, itching for another dose of actuality later on but likely to be tomorrow.
I’m at the edge of something. This is as far as I’ve dared go before. Or been able to. Or been allowed to. Limitations are dropping away and so is my ability to control. I see my puny little desires squirting in this direction or that, all the while something growing, building, gaining strength and power, something way beyond me. Yet in a way it is not beyond me, it is the ‘total me’ in sense, or the total organism of which ‘me’, the chooser, seems now to be a very tiny part. Overwhelming energy. A force field around my whole body, the physical enclosed and protected by it, yet not a closed system, but open to everything, the cosmos. The direct way in (and out?) seems to be through the top of the head, the very top part of the crown, from which the practice starts. Not that it’s anything much to do with the practice itself. Perhaps the practice prepares the organism for this something beyond. There’s a connection not imagined but more real than anything I’ve known.
How can that have been an hour? Seemed like about twenty minutes. Woke this morning with strong jealousy, a partner receiving a really cool letter from a really cool guy. This jealous and inferior feeling ate at me during the sitting, an overly sweet, nauseous sensation in the chest to the right of the heart. It eased after some time, seemingly melting away. Back to where it came from or away away, I don’t know. Then hatred towards a person who could make me feel like this. Not the letter-writer but the girl. And not really any one girl but a blend.
Goodness gracious me! This for sure with no hesitation is the thing to be doing. Sitting down, shutting, up and learning what doing is necessary and what can cease. And as it eases, naturally, of its own accord, what joy! Then waves of ecstasy, bliss and overwhelming wellbeing. Strong connection between the top of the head and the base of the spine. A magic conduit. Everything joins up, mind and body and all through the organism, connected as if the divisions never were real. It’s not easy. By any means it’s not easy. There is a kind of hard-fought ease and once it comes I wonder what the struggle and effort was about. Unnecessary. So many unnecessary activities out in the world and internally. Powerful surges up through the spine and head shaking faster than I thought possible, shoulders unwinding and energy moving up through the head and out to who knows where. And the hour is over, it’s duration some kind of crazy time, not a normal hour at all.