121121 Meditation Journal

am

Surges of ecstasy, lingering deep fatigue, facial tension, back arching forward, right arm rubbing the thigh like a spastic Vic Reeves over and over. One scan up and down and then the body took over. Resistences in the mind obvious, then back to equanimity, through the pleasurable and the tighter sensations. Leaving it alone, in awareness, increases the sensation and allows fuller if not fullest expression. All the while the sitting, the sitting, a constant through all manner of strangeness, a strangeness underpinned with total familiarity. RSI in right arm is undoing, wrist and upper arm freeing up. Afterwards: very tired. Lying down before work.

pm

Buzzy from a long afternoon at work in front of the screen. Standard resistence to stopping once I was home; the norm is to carry on until sleep. And now the novelty is starting to wear off, the inner desire to find out, to continue the experiment, got me sat down again. There really isn’t an option though. Gentle breathing for ten minutes, then scanning part by part. No major sensations. Feet tightened then moved. Towards the very end, third time round to the right side knot somewhere below the shoulder blade (has it moved from the spine?), the right arm trembled but didn’t move far, and back arched forward for a while. Part of my mind taunting: you can’t do this, you will fail, you’re going to stop this any second, any day soon. Some temptation to join in the fight back, to protest, but didn’t, kept still, watchful to all of it, all over the place.

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