An almost-loop at the very western edge of the South Downs National Park. From Magdalen Hill east of Winchester, up towards Cheesefoot Head and then across the downs to Morestead. Then down into Chilcombe through the firing range and finally across the M3 into Winchester via The Soke.
150209 Meditation Journal – Meditation + yoga + yoga nidra = ?
Parts of the body tensing and contorting, either alone or within awareness of that area. Hand – the right hand, go figure – neck sides and front, up under the lower jaw, jowls even involved in this morning’s sit. Sciatic nervy pain down behind the hips. Right foot at the bottom of it all, flexed at times. Despite the strong sensations and eye scrunching, an appreciation of the realness of it all, the genuine feeling of the body exactly as it is, and that the body is being allowed true expression and release, the mind only minimally involved for once in the day. This sit deep in the night, three something to four something, and time for some deep rest now.
Slept until naturally woke around eight. Always such a restful sleep after meditation, because meditation is actual work (without doing anything – yes!) Yoga this evening, lots of leg stretched and hip openers. I’ve been listening to a new yoga nidra recording, one hour twenty minutes long, working on deep restoration of all the sheaths of the organism (physical body, subtle body, psycho-emotional body, wisdom body and the soul body.) I don’t know anything about Maalika Shay Devi Dasi but she has a great voice for this, and the work is at deeper levels than any other yoga nidra or relaxation recording I’ve found. Highly recommended!
150129 Meditation Journal
Looking into right discipline, right effort, right concentration. It’s easy to fritter away an hour in loose thinking, rather like the dreamy night beforehand. Meditation needs to be something different, with focus but not with any forcing. This is a fine balance.
Today was all about the neck and its holding, tightness, pains and tensions. The poor thing gets the brunt of this life and is holding the heavy head all the live long day.
150128 Meditation Journal
Alone in silent darkness.
Alone: sat still,
alone without authority,
alone all one.
Silence: but for the night sounds of the building,
the storage heater buzzing as it charges,
the creak groan grind of the freezer,
wind buffeting the window,
an occasional turning of a human in a bed in a nearby room.
Ahh, bed.
Darkness: it being deep in the night
when the early hours become the early morning,
still winter despite our hopes.
I like the winter,
it’s moods and its inwardness.
Darkness: but the lights of the internet,
a glow of a charger.
Only somewhat alone,
only somewhat silent,
only somewhat dark.
I can easily fix two with a mask and earplugs.
The alone part is where it gets really interesting.
Who is watching?
Who is doing?
Who is meditating?
Who is sensing?
Does he think he is different from the thing sensed?
Is he under any influence and so not truly alone?
Is he a he?
Is who a who?
Alone in silent darkness.
150127 Meditation Journal
It’s clear that the brain can’t do ‘future’ very well. It can do past; it’s riddled with it; but the future is guess work, projections fuelled by pleasure and fear, attraction and aversion. An upcoming event in the mind seems made of a remembrance of a venue or setting, plus old feelings from last time, or many times, stored in the same ‘me in that kind of situation’ box. This is how it does future, and sat still in the quiet morning, its level of validity and potency fades.
Otherwise, during the sitting: strong tensions in various parts of the body, especially the neck. Some contorting, some shaking. A deep feeling of sensation from a position as neutral as possible, of reactions and distractions.
150126 Meditation Journal
am 1 hr
Still supercharged from the film – Whiplash – last night. During the final twenty minutes I was totally gripped, timelessly into every moment, and then a stimulating discussion following. I was awake until the early hours then woke before six. It seems okay; I feel well and rested, albeit with a charge in my chest. These days I don’t crave more sleep like I once did, okay to be awake if I’m awake.
More and more the meditations are involving the heart as well as the brain, and also it’s less about thought and more about energy and release. I often feel highly connected to something other than what I think of as ‘me’, and the me I do feel is of a more authentic nature.
So, a full on meditation session, head shaking rapidly from time to time, but not lasting long. With the charge not feeling wound up, but very alive within a certain relaxation.
pm 20 mins
The film still with me when I stop and sit. I can’t remember a more raw and real and intense film. Thoughts trundling on but I’m not fighting them. There’s no need to bring violence and control into meditation. Has no place. A tingling over the top of the head developed as the thinking lost its power somewhat. A good way to wind down near the end of the day, having driven back from yoga class in Winchester. I’m happy that I am sitting regularly again.
150125 Meditation Journal
Morning:
Excruciating. And yet when directly in contact with the sensation it is different, a pain is no longer a pain but a strange communication, a beacon: ‘over here, something is up’. Mind scattered through the first half, gradually coming together.
Going back to bed a while; it’s now 06:20 at supposedly the most depressing time if the year. I feel like I want to rest for a week, doing next to nothing.
Evening:
After a resetting relaxation after yoga, a smoother meditation session, a definite unfolding inward, without choosing to go that way, an unfolding through an inner tension of the brain itself, as if awareness is getting closer and closer to the heart of the matter, and almost, seemingly, the centre of consciousness. There, if it is a place, it is black and thought has a great rest. More than black and more than a rest. Deeper, yet not comparable. And it’s a rest yet it is intense. Probably the slight duality remaining, a slight friction. But homely in its unrecognisable cosy intensity.
150124 Meditation Journal
Every day, sitting up not lying down. Every morning, and a bit in the eve. Otherwise something builds up that needs to undo. Of course, ideally there wouldn’t be any doing up to undo and rules such as ‘every day’ wouldn’t be needed. But there’s London, there’s badminton, there’s Portsmouth, there’s work and there’s obligations, and they all create a winding up and that can and needs to be released.
It’s 04:16 and I just sat for an hour. Layers releasing from holds in the body and at the same time layers of stuff wrapped around the me as the watcher, the doer of scanning, the wanter, sliding away seen and releasing. Release. That’s a good word and even better when it’s actual. Back to bed but wide awake. I need more rest which will come in an hour or so.
150120 Meditation Journal
Every session different. After yesterday’s gentle lingering on the most prominent sensations, I expected much the same today. But the mind skipped, twisted, danced, skirted, flew and didn’t want to linger anywhere. Awareness of sections of the body, the head, the neck and shoulders, the arms, the chest and upper back, the lower torso, the pelvis, the upper legs and knees, the lower legs and feet. Which all sounds organised and orderly. It wasn’t. Once those general areas were felt, down the body and back up, it was impossible to feel a particular part without skipping about all over it, flitting this way and that. There was no sense of struggle to control this but a strong sense of ‘this is me, this is how the mind is today’. So the emphasis shifted from the body parts to the ‘me’ who was doing the awareness. A strong notion of not stepping over anything to reach something else, some peace, some stillness, but to stay with the fleeting-ness, the skipping, as that’s the actuality, not the beyond. Appreciation of this connectedness, the listening to all sensation AND the bouncing self; appreciation of inclusiveness and inclusion. It can’t be a stepping toward the pleasure over that which is not wanted, but a gentle unflinching embrace of what’s there. This isn’t a doing from the outside; there no longer being a doer, but the me, the sensation, unfolding from itself. In awareness things naturally reveal themselves, including the one being aware, and therein lies the magic.
150119 Meditation Journal
It’s important to keep starting over, knowing nothing. Initial scanning quite quick, surrounding the body, a few inches out. Noticed it could glide easily everywhere except the lower back and back pelvis where it would get incredibly sticky and would not move. Honed in on various pains: a knot in the neck, one to the left of the spine, the right calf, and sciatic-like nerves below the left buttock towards the end of the hour. All the while noticing my approach to these strong sensations and seeing if it is possible to feel without any cockiness, without any knowing, without optimism or pessimism, to feel so closely that understanding and therefore change is not only possible but perhaps inevitable. This seemed to happen in a few instances, completely focused on one thing, yet somehow feels total at the same time.
Dreams earlier of being slightly mocked by my mother in a kind of lovingly teasing way, leading to a mild shame of myself, while trying to help out with something in the kitchen when very young.
There’s no need to have a conclusion about anything, especially not what’s going to happen to us, to the world. No philosophy, no story.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 18
Today’s smoothie was the Strawberry Orange Iron Booster. Here’s the pre-blended ingredients, with spinach, hemps seeds and coconut water in addition to the obvious:
In the mix:
The delicious result:
This was definitely one of my favourites. Unlike the other two times, I didn’t substitute strawberries for something else, opting for Moroccan strawberries at £2 for like ten of them. A bit concerning how they didn’t seem to perish in the slightest. We’ll let that slide. Apparently, having vitamin C foods together with foods containing iron, it increases the body’s ability to absorb the mineral.
Today was the last day of my mini-kind-of-retreat since new year’s eve, choosing to start the year alone. I don’t think I realise at the time how deeply I’m working with the meditation and yoga when there’s no one else around to pull me out in between. A bit like when a ten day meditation retreat is on its last day and everyone can talk again, and so we think we’re back to normal, not realising how deeply we’re still working.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 17
Behold: the Pineapple Mango Digestion Soother:
I held back on the coconut water to create this gloopy agaesque chlorophyl-tastic masterpiece. The green comes from the kale and the only other ingredient but for those in its title is ginger.
Went for a walk along the Itchen from Martyr Worthy, through Easton, and under then back under the M3, in glorious winter sunshine. Here’s the church at Martyr Worthy:
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 15 & 16
New Year’s Eve’s smoothie was the Peach Cobbler: Peaches, lettuce, ginger, cinnamon, hemp seeds and almond milk. Pretty good, mild in taste and appearance, aided by the party straw:
Today’s was the Digestion Cleanser: Blueberries, pear, lettuce, ginger and coconut water. I used frozen blueberries which weren’t bad at all. Perhaps more of a watery result than fresh ones. Look at this dark, mysterious beauty, quite the contrast to yesterday’s:
A quiet and restful New Year’s Day. What better way to start the year? Slept as long as I needed, meditated an hour, made smoothie breakfast, leisurely drank it over about 45 minutes, listened to music (Ghostface Killah), had a snooze, then stir fry and rice for lunch, watched Graham Norton recorded from last night, got some logs in (my only step outside on this wet and windy day), browsed a bit, another hour’s snooze, then an hour’s yoga, twenty min evening meditation, then posted this. Tomorrow, perhaps surfing. A healthy and wholesome new year to everyone!
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 14c
Another make my own smoothie day, but I have now been to the ‘super’ market so normal service resumes tomorrow. Today I used: pok choy, banana, orange, a little almond butter, hemp seeds, coconut water, mint and parsley. Just whacked it all in the NutriBullet and as usual it tasted great.
Check out the super frosty morning outside – nice!
It’s like I’m getting a head start on the new year, with over two weeks of breakfast green smoothies under my belt and in my veins and cells and whatnot. And lots of flowing yoga, full breathing, reaching gently, touching all parts. Stronger and looser. And an hour and twenty minutes of meditation every day for months now, even if for the most part lying down, centring and understanding the mind. Come the new year I’ll not lie down but make that initial minimal effort to sit. I actually want to do these things, having finally found practices I like and daring a bit to work through the awkward feelings that can come as things get uncovered in yoga and sitting.
This eve’s meditation, after yoga, noticing all attempts at direction or doing, getting subtler and subtler. Then like a gnarly area of tension in the brain and it being gently bundled and carried away someplace, without my doing. Fighting anything does not work, nor resistance. A sense of burning away of the unnecessary very apparent.
Got my new wetsuit. After disappointing results with a zip free Rip Curl I sold it and bought an Xcel Infiniti 5/4 2015:
It’s a medium tall and fits very well. Looser under the armpits than I’m used to but nothing to worry about. Really soft neoprene, very secure chest zip system, and the lining is something else with its Thermo Dry Celliant technology and infra red print:
I can’t wait to try it out! Maybe there’ll be some channel swell over new years, otherwise it’s waiting for a spring trip or perhaps Morocco.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 14b
Ah, well, umm, didn’t have the ingredients I needed for today’s smoothie, so am improvising. For a couple of mornings, until I can get to the shop tomorrow evening. So, using up leftovers from previously, I made a pineapple, lettuce, hemp seed and almond butter smoothie, with a little coconut water. My first concoction and a delicious success! Can’t really go wrong I reckon. Here is the pale beauty:
The now-usual clear headedness all morning. The little nut butter kept any hunger at bay.
Back to the yoga this evening after not doing any over Christmas. A great after work work out with the Strala ENERGISE routine. Then twenty minutes of mediation, returning fully to centre, ready for the eve – watching What We Do In The Shadows with some friends.
Lunch was rice and chilli beans and supper was baked potatoes and baked beans. The only sugar-free baked beans I’ve found are the Whole Earth organic. Why is sugar in almost everything shop-bought? I can handle fructose and honey no problem but refined sugar sends me loopy a while, then crashing big time for a day or two, achy muscles and lethargy, pale skin. So I learnt quite a while ago just to ignore anything with refined sugar.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 14
Such a good one today: the Calcium Booster. It contained: oranges, banana, kale, tahini and almond milk. I didn’t have the last two ingredients, so substituted almond butter and rice milk. Nut butter in a smoothie is a revelation! Highly recommended, especially if you want the full feeling to last a while or need a bit of a calorific boost. It also looked a treat:
So, I’m two weeks in, going strong. It doesn’t feel like a ‘challenge’ at all and I look forward to breakfast every day. Even in the cold winter, I don’t fancy anything else for breakfast. A reminder that I’m following the challenge from the Young and Raw app, which seems to vary from the one on their website, for some reason. It’s giving me a lot of ideas from when the challenge is over, and I’ll probably settle into a dozen or so of my favourites.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 13
Today’s smoothie was the Strawberry Creamsicle. I’m not sure what a creamsicle is but the ingredients for the smoothie are: strawberries, orange, celery, cucumber, hemp seeds and coconut milk. I didn’t have any strawberries so I used frozen raspberries. I didn’t have any coconut milk so I used (again, vegans look the other way) organic whole milk and a little coconut water. So mine was much changed from what it should be. I didn’t taste the raspberries beforehand but I suspect they were rather weak in flavour, as the smoothie lack punch, kind of watery despite the milk. Well, it was okay, just not great. It looked smashing though: 
This was at 10am as I’d been up at 0245 to give C a lift to Heathrow. Here’s my facebook status once I got back in around 0600: Up before three, drive into the morning over and around fallen wood, no one on the road until the bread lorries of the motorway. Hovis. Taking the racing line, the road is mine, to the shining airport. A fond, loving farewell after check-in, tears my side, nearly always my side. Then back three hours after leaving, the homes still sleeping and the greengrocer in town setting up for his Saturday as I drift gently back to sleep.
Later I went into Winchester on the bus, having walked into town from Old Alresford. I used my Narrative Clip and here’s a selection. I’m not sure I’m going to keep that gadget long. As for the NutriBullet, for sure I’m keeping it as it’s doing me the world of good. 2015 I intend to spend my money only on those things that allow for wellness.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 12
Behold the Apple Pie Smoothie:
It tasted as good as it looks and sounds. Apple, banana, kale, cinnamon, ginger and almond milk. Vegans look away now: I replaced the almond milk with organic whole cows milk. It made a really filling and nutritious breakfast, boosting my levels of acetylcholine and flavonoids.
A bit of a hangover day from the Christmas foods, but the usual familiar sluggish feeling has been kept at arms length by these healthy smoothie breakfasts.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 11
The Christmas Day smoothie was the mighty Kiwi Omega Booster, which consisted of a delicious blend of, yes, kiwi, with spinach, cucumber, coriander (forgot to put it in) and hemp seeds (making the other part of the name). It was very good, may have been even better with the coriander.
So, not so very Christmassy but a very good way to start the day, having been up until 0200 for the midnight mass, and also to cure the headache from my first caffeine a few years, one cup of green tea. Was truly buzzing on that in the church last night. While waiting for the service I meditated for a while. The vibes were pretty good. Interesting to observe the Christian rituals of my youth once again. The best bits were the singing and the sermon, during which distance and division between me and the vicar seemed to vanish and there was a pure listening. The petitioning prayers I think we can all do without. We may go again.
The actinidain in the kiwi will help my body digest protein molecules. Good because I have been having more than usual, given the Christmas fare.
30 Day Green Smoothie Challenge – Day 10
The Tropical Vitamin Booster was great! Pineapple, mango, lettuce, lime. I didn’t need to add any liquid thanks to the juicy fruits and I like my smoothies thick.
I had to take my time drinking it, so rich it was. Usually I take about 45 minutes. Today I took it with me when we went to get a few last minute Christmas things in town, and wandered round The Long Barn shop sipping it through my straw. The small town Christmas feeling was homely and spirits high, and we got a good walk from where we parked. Swedish style, we had our Christmas dinner today, on Christmas eve, and opened a present each, the rest will be British style in the morning. Tonight we’re going to midnight mass at Portchester Castle’s church, near my brother’s.
Merry Christmas everyone! Peace.
Falling Awake 