Meditation

Meditation Journal – Day 53

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 53

am 1 hr

It felt so good to be back in touch with my body, to feel each area as it was, the close contact and a responding ‘thank you!’ for coming back. Some resistance to beginning but I realised that I was still afraid whether I sat down or not, so there really wasn’t anything else to do but stop still for an hour. Distraction doesn’t really cut it as a way to spend the day. So there I was, moving awareness over different parts of the body, feeling any sensations, listening to any responses, letting thoughts do whatever they wanted to do, go where they go, and feeling closer and closer to the actual experience of having a body and a brain, what that’s like and what it means. By the time I was at the legs, they stiffened as awareness passed over them, and into flexing feet, first time round. No particular pain, more of a tensing and release, naturally, without volition. On the way back up the back arched forward, sobbing came, my left hand turned claw-like and the arm went into an armlock behing my back. The arching forward continued some time as my face contorted and stretched, exaggerated expression not found in everyday life, unless I happened to be a mime artist or something, body operating not to my will but to its own needs. It’s a curious situation and entirely without concern, even when the positions are so spasticated or unusual. Sometimes even comical: right arm in the air, pointing stiffly, like I’ve just finished a 70s disco routine, face in some kind of manic grin, left arm still locked behind me, twisted and hard, yet relishing this configuration, the master out of the way, the body at play. Or release, or whatever is going on. Again, I am not willing it, I’m just sat on a cushion for an hour. It seems to need to happen. Glad to be back at it after the Xmas and New Year shortening to 20 minutes. Glad to be back to the full vipassana sensation-based practice.

pm 1 hr

A bumpier ride this evening, even more contortion, tension, spastication, and not much evidence of any kind of release, ending the session exhausted, still tight, body, face and head aching. I am no longer sure what exactly is going on in the depths of a session like this: no thought, intense thought, bliss and agony mixed indecipherably, energy rushes, timeless states and then an incredibly time-conscious, all within the steady minimal occupation of moving attention over the body.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – Mindfulness

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Extracts from Chapter 13

Mindfulness sees the inherent selflessness of all phenomena. It sees the way that we have arbitrarily selected a certain bundle of perceptions, chopped them off from the rest of the surging flow of experience and then conceptualized them as separate, enduring, entities.

…

Mindfulness is pre-symbolic. It is not shackled to logic. Nevertheless, Mindfulness can be experienced — rather easily — and it can be described, as long as you keep in mind that the words are only fingers pointing at the moon. They are not the thing itself.

…

When you first become aware of something, there is a fleeting instant of pure awareness just before you conceptualize the thing, before you identify it. That is a stage of Mindfulness.

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Mindfulness is mirror-thought. It reflects only what is presently happening and in exactly the way it is happening. There are no biases. Mindfulness is non-judgmental observation. It is that ability of the mind to observe without criticism. With this ability, one sees things without condemnation or judgment. One is surprised by nothing.

…

In order to observe our own fear, we must accept the fact that we are afraid. We can’t examine our own depression without accepting it fully. The same is true for irritation and agitation, frustration and all those other uncomfortable emotional states. You can’t examine something fully if you are busy reflecting its existence.

…

Mindfulness is an impartial watchfulness. It does not take sides. It does not get hung up in what is perceived. It just perceives. Mindfulness does not get infatuated with the good mental states. It does not try to sidestep the bad mental states. There is no clinging to the pleasant, no fleeing from the unpleasant. Mindfulness sees all experiences as equal, all thoughts as equal, all feelings as equal.

…

It stays forever in the present, surging perpetually on the crest of the ongoing wave of passing time.

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Mindfulness stops one from adding anything to perception, or subtracting anything from it.

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In Mindfulness, one is an unbiased observer whose sole job is to keep track of the constantly passing show of the universe within.

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Mindfulness is not an intellectual awareness. It is just awareness.

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Repeated practice in meditation establishes this function as a mental habit which then carries over into the rest of your life. A serious meditator pays bare attention to occurrences all the time, day in, day out, whether formally sitting in meditation or not.

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Mindfulness is at one and the same time both bare attention itself and the function of reminding us to pay bare attention if we have ceased to do so.

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Mindfulness creates its own distinct feeling in consciousness. It has a flavor–a light, clear, energetic flavor. Conscious thought is heavy by comparison, ponderous and picky.

…

Mindfulness and only Mindfulness can perceive the three prime characteristics that Buddhism teaches are the deepest truths of existence. In Pali these three are called Anicca (impermanence),Dukkha (unsatisfactoriness), and Anatta (selflessness–the absence of a permanent, unchanging, entity that we call Soul or Self).

…

One who attends constantly to what is really going on in one’s mind achieves the state of ultimate sanity.

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Fully developed Mindfulness is a state of total non-attachment and utter absence of clinging to anything in the world.

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This pure and unstained investigative awareness not only holds mental hindrances at bay, it lays bare their very mechanism and destroys them. Mindfulness neutralizes defilements in the mind. The result is a mind which remains unstained and invulnerable, completely unaffected by the ups and downs of life.

Meditation Journal – Days 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52

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Days 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52 – at staff retreat

Once the door is opened one forgets how to close it. This means ordinary situations become situations of great learning and authenticity. One feels how one is feeling, and there’s not much else to can do. The game is over, in a way. Not entirely; there are still tricks available such as technological escapism, using the infinite supply of media, but even then there’s a presence and genuine sensation isn’t far away. The things that haven’t felt fully have been offered a welcome and begin to arrive through the open door.

Experiences almost like injections of fear, direct into the area just below the heart or above the solar plexus. So many times during the week I felt this squirting sensation of fear, or adrenaline, or excitement, something injected on a thought of the near future. This when sat still or doing. Much outward doing ceased during the week, replaced by meals all provided, discussions (supposedly dialogues), video and audio recordings of Krishnamurti talking of a total education. For us as well as the students. In discussion, I spoke more as the week went on, despite this door being open, to fear or whatever else. The important thing is the reaction has changed to it. I’m not fleeing but seeing, feeling, with a sense of ‘it’s okay’. Not acceptance exactly. Acceptance seems rather bland, but something like acceptance-awareness.

Quiet sitting sessions twice a day, at seven thirty and at three. Log fire burning in the foggy dawns and again just before dusk, a few more of us but still less than half the group. And in the last discussion: why is it uncomfortable to cease activity? Can we have more leisure? Why this filling up of space and time? I feel very lucky to work at a place where we are given a week off to spend going into the fundamental issues and questions of life.

I’m looking forward, with some trepidation, to continue the solo hour sitting sessions, starting tomorrow.

Meditation Journal – Day 45

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 45

am 20 mins

Thought slips away and the mind is left as a sensation receiver. So what’s going on? A fizzing in the heart area, sugary nervous sensation at the solar plexus, tightening of the belly. This is feary. In the receiving is there any reaction, subtle or gross? What am I doing with these sensations? Can I allow full expression and can there be a total listening to it?

…

Very short evening sit while vegetables roasted.

…

It’s our staff week from tomorrow for one week. I will make some notes, but am going computer free until next Wednesday. Included in the programme are two half hour sits per day and the whole week will be centred on inquiry, questioning, listening. Thanks for reading so far, and happy sitting!

Meditation Journal – Day 44

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 44

Shortening to 20 minutes has allowed a steadiness to return, and an integration of the wilds of the first 30 days. Now I’m itching for more. At 20 mins, it’s just getting going, settled into position, mind quietening. Stretched beforehand today, some early morning wake up stretches. It’s been a while and I was reminded of the luxury of a good stretch.

pm 20 mins

Thinking about all sorts. Or should I say: all sorts of thinking – as I don’t seem to be doing it. Perhaps it has a nature of its own and can’t help but do it’s thing – bubbling away with concerns and fantasies and familiar grooves. Then something happens. I become aware that I was elsewhere, then I think a little about thought and while doing so another energy comes so that by the time I am done with the few thoughts about thinking, there’s a vast space and energy. Later, as a matter of course, thought in its nature has filled this space. The space wasn’t mine, so no loss.

 

Meditation Journal – Day 43 – Alone in silent darkness

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 43

Alone in silent darkness
Making no effort
When effort comes, soon to cease
Alone in silent darkness
No attempt to be aware
Awareness takes care of itself
Alone in silent darkness
No control
When I am controlling I give it up
Alone in silent darkness
No advice or teachings to follow
When I do it’s soon the wrong path
Alone in silent darkness
Breath steady, no guidance
Posture firm and relaxed
Alone in silent darkness
No direction toward the good or the bad
No direction away
Alone in silent darkness
Daring, caring, together
Alone in silent darkness
Peace

(2x 20 mins)

Meditation Journal – Day 42

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 42

am 20 mins

Feeling fear, in the heart, a fizzy tingle, then down into the solar plexus, and in the belly a tightening. Is that all fear is? Is that what I have been trying to avoid all this time, mere sensations? Added to the sensations are layers of thought of ‘what could happen’, and ‘better to avoid that whatever you do’. The thought seems more powerful than the sensation but it seems a bit tricksy, insubstantial, and certainly inaccurate in its projections. To project it has to use imagery from the past, twisted to pretend to be the future. It’s a scam and I’m onto it.

pm 20 mins

It was asked: Must we go through all this – the practice, the struggle, the reactions? This is the tradition, to try to do something about our predicament, to respond to conditioning with a conditioned approach. Is even calling it a predicament a traditional response? Could very well be. Yet there I sit, two times a day. I don’t know if I’m practising or being traditional, probably I am, yet I am providing an environment where these questions can be asked and answered in reality rather than as a mental theory. And at times, no, there is no practice and there is nothing traditional about it. Within a traditional practice there can be revolution.

Regardless, my body has changed. My back s stronger, I can sit straight with ease, my muscles are softer yet no weaker, and the lines on my face are smoother. My mind is clearer, less chaotic, less reactive. These are all positives that come regardless of the ‘must we sit, must we practice?’ questions.

Meditation Journal – Day 41

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 41

2 x 20 minutes

Nothing to report today. Short, restful sessions. I’m continuing the shorter sits for the time being, then in a few days our staff retreat begins, with two half hour sits per day. After that, I plan to continue the full vipassana two hours. I will however continue to report any observations and insights (if these aren’t too grand words) here.

Meditation Journal – Day 38

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 38

am 1hr

After two Christmasy days of shorter sits and a relaxed slobbing out, it’s back to the cushion. The days of entertainment and good company have allowed some kind of integration to take place of all the inner work of the last month and more, just being myself in front of the TV, during meals and conversations. On the cushion, a sense of familiarity and a quickening peacefulness in the corner of the bedroom used for nothing else. Even when sitting for 20 minutes or less I noticed it.

Right hand went like a claw, later stretched out, starfish fingers. In the claw, deep working into each knuckle. Some nausea from richer foods of late. Face contorting. In the extremities of expression I am that expression, it’s not me looking on; awareness. Does awareness need an entity to be aware? I thought so, but then ‘I’ would think that. It’s not necessarily true. Ended up folded forward, forehead on the floor, quick breathing, face pulling all kinds of faces.

pm 20 mins

Followed the run-run-run energy for quite some time before losing it in a fog of thought.

Meditation Journal – Day 36

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Vipassana Meditation Day 36

Two 20-minute anapana slots. This evening, very clear that no element that thinks it is ‘me’ or in control is really in control, at least not for long. Begin to control and there is inevitable tussle. The former controlled becomes the controller real quick. The game was seen and it dropped away.

Meditation Journal – Day 35

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Vipassana Meditation Day 35

am 1hr

At some point during the 10-day course, I chose to move quicker because the technique seemed to demand that and it ‘solved’ an argument with myself on how to best proceed. In a way I left something of myself behind at that point, and the movement through the body became less total in its awareness, less together. Not always but often. If the technique becomes pushed on by part of me, impatient, other parts get left behind, parts of the body and the psyche, and it gets very tiring and tiresome. This morning, exhausted, fearful, pushed into a corner by fear and fatigue, I had to find a way to move. And that was very, very slow, but as complete as possible. So, moving down, I’m thinking of something. (Is thinking a reaction?) Instead of carrying on, I stopped, included the thought, included the sensation in the area I was in, then together we, I, attention, inched along, part blending into part, and including the fear, the fatigue, the objections, the bright light of wellbeing, the attention seeker, the attender, the doing as I am told and the rebel. A feeling that if this isn’t an integrated practice, imbalance occurs and perhaps further distress and confusion is caused. After the excitement of the physical releases and blisses, there is real inquiry to be made, but not by racing ahead. It is inclusive. Same goes for off the cushion. Just because there is understanding in the mind, it doesn’t mean much of the heart isn’t sad, or belly isn’t afraid.

pm 30mins

A long-term tiredness, fatigue in every fibre. This isn’t something due to how I’ve slept this week or what I’ve eaten, but due to carrying so much for so long. And the work involved in holding and the decision-making involved in avoidance. These things, more than the carrying itself, are draining and use such a lot of energy. I can feel it as I go round the body, not rushing anymore, but sensing, and seeing the thoughts that come, the imagery tied with each sensation. Such torture. One striking image was a man trying to pull a World War one tank up a muddy hill, alone, not giving up, just relentlessly tugging. It is interesting to keep aware right down through the tension, through the tiredness, through the associated thoughts, through the imagery and beyond. In the beyond, something else takes place within all that has proceeded. Yet at the moment I am rather immersed in the drudgery itself, caught up, of it. And yet the actual movement and awareness is (totally?) without effort or trace of this work. Work in awareness continues to be work. Awareness is perhaps a default state and needs no doing.

Meditation Journal – Day 34

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 34

am 1hr

Including, for the first time ever, a toilet break. Included this in the meditation: so many sensations! And a reminder that I am not the master of most of my body. Or rather, it knows what to do without me. I don’t know how to digest food, being involved in just the top and bottom ends.

I’m kneeling for a couple of days as my left inner thigh is tender. Because I’m still getting used to the cross-legged position, it’s vulnerable when so much else is happening – all the shaking and leaning – so I’m giving it chance to heal up. The exploration into the observer of sensation and sensation itself continues. I’m up to so much, all of the time. Creating time, probably.

pm 1 hr

Lying down. An area of tension in the head. From the ‘outside’ it’s very familiar from over the years. It usually repels any advances quite quickly, or sends me to sleep. Today, on nearing, it felt like I would cry. Before long I was asleep. Each time on coming back, I’d feel the tightness, get a little nearer and fall asleep once more. Something unwound by so little awareness in there in the dark of the body and of sleep. Had a sense of deep rest, which is what I needed today.

Meditation Journal – Day 33

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Vipassana Meditation Day 33

am 1hr

A rather barren, beat up, nervy landscape within. I had awoken at 5-something, full of jealousy, my lover sat too close to another, their arms touching, one leaning their head on another’s, while I sat over the way, in some kind of partitioned area glancing across, alone, deserted.

On sitting, there’s none of the lubricating bliss, the ecstasy dried up, no well to be tapped. Still, there I was, sitting in the early morning, as I am. There’s no other me or other body so this is it, however it is. Fear pulsating, aches in the body and heart, brain sore and raw. Yet thoughts not rampant, a feeling throughout that the old tricks don’t work, and that I’m going to be sitting for an hour, and again later and again tomorrow, so there’s no scheming for alternatives or delays. To start again in the New Year, for example. That was how it used to work: I’d listen to the ‘not now’. But now it is. And again. And again.

pm 20mins

Twenty minutes, like it used to be for a year and a half. And even then I’d often chop it to 15, or lie down. Following the breath. How tricksy that is! I want to do something about it, not just follow it. When doing something about it, it’s easy to have a smooth breath, nice and elongated and relaxed. And when managing while pretending to only watch, it tends to make it go all strange, with funny little inhalations, bumpy exhalations, emotional somehow. At other times there seems to be a cleaner watching, where the breath is allowed it’s own way, and the awareness just follows it. Open the door and follow it in, open the door and follow it out. That is, when I’m not daydreaming.

Meditation Journal – Day 32

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Vipassana Meditation Day 32 – The Caretaker

am 1hr

The usual ten minutes or so of thinking through things, behind which there’s a settling down. I don’t remember too much about this stage, what the thoughts were and the mini battles that go on with shoulds and shouldn’ts, because what came later kind of wiped the slate clean and was overwhelmingly intense. So after ten minutes, vipassana begun, moving down through the body. Right arm shaking, into the wrist, arm above my head at one stage. Moving steadily down, deep aches and tension in the lower neck and shoulders. The blind spots of the back of the pelvis can now be felt. The tingles and strongly pleasurable feelings around the loins and perineum. Into the legs, sciatica pretty much cleared up, some tightness in the inner thighs up to the groins. The calves are quite blind, and shins and ankles. Feet arches, still a lot going on there, tightening as I pass by. On the way back up I feel like a caretaker, checking in on each part, and it’s clear that I can be a rather grumpy one, cursorily checking in, then slamming the door on the area and moving on begrudgingly. Not slamming the door because I don’t like what I see but because there’s a feeling that there’s so much to do: go to get on. Seeing these things, aspects of the observer, in this setting means they don’t have to stay like that, and after that the observation was much lighter, spiralling around the torso, rising up, and by this stage, there’s movement everywhere, from the pelvis up. Energy rising up through the spine, and shoulders hunching like they’ve never hunched before, reaching deep into the big muscles of the upper back and neck, head forward, head back, to one side, the other, no systemised stretching but a free-form movement unter my gaze, whatever I am. It’s surprisingly, pleasurable to touch so deep, painful, yet I’m not reacting, okay with all to happen in the thick of it. The arm has another go, the legs tense and release, breathing shallow and fast, rushes of energy up from the loins, washing through the brain. All this is exhausting and enlivening at the same time. I feel I need deep rest yet I am due to care for the chickens soon, then in the office. Such is the life of a householder-monk. After lunch I had an hour’s deep sleep.

pm 1hr

Again a steady evening sit. No shakes! Strong sensations in legs towards the end, tight aches. Early on, thinking about something and then: ‘oi, you’re not supposed to be thinking’. This ‘oi’ has been there since the 90s since I first read things about meditation. The idea of it stuck and there’s part that manages my mind like that, sitting or not. For years, a bit of a bully. In this, though, anything non-equanimous attitude is very apparent, so although the ‘oi’ stopped the thought, the thinking said, no, actually something was being worked out here. The compromise solution was to think about it later. Maybe thinking sessions are needed too, to go over things purposely, those things that need thought. Thinking about things of the day subsided if not ceased and body awareness began, cycles of thought coming every now and then. Overall, feeling quite content to be sat. I noticed an agitation in observation, an impatience, making attention unable to be complete on an area, flitting about. There’s a lot of flitting. I’ve been trained in it. TV is flitting about, as are people, as is my attention. In the crucible of sitting still, these flits can be understood.

Meditation Journal – Day 31

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 31

am 1hr

Eleven hours later and it pretty much picked up right from where it left off. Like the evening and night were just a pause in what’s occurring within my system, the sitting seeming more real than the drives, the conversations, the sleeping and return home, which seems something like a dream. The hugs were pretty real though. So I’m back on the cushion the next morning, the right arm going for it big time, almost immediately, shaking like crazy, a deep ache in the wrist. Left arm too when its turn came. The right arm does’t even wait for it’s turn, it’s just off as soon as it gets the chance. Step out of the way and the body and brain will start to fix itself, in unexpected ways. It may be weird and weird things will happen but there’s a sense that weird is what’s needed and that it’s all OK, nothing to be afraid of. Once the energy started moving at the base, a beast called desire arose, a vast shadow through the mind, demanding and craving satiation and attention. It wanted to run things, to guide decisions, have it’s way. Powerful but ultimately somehow… immature and baseless. It soon passed. More subtle are the more ‘innocent’ cravings for certain feelings to come, comparing to other pleasurable feelings previously. Subtle directors within: go this way, this way is good, that way is bad. No. See them all, all the movements and urges. Don’t react. Don’t force non-reaction but don’t react and there’s entry into another mode of existence. That sounds too grand. It’s just different.

Deep tightness in the neck undoing, body feels soft all over, most problems seem a mile away, not really relevant anymore. Nothing is solved but things are truly changing.

pm 1hr

The restfulness, peace and clarity of the absence of thought. Sublime bliss. This was the steadiest meditation yet, after the storms of this morning and last evening. I was expecting the same but no, a relaxed time, awareness steady throughout, even with the lapsing into dreams and back again, the switch from thinking to dreaming, a mysterious jump although not so different in basic quality. Time-based shenanigans either way. Yet the ‘times’ when it drops away, the thinking or doing, there is a quality of freedom, space, delight, ecstasy. We can only handle so much, or the organism can. Something shuts it down, or the habit of thought, of doing reestablishes, and it’s over. Yet towards the end, the ‘it’s over’ was very short as there it would be again, suddenly. This inquiry includes all that I am. I am so grateful to have found this ‘practice’. One month after finishing the 10-day course and things are really happening, shifting. Much of the initial reluctance to sit down has gone and these two hours are often a highlight of the days, steeped in some authenticity I don’t see so much of it modern life. Maybe this will bring authenticity into life.

Meditation Journal – Day 30

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Vipassana Meditation Day 30

am 1hr

What Would Buddha Do?

It’s coming up on one month after the 10-day course ended. Recently I’ve been trying to resolve with my mind, meditate with my mind, waiting for the clear head, the lessening of thought, and then I will see clearly what is going on, see the nature of suffering. Sort it out my own way. I know best.

No. There’s a technique given and it involves the body. I’d been trying to do it too perfectly, make sure every part was felt, too fully, too effortful, and in this trying I wasn’t actually doing very much. Lots of zoning out, daydreaming and cursory scans. Rebellion, sat down and in life. Today, after some obsessing about work issues, I just began moving attention, in the state I was in. Down and up, down and up, cursory yes, but in a sustained way, more loops, more consistency. And things really started to shift. Thought naturally quietens in the face of the sheer physical phenomena. Arms shaking all over the place, knocking something nearby – ow! – neck moving this way and that, face contorting, deep ache in the inner eyes, jaw clicking and yawning so very wide. Energy moving from the base of the spine, however it wants to, in an organism and mind as it is, not waiting for the perfect time to practice perfectly. Sobbing at times. This is messy and yet it’s the cleanest, most genuine way.

Thanks, Buddha.

pm 1hr

Oh my fucking gosh. That was something else entirely. Thoughts thinking, criticism criticising and them a steady, real, quietening, naturally, gently yet quite rapidly, before vipassana began, moving through the body, down then up, at first a bit higgledy piggledy and then with more attention and flow and inclusion. I can’t recall the chronology of it all but at some stage an immense ecstasy started to build from the base of the torso. The whole body began to tingle, buzz, a curious numb yet vibrant sensation over the face and head. All the while continuing to move attention throughout. At the bottom and the top of each scan, resting with a sense of the whole body, a direct connection from crown of the head to base of the spine, including all the limbs and extremities and male titties, and not forgetting the ears. Thoughts coming, and when they go – whoosh – some other level. Not a gradation of levels but – suddenly – higher, deeper, beyond, nearer. More bliss than any sex or drug, body and mind calm and in wonderment, overwhelmed. And then the body started releasing: mega shakes in both arms, one at a time, shoulders hunched way up, the big muscles of the upper back and into the neck full of it, all the stuff, head bowed forwards at times, then kind of arching back, then into the sides of the neck, extreme tension and then release, then head shaking this way and that, feet flexing and pointing, arches crying, sobbing as it all goes on, and at the same time as the sobs an incredible all rightness pervading. Nothing wrong here. Up into the jaws, ridiculous expressions, face and head still tingling despite the full expressions made the the face without my involvement. What am I doing in all this? I’m not sure. Watching. Feeling. Not even that at times, just there in it all as it all happens without me. Humbling. Full breath. Slowly, slowly returning to normal, body still, heavy breath, head clear. It’s like being operated upon from within and without, touching even beyond what I think of as my body, like I’m a few inches larger (lightly large) than I thought I was. In the post-ecstasy I glance at my watch – 54 minutes. I come to the heart: may I be free, may I be happy, may I be liberated, may I be well, may I be fortunate. And to those I know, may they be happy, may they be well, may they be fortunate, may they be peaceful. And to the whole world, all the people, may they be well, may they be happy, may they be liberated, may they be free. Not forced wishes, just wishes. Then an om.

 

Meditation Journal – Day 29

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Vipassana Meditation Day 29

am 1 hr

The cave floor had become a little uncomfortable at some point in the past, so clay had been brought in to smooth it out, filling in the lower parts, cracks and grooves, and rounding off the craggy points. I’d gotten used to this smoother floor but forgotten about what had been covered up and not knowing what the original floor was like. Was it really so uncomfortable, or was it what I’d put on it that made it so? Was it the floor that needed smoothing or to mask my own lumpy and messy accumulations? The artificial floor itself had gotten uncomfortable. A fine layer of straw and then linoleum and then carpet. Better and better carpets ended up being sickening in comfort, and still certain artefacts insisted in making uncomfy bumps or poking through the layers. Let’s peel it all off. Let’s not rip it up because that might damage the original floor, although I imagine it is tougher than I imagine it to be, or untouchable by what I do. But on the original floor, underneath the finery and clay, are tender spots, things I didn’t want to feel at the time, unfinished items not allowed to roll or be put away in the right place. So they lie where left and I’m gently lifting the rug, scraping the clay with the tool of vipassana and the fine brushes or awareness and equanimity, like the fine haired brushes used in archaeology.

Legs tensed, feet tensed, right arm shook. There was great fear and a general discomfort and tearfulness nearby.

pm 40 mins

Resistances are fighting back, with a few sittings recently at 40 minutes. Two planned that way but today, left leg dead and low in overall energy, I just quit it. Decided in a flash, not without some sort of disappointment, and not really with any relief as I know by now that nothing is really relieved or changed by quitting sitting. Just more opportunity to distract and continue the sort of game of living being played out in the 21st Century. And no doubt it’s not ever been any different over the ages. We are either aware in equanimity of the changing nature of existence (to put it in vipassana terms) or we are not. But it felt good to stop still even if I didn’t feel like it. And it feels fine to stop early. There’s no great shakes about it and I’m not under pressure from myself. Yet something of discipline is required else habit takes over and I’ll just hang about or get busy instead of sitting still. Discipline is not enforced but comes with interestedness and the understanding of what’s important.