am 50 mins

Wanting to be independent, to not follow any technique, yet left to my own devices the thoughts, plans, soothing half-sleep dominate, and after all that’s how it’s been for all these years, meditating or not. So to practice, knowing the danger of thinking it is a way out somehow, a solution. It may be, I don’t know. But I also know very well my own tricks and the ‘I’ll just sit here and watch’ attitude, which is actually doing something much more in terms of ‘me’ operating than the simple technique of moving awareness over the body. The ‘just watching’ is never quite that – there’s always a direction, a pushing. Of course, I can learn about this in ‘doing’ the watching. I can also learn about it while ‘doing’ the technique. And so the upshot is I am going to invest in it a while. Do it by the book for a change. I don’t know any better, I’ve realised. Be a little humble. And also see if it’s possible to sit twice a day. After all, how many books and TV series do I need to watch?

pm 45 mins

I did it! In the midst of downloaded TV and the urge to read afterwards, I paused, and it was clear the thing to do was sit down and do nothing. Practice: taking it easy. Whatever happens. Practice: allowing the quick awareness to be quick and the slower awareness to follow on behind. Practice: Getting closer to myself. Noticing movement away and in a certain direction. It’s like entering into myself somehow. Practice: letting sensation take over completely until there is no me. It’s times like this that I crave. The most real of real.