121120 Meditation Journal

am

Very tired. First ten minutes, mind dreaming of this and that, with some awareness of breath going on, but not ongoing. Eventually came to be able to move through the body in large sections. A couple of times lapsed into sleep or half sleep and the right arm was trembling and shaking for a little while. Looked at the watch: only half way through. Some despair if I’ll be able to continue. Somewhere some calmness keeping me on the cushion, it’s OK, it’s OK. This deep fatigue and tension and trouble I’ve lived with, right there with me on the cushion, normally ignored or kept at bay while I muddle on through, hoping hoping for some kind of change, or a good day extending into all other days – hoping rather than doing much about it: some yoga, some casual sitting or lying. Again, the feeling that this is really the real deal.

pm

After work. With MP3 download of one hour session with Goenka chanting at start, brief instructions and loving kindness/chanting to finish off. This meant less than an hour’s actual vipassana in silence. Which is less daunting although perhaps a little disappointing. Spiritual materialism: flat mat arrived from Blue Banyan, so now I have my little sitting space set up just right. Quality mat.

Thoughts from work: unfinished business and some conversations replaying. Made it down to the feet, the flexing and pointing of both feet continued, but more so in right foot, and to less extent. Some holding at the point of perfect tension. Again less tense than previously. Forehead scrunching, strong tension around centre, in the main muscle, seemingly at the back nearer the bone. Painful. General tightness in shoulders and neck, which I could feel building during the work day, my first in nearly two weeks. Really appreciated the time given to this instead of flitting about online or wherever, and not reluctant or scared to sit down. Maybe the slight gimmick of the recording and new mat helped. But it seems sustainable, this practice, helped by my inherent unforced interest in the internal world, without which I dedication to practice would have to be by sheer will.

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