Meditation Journal 21 March 2014

How can that have been an hour? Seemed like about twenty minutes. Woke this morning with strong jealousy, a partner receiving a really cool letter from a really cool guy. This jealous and inferior feeling ate at me during the sitting, an overly sweet, nauseous sensation in the chest to the right of the heart. It eased after some time, seemingly melting away. Back to where it came from or away away, I don’t know. Then hatred towards a person who could make me feel like this. Not the letter-writer but the girl. And not really any one girl but a blend.

Moving through the body, a painful ache in the right shoulder. Later my right hand went into an impossibly tight fist. Head shaking. Spine bent forward at times. And in the middle of this intensity, the hour was up, surprising me. I felt it was important to finish, not drag myself out and up just because the hour was over, instead waiting until I was back to the top of the head, spine straight, shaking ceased, yet a nagging that I want to touch more, something being left unturned, unfelt, calling. Sat still with eyes open a while and felt very much myself in the early morning.

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