Vipassana Meditation Day 10

am 1 hr

It went smoothly this morning, relatively. The mind very still in the pre dawn, for periods, barely a thought wobbling by, and all sensation, feeling contained and included in the pervasive stillness. Moving through the body was easier too, with few areas of tightness or pain, the knots near the spine seemingly gone. At least for now. Shoulders tight, right hamstring tingling, right arm shaking and trembling at times when in the area. Then relaxing in some kind of totality of body-mind, and a sense of togetherness and inclusion.

pm 58 min

Just sat there. Felt nauseous, so I guess that was the main sensation. Lots of too-ing and fro-ing with thinking about this and that. Some cursory scans down and up but a long distance from the body, not really in touch. Some insights as to what equanimity is, and if the sense that any ‘I’ being anything is pretty much just a game of equanimity. And there I was. And there was this body, still for another hour, through it all. Every time different.

Vipassana Meditation Day 9

am 1hr

Again the face, this time the lips, scrunching into expressions and positions I could not make if I tried. Similar to during the course. Likewise, at the extreme of the scrunch, one thousand needles piercing from every angle, the sharpest sensation. Moving on, through the body it felt unfinished in the face and sure enough during lovingkindness the lips began again, some kind of yogic pouting. Beforehand, the understanding that any movie watched will want to be undone again, the mind replaying scenes from what I watched last night. Also clear that there’ll be resistance and division unless something is done fully, totally perhaps. If it’s not being done fully, wait a while and regroup. This is  something of fulfilment.

pm

Yoga class instead; some breathing before bed.

Vipassana Meditation Day 8

am 1 hr

Went through the wringer. As soon as attention came to the forehead I was sobbing. Then to the shoulders and my head fell forward, arching into the back of the neck into the shoulders. It wanted to stay like this some time and deep tension was touched within the back of the neck and upper back. Nothing to do but listen and be patient and listen some more and notice what’s occurring, including thoughts towards and away and seemingly at random. Little attempts to divert or to do something about the state of affairs. And there’s nothing to do. It seems the body knows what to do and is learning to use the opportunity of the one hour slots to work things out, in the arena of the mind’s awareness. The sobbing didn’t last long but the head was bowed forward most of the hour. And at this intensity the time goes by very quickly. My right arm had quite a few shakes, down into the wrist. The forehead also go wrung, and seep into the eye sockets and upper cheeks aound the bones.

pm 1hr

On the Waterloo-Petersfield train. The most relaxing train ride I’ve ever taken. A full carriage, chattering students, fading into a background ripple as awareness of breath deepened.

Day 6

am

It’s about being in touch. When I’m not in touch, within myself, my body, and with people, there’s tension, restlessness, boredom, and the mundane sets in. What is being in touch? Direct perception of things as they are. Out of touch is things as you’d like them to be, or simply as they are not. As far as I can tell, this ‘as they are’ is forever shifting and flowing, and so that sensation I thought I knew, I no longer know. This is true for yesterday into today, and for this morning into this evening, from hour to hour, from body scan to body scan, and even within the lingering on an area for the requisite minute or two. The lingering is changing as is the sensation. Right action is ‘more in touch’ – for now

pm

After a day of pure escapism, was still able to sit down despite some grumbling about it and trying to find an excuse. There is no valid excuse, but I listen. Considering the day of avoidance, with a feeling of shame nearby, was surprisingly still, quickly settling with the breath and then a part-by-part tour of the head, body and back up. Then another down and up. Sensation: sciatic in right buttock; right ankle; deep around the eyes and upper cheeks; across the centre of the back during the later scans of a hoop around the torso; subtle tingles over the head and in other areas where gross sensation absent. Some nausea. A release of obsessional fear centred around a weeks-away event.

Day 5

am

Feels like I am back to how I was towards the end of the course, in terms of steadyness and togetherness. The feeling of completeness and a job done well, instead of some of the bodge jobs during the week. After a good night’s sleep till nearly 8, several minutes of anapana then moving through the body. This is a lot smoother too – right buttock, right upper arm, right foot arch, right side of face. No big shakes or ultra tightness although the arm movement was more rapid than ever in the space given by smoothness. My muscles are softer to the touch, my shoulders are lower, my belly is softening, as is my face.

pm

In the city, the sound of traffic strong at first and fading to mere vibrations. Car park anapana.

Day 4 of practice since the 10-day vipassana course.

am

Tensions not centred on particular knots but broadly across the shoulders and into the neck. Awareness of these areas led to trembling and some arching forward, not so intensely as before. Sensation increasing in lower abdomen and lower back into the pelvis. Blissful energy rising from lower spine, meeting the tightness in upper body and the mind, rippling through, undoing resistance. Some flexing of feet, but not strong. Generally milder and scanning smoother.

pm

Felt very good most of the day. Like a long term tiredness is lifting, a tiredness not fixed by sleep. Giving some time after work is better. Work out. Take a shower. Next week work out; today some domestic chores. Not entirely sure if I should stick with anapana for longer as when I begin to scan I am still scattered and without much attention for each part I come across. It’s easy to get a bit restless with awareness of only breath especially when parts of the body start calling, so I then begin the journey south bumping along, but the restlessness can go if staying longer with breathing. Middle of the back again, small spot, tender and sweet. Left hamstring white and taught. Right foot. Forehead. Staying with each, exploring how much I am pushing for change, how neutral I can be. Not easy when the forehead is scrunched up and the eyes are closed tight like in a cartoon.

am

Surges of ecstasy, lingering deep fatigue, facial tension, back arching forward, right arm rubbing the thigh like a spastic Vic Reeves over and over. One scan up and down and then the body took over. Resistences in the mind obvious, then back to equanimity, through the pleasurable and the tighter sensations. Leaving it alone, in awareness, increases the sensation and allows fuller if not fullest expression. All the while the sitting, the sitting, a constant through all manner of strangeness, a strangeness underpinned with total familiarity. RSI in right arm is undoing, wrist and upper arm freeing up. Afterwards: very tired. Lying down before work.

pm

Buzzy from a long afternoon at work in front of the screen. Standard resistence to stopping once I was home; the norm is to carry on until sleep. And now the novelty is starting to wear off, the inner desire to find out, to continue the experiment, got me sat down again. There really isn’t an option though. Gentle breathing for ten minutes, then scanning part by part. No major sensations. Feet tightened then moved. Towards the very end, third time round to the right side knot somewhere below the shoulder blade (has it moved from the spine?), the right arm trembled but didn’t move far, and back arched forward for a while. Part of my mind taunting: you can’t do this, you will fail, you’re going to stop this any second, any day soon. Some temptation to join in the fight back, to protest, but didn’t, kept still, watchful to all of it, all over the place.

am

Very tired. First ten minutes, mind dreaming of this and that, with some awareness of breath going on, but not ongoing. Eventually came to be able to move through the body in large sections. A couple of times lapsed into sleep or half sleep and the right arm was trembling and shaking for a little while. Looked at the watch: only half way through. Some despair if I’ll be able to continue. Somewhere some calmness keeping me on the cushion, it’s OK, it’s OK. This deep fatigue and tension and trouble I’ve lived with, right there with me on the cushion, normally ignored or kept at bay while I muddle on through, hoping hoping for some kind of change, or a good day extending into all other days – hoping rather than doing much about it: some yoga, some casual sitting or lying. Again, the feeling that this is really the real deal.

pm

After work. With MP3 download of one hour session with Goenka chanting at start, brief instructions and loving kindness/chanting to finish off. This meant less than an hour’s actual vipassana in silence. Which is less daunting although perhaps a little disappointing. Spiritual materialism: flat mat arrived from Blue Banyan, so now I have my little sitting space set up just right. Quality mat.

Thoughts from work: unfinished business and some conversations replaying. Made it down to the feet, the flexing and pointing of both feet continued, but more so in right foot, and to less extent. Some holding at the point of perfect tension. Again less tense than previously. Forehead scrunching, strong tension around centre, in the main muscle, seemingly at the back nearer the bone. Painful. General tightness in shoulders and neck, which I could feel building during the work day, my first in nearly two weeks. Really appreciated the time given to this instead of flitting about online or wherever, and not reluctant or scared to sit down. Maybe the slight gimmick of the recording and new mat helped. But it seems sustainable, this practice, helped by my inherent unforced interest in the internal world, without which I dedication to practice would have to be by sheer will.