Vipassana Meditation Day 29
am 1 hr
The cave floor had become a little uncomfortable at some point in the past, so clay had been brought in to smooth it out, filling in the lower parts, cracks and grooves, and rounding off the craggy points. I’d gotten used to this smoother floor but forgotten about what had been covered up and not knowing what the original floor was like. Was it really so uncomfortable, or was it what I’d put on it that made it so? Was it the floor that needed smoothing or to mask my own lumpy and messy accumulations? The artificial floor itself had gotten uncomfortable. A fine layer of straw and then linoleum and then carpet. Better and better carpets ended up being sickening in comfort, and still certain artefacts insisted in making uncomfy bumps or poking through the layers. Let’s peel it all off. Let’s not rip it up because that might damage the original floor, although I imagine it is tougher than I imagine it to be, or untouchable by what I do. But on the original floor, underneath the finery and clay, are tender spots, things I didn’t want to feel at the time, unfinished items not allowed to roll or be put away in the right place. So they lie where left and I’m gently lifting the rug, scraping the clay with the tool of vipassana and the fine brushes or awareness and equanimity, like the fine haired brushes used in archaeology.
Legs tensed, feet tensed, right arm shook. There was great fear and a general discomfort and tearfulness nearby.
pm 40 mins
Resistances are fighting back, with a few sittings recently at 40 minutes. Two planned that way but today, left leg dead and low in overall energy, I just quit it. Decided in a flash, not without some sort of disappointment, and not really with any relief as I know by now that nothing is really relieved or changed by quitting sitting. Just more opportunity to distract and continue the sort of game of living being played out in the 21st Century. And no doubt it’s not ever been any different over the ages. We are either aware in equanimity of the changing nature of existence (to put it in vipassana terms) or we are not. But it felt good to stop still even if I didn’t feel like it. And it feels fine to stop early. There’s no great shakes about it and I’m not under pressure from myself. Yet something of discipline is required else habit takes over and I’ll just hang about or get busy instead of sitting still. Discipline is not enforced but comes with interestedness and the understanding of what’s important.