awareness

Meditation Journal 9 Feb 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Feb 9

The pain takes me to the edge of what I can stand, the edge of myself even. I suspect this is what karma really is: the actions of the past are right here, embedded within us, locked in as stuckness, as ache, stiffness, tension. What goes around comes around, or maybe never left. We cannot get away with anything. But give it space and dare to feel and pay attention, in an atmosphere of awareness and equanimity and it starts to change, unfold, disperse. This is a right action, a karma undoer. You can’t will a pain to disperse, that’s furthering the same action that got you in this situation in the first place, but you can listen, feel, see, and the purity of that attention determines the rate of change. I just made that rate bit up; it’s not clear to me, but it does seem more instant in more complete awareness and slower in partial attention. Take a simple pain in my jaw. If I’m off somewhere else, thinking about last or this evening. In daily life I might not even notice it. In sitting, the experience is of pain, a bother, nothing much. Hone in on it, and allow it to have an expression, reveal itself and it grows and grows in severity. Keeping calm, watching, it gets so strong, overwhelming almost and then *!* it’s over. No pain. I suspect without the watcher experiencing it’s over in a flash, but in this dualistic game this is how it’s playing out.

Meditation Journal 7 Feb 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Feb 7

Needing less sleep. For so long, I have demanded more sleep. ‘If only I had enough sleep, things would be so much better.’ Now it seems I don’t need so much but this puts me up against the old demand for more. The irrational demand for more sleep is basically terrified, escapism, wanting comfort, more comfort. If I’m not sleeping, what shall I do? 

Awake at 0430 as if it was 0830, I sat for an hour, body still unwinding all sorts of tensions and aches. Now into the shoulders. Deep tinges and holdings there, into the neck. This is where I stopped before xmas, and haven’t really got back to it in the depth of the muscles there. And my face is still contorting, jaws, cheeks, lips, even the gums have an ache in them. It seems we dont want to carry this around, and previously I was only vaguley aware that I was doing so: ‘Oh, that old ache in the upper back, it’s nothing, it’s normal, I’ll live with it.’ You can’t get away with it with a meditation practice. But practice is not real life, they say. Yes it is. You are not different in practice than elsewhere. It’s certainly not an escape; quite the opposite.

Meditation Journal 6 Feb 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation 6 Feb

Equisite agony, pleasure riddled with pain, bursts of ecstasy, the poor body wracked with aches, the face stiff from society. Staying with the breath, staying with the breath, and in the staying, the one staying getting cleansed, observing more truly. All the while appreciating the realness of it, the simplicity of sitting still and listening, breathing, watching, feeling. I really appreciate this in a world of incessant action with such value and emphasis on doing. It’s so very overrated.

Incredibly centred and energetic throughout the day, completing work tasks with ease, mind clear. And for the first time I was looking forward to returning to the cushion this evening, to resume this ‘work’, despite the agonies of this morning. The feelings are real and I want more of this genuine experience. To come out of suffering, what more is there to do? A rather peaceful session this eveing, drowsy in the middle of it, body not moving very much. Some facial changes, into the mouth and lips where there’s often a deep soreness. Otherwise, staying close to sensation and breath, explosions in stillness.

Meditation Journal 5 Feb 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation 5 Feb

It’s easy to think that the watcher is the ‘real me’, my ‘true self’, pure, and that feelings and thoughts are ‘not me’. What gives the game away is the conflict in this situation, the friction between me and what’s going on. How could there be a friction if it was pure watching? No, the watcher, full of ‘should’, likes and dislikes and is subtly distancing itself from sensation and preferring something else, or approving. Today’s agitation turned out to be resistance and dislike to a feeling of nausea  Previously I would spend the day fleeing from something, not really sure what, resorting to agitated escape, muddled. Now that I am not who I thought I was, not the pure and true self, even if there is such a thing, and seeing that I am the same as sensation neutralises it.

Meditation Journal 4 Feb 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation 4 Feb

It seems it’s more about the body than the mind at the moment. I really did not expect such strong bodywork in this practice. Not bodywork in that I am manipulating the body or energy in some way but bodywork as in the body is working something out. Left alone in an hour of silence, not doing anything outwardly, no movement, it seems to take the opportunity to unwind. This is taking the form or shaking, rotation, juddering, tensing and releasing, swinging, clenching, expressions. Bringing awareness into the head and face set the right arm off immediately, a deep ache at the wrist, arm shaking faster than I can shake it. The lower jaw jutted out. The head shook, mouth slackjaw, the torso rotated in circles until I thought I was going to be sick, the head rotated, the shoulders arched forward, the legs, buttocks tensed, the feet flexed and released. Not all of these simultaneously, but sometimes so. All the while maintaining some kind of equanimity, and sometimes thoughts remembering or planning. Nothing too unusual in the mind and very cathartic in the body.

Meditation Journal 30 Jan 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation 31 Jan 2013

The mind naturally goes back over the day when it has the chance, while sitting, or when lying in bed before sleep. If there is no current concern, there is more space for the day to re-live or relieve itself and of some order to come. The no-current-concern state can come by simply being aware of the breath for a while. In meditation the approach and attitude seems to be far more important than the content. If the approach is right, the content changes on it’s own. If the focus is on content, without an equanimous approach, the content wins out and gets twisted up and gets to continue its reactionary and habitual pattern.

Meditation Journal 30 Jan 2013

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation 30 Jan 2013

It’s very simple, listen to each part of the body. It’s not simple because of what the body has been through, what the mind has been through, and suddenly the body is being listened to and the mind is learning how to listen. It’s very simple, each sensation is happening right now. It’s not simple because the brain has ideas about each sensation and decides to like it or dislike it. We are encouraged in this response – like; dislike – so much so that it seems a natural response, healthy even. It’s very simple, you don’t have to do that, to respond in any form of judgement. It’s not simple because even though we don’t have to, the habit of doing, of judging, subtle or not, is ingrained. It’s very simple, habit can be seen within this quieter time, and has chance to understand itself and even to retire. I am a habit and I’ve been given permission to retire. It’s not simple because the brain and nervous system is the most complex structure in the known universe. It’s simple, it has its own intelligence.

Meditation Journal – Day 60

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 60

Two months into home practice. Mind. Body. Sensations. Reactions.

The key is to sit down before getting involved in other activities. If other activities begin, the habit of avoidance kicks in and the momentum is so strong. Of course, it is still possible to stop but I’m looking at the path of least effort and still maintain discipline. Discipline needs no effort. So I woke at seven, got up, brushed my teeth, splashed some water about then sat down. What could be simpler? Except: Terrified. The terror of yesterday that I kept at bay through occupation right there in my heart. Okay. It’s okay. Settling into my seat, I noticed my breath. Good old breath, always new. Moving awareness over the body I noticed the sensations and reactions in each part. After a careful down and up journey, the strongest sensation was still the terror, perhaps unsurprisingly, so I drew nearer, noticing any reactions to flee or try to force some kind of change. Nausea, and a hive of activity in there, energy buzzing in such conentration in the centre of the chest, heart, solar plexus, upper belly. Is this fear itself? What is it without the mind’s response of labelling and reacting and pretending it knows all about it? Whatever it is (if it is an ‘it’ at all) it’s been around for a long long time. I don’t recall life without it. I’ve learnt to manage it, keep it in it’s place, lock it down, or let it express within confined groves, but I have never understood it. This sensation is why I have been afraid to sit still without occupation, ever since I heard of such a thing. In my later twenties at the yoga ashram, the meditation sessions were largely avoided. In yoga, a brief spell of stillness only, and still ignoring it. In yoga nidra or other relaxation, staying in the head apart from superficial tours. Stay in the head at all costs. And now I am not; I’m in a practice that doesn’t allow it. Otherwise, I know it is perfectly possible to avoid sensation one’s whole life. I’ve done it all these years and I know how to continue to. This is about unknowing. And listening. And patience. And life itself.

Meditation Journal – Day 58

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 58

am 10 mins

Overslept. Then sitting in the rip tide of forward momentum, threatening to sink into the deep waters of sleep.

pm 1 hr

Following breath as the mind went through the day at work, thought softening it’s grip as the hour progressed. Unfolding of wrapped up incidents, perhaps purely symbolic, but valid in its raw expression. Exposed at last and undoing in a brief flash of emotion wrapped in mind-created scenario. The feeling of missing something, that I should be doing something else right now, vanishing as the breath became all there was.

Meditation Journal – Day 57

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 57

am 1hr

It’s about wholeness, it’s not about getting rid of. Through some terrible mistake I thought it was about ‘getting rid of’. It’s not. After recent stormy sessions and then yesterday’s stuckness, today was careful, complete, relaxed. Although feeling exhausted I was able to rest within the grounded strength of the body, gently tending each small area of it, feeling how it felt, including all thought, sensation, emotion and tension. No more running, no more dashing through activity, there’s no need.

pm – Iyengar yoga class. More tending to and caring for the body. It’s important.

 

Meditation Journal – Day 56

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 56

am 30 mins

Thought takes on a different action in the arena of equanimity and non-response. It’s like the old game is broken. If there’s nothing to bounce off, it cannot continue its chain of cause-effect-cause. I notice a biting criticism and instead of a response of flinching, rebuttal, justification, further criticism or self-depreciation, it’s as if the criticism is criticising its very self, because that’s all there is. And that hurts the criticiser rather than another party, like shooting yourself in the foot. The criticism and the pain of it is of the same nature, and the same process and of the same thing, so it is seen by the criticiser itself that it is pointless and ultimately powerless. This breaking of the setup that allows the continuance of thought allows thought to bubble, express, but ultimately wither. It needs two and the second isn’t playing ball. Where thought is valid is in planning and preparing, bringing necessary data and working out – in terms of practical, rational matters. But when it is dreaming or biting, it has no real value or place.

pm 30 minutes

Mind very hazy, unable to connect with body, daydreams coming and going. Peacefully. Felt like I could float off into sleep yet with an awakeness. Vaguely with the breath. Unanswered questions about work projects getting clear without deciding to think about anything in particular. Later, some more body connection but movement more and a few inches and I was off again.

Meditation Journal – Day 55

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 55

am 1hr

Avoided it all morning, finally sitting still at midday. Yet sitting still isn’t how it was: so much movement again! As soon as I closed my eyes, an intense pressure came between the eyebrows, centre of forehead, face scrunched up, tears. Every part of the body tensed, released, tensed in different ways, arms in different configurations, fingers pointing like steel rods, wrists at strange angles. Then the movement really started, head rolling round, shoulders folded, body moving in circles. Then head shaking side to side dribbling all over, across my face, dropping on the blanket, mat, beyond. Not that I opened my eyes to see. I must have looked quite mad, possessed, and yet the mind incredibly calm, thought going off a little, coming back; no thought during the most intense passages. Again, spent, afterwards, collapsed in bed. During most of the time, breathing very fast and shallow, often through the mouth. And like in the early days, such pain in the lips, spiked by a thousand needles.

pm 1hr

Far less movement this evening. Very still for the first half hour. Fears: if I continue this, where will it take me? Insanity? What if I can no longer function? Is there social security for meditation casualties? And a sense that it will all be OK. After this I felt myself ascending somehow, walking upwards, and another aspect of myself was waiting for me, caring and wise, and a kind of merger took place between us. In the second half hour, areas of tension made themselves more apparent. Around the mouth, not so much the lips but a deep ache around the fleshy parts and into the jaws. A point on the right foot near the arch. The inner eyes. So, like on the course with the knots in my back, I stayed with each, noticing the subtleties of sensation, and how sensation shifts under awareness, forever changing. Then another sensation would come along, even an itch, and attention naturally moved on, until an itch became a tickle and I could smile. Later, a certain contentedness and peace that despite having a free day I took time for this. It’s easy not to but very unsatisfactory.

Meditation Journal – Day 54

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 54

am 1hr

The move from daydreamy supposed freedom to the practise of the meditation showed the resistance and reluctance of the mind to look, listen, feel; preferring to continue in its own groove, feeling all right but only within its own protective boundaries. Conditional alrightness. The change of aspect into sensing the body offers change, a change demanded and yet feared. I felt fear in my chest, not fear of change in particular but fear of some potential future event, the event itself imaginary, vague, bundled together from past images, but enough to give the centre of the chest a fizzy bubbling. The beginning rounds of moving through the body were very steady, listening to each area, feeling how each feels, sliding from one area to the next. Later, the sliding got rockier, with perfect tension coming into all limbs, belly, upper back, neck, face, releasing as attention moved on. Upon reaching the very top of the head, some sort of dissipation of everything I’d felt before, then a direct line from the head to the base of the spine, light and white close by. By the end, my head was rotating, then the whole torso from the base, circling round and round until I thought I was going to puke. And that was enough for it all to cease for this morning.

pm 30 mins

Waiting at the train station, anapana, light shows, not from any internal fireworks but the passing cars dropping off and picking up. A simple, relaxed awareness of breath amidst the rush hour.

Meditation Journal – Day 53

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 53

am 1 hr

It felt so good to be back in touch with my body, to feel each area as it was, the close contact and a responding ‘thank you!’ for coming back. Some resistance to beginning but I realised that I was still afraid whether I sat down or not, so there really wasn’t anything else to do but stop still for an hour. Distraction doesn’t really cut it as a way to spend the day. So there I was, moving awareness over different parts of the body, feeling any sensations, listening to any responses, letting thoughts do whatever they wanted to do, go where they go, and feeling closer and closer to the actual experience of having a body and a brain, what that’s like and what it means. By the time I was at the legs, they stiffened as awareness passed over them, and into flexing feet, first time round. No particular pain, more of a tensing and release, naturally, without volition. On the way back up the back arched forward, sobbing came, my left hand turned claw-like and the arm went into an armlock behing my back. The arching forward continued some time as my face contorted and stretched, exaggerated expression not found in everyday life, unless I happened to be a mime artist or something, body operating not to my will but to its own needs. It’s a curious situation and entirely without concern, even when the positions are so spasticated or unusual. Sometimes even comical: right arm in the air, pointing stiffly, like I’ve just finished a 70s disco routine, face in some kind of manic grin, left arm still locked behind me, twisted and hard, yet relishing this configuration, the master out of the way, the body at play. Or release, or whatever is going on. Again, I am not willing it, I’m just sat on a cushion for an hour. It seems to need to happen. Glad to be back at it after the Xmas and New Year shortening to 20 minutes. Glad to be back to the full vipassana sensation-based practice.

pm 1 hr

A bumpier ride this evening, even more contortion, tension, spastication, and not much evidence of any kind of release, ending the session exhausted, still tight, body, face and head aching. I am no longer sure what exactly is going on in the depths of a session like this: no thought, intense thought, bliss and agony mixed indecipherably, energy rushes, timeless states and then an incredibly time-conscious, all within the steady minimal occupation of moving attention over the body.

Meditation Journal – Days 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Days 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52 – at staff retreat

Once the door is opened one forgets how to close it. This means ordinary situations become situations of great learning and authenticity. One feels how one is feeling, and there’s not much else to can do. The game is over, in a way. Not entirely; there are still tricks available such as technological escapism, using the infinite supply of media, but even then there’s a presence and genuine sensation isn’t far away. The things that haven’t felt fully have been offered a welcome and begin to arrive through the open door.

Experiences almost like injections of fear, direct into the area just below the heart or above the solar plexus. So many times during the week I felt this squirting sensation of fear, or adrenaline, or excitement, something injected on a thought of the near future. This when sat still or doing. Much outward doing ceased during the week, replaced by meals all provided, discussions (supposedly dialogues), video and audio recordings of Krishnamurti talking of a total education. For us as well as the students. In discussion, I spoke more as the week went on, despite this door being open, to fear or whatever else. The important thing is the reaction has changed to it. I’m not fleeing but seeing, feeling, with a sense of ‘it’s okay’. Not acceptance exactly. Acceptance seems rather bland, but something like acceptance-awareness.

Quiet sitting sessions twice a day, at seven thirty and at three. Log fire burning in the foggy dawns and again just before dusk, a few more of us but still less than half the group. And in the last discussion: why is it uncomfortable to cease activity? Can we have more leisure? Why this filling up of space and time? I feel very lucky to work at a place where we are given a week off to spend going into the fundamental issues and questions of life.

I’m looking forward, with some trepidation, to continue the solo hour sitting sessions, starting tomorrow.

Meditation Journal – Day 45

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 45

am 20 mins

Thought slips away and the mind is left as a sensation receiver. So what’s going on? A fizzing in the heart area, sugary nervous sensation at the solar plexus, tightening of the belly. This is feary. In the receiving is there any reaction, subtle or gross? What am I doing with these sensations? Can I allow full expression and can there be a total listening to it?

…

Very short evening sit while vegetables roasted.

…

It’s our staff week from tomorrow for one week. I will make some notes, but am going computer free until next Wednesday. Included in the programme are two half hour sits per day and the whole week will be centred on inquiry, questioning, listening. Thanks for reading so far, and happy sitting!

Meditation Journal – Day 44

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 44

Shortening to 20 minutes has allowed a steadiness to return, and an integration of the wilds of the first 30 days. Now I’m itching for more. At 20 mins, it’s just getting going, settled into position, mind quietening. Stretched beforehand today, some early morning wake up stretches. It’s been a while and I was reminded of the luxury of a good stretch.

pm 20 mins

Thinking about all sorts. Or should I say: all sorts of thinking – as I don’t seem to be doing it. Perhaps it has a nature of its own and can’t help but do it’s thing – bubbling away with concerns and fantasies and familiar grooves. Then something happens. I become aware that I was elsewhere, then I think a little about thought and while doing so another energy comes so that by the time I am done with the few thoughts about thinking, there’s a vast space and energy. Later, as a matter of course, thought in its nature has filled this space. The space wasn’t mine, so no loss.

 

Meditation Journal – Day 43 – Alone in silent darkness

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 43

Alone in silent darkness
Making no effort
When effort comes, soon to cease
Alone in silent darkness
No attempt to be aware
Awareness takes care of itself
Alone in silent darkness
No control
When I am controlling I give it up
Alone in silent darkness
No advice or teachings to follow
When I do it’s soon the wrong path
Alone in silent darkness
Breath steady, no guidance
Posture firm and relaxed
Alone in silent darkness
No direction toward the good or the bad
No direction away
Alone in silent darkness
Daring, caring, together
Alone in silent darkness
Peace

(2x 20 mins)

Meditation Journal – Day 42

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 42

am 20 mins

Feeling fear, in the heart, a fizzy tingle, then down into the solar plexus, and in the belly a tightening. Is that all fear is? Is that what I have been trying to avoid all this time, mere sensations? Added to the sensations are layers of thought of ‘what could happen’, and ‘better to avoid that whatever you do’. The thought seems more powerful than the sensation but it seems a bit tricksy, insubstantial, and certainly inaccurate in its projections. To project it has to use imagery from the past, twisted to pretend to be the future. It’s a scam and I’m onto it.

pm 20 mins

It was asked: Must we go through all this – the practice, the struggle, the reactions? This is the tradition, to try to do something about our predicament, to respond to conditioning with a conditioned approach. Is even calling it a predicament a traditional response? Could very well be. Yet there I sit, two times a day. I don’t know if I’m practising or being traditional, probably I am, yet I am providing an environment where these questions can be asked and answered in reality rather than as a mental theory. And at times, no, there is no practice and there is nothing traditional about it. Within a traditional practice there can be revolution.

Regardless, my body has changed. My back s stronger, I can sit straight with ease, my muscles are softer yet no weaker, and the lines on my face are smoother. My mind is clearer, less chaotic, less reactive. These are all positives that come regardless of the ‘must we sit, must we practice?’ questions.