Oh, an old body moving in strange ways early in the morning. Sometimes it seems easier not to bother at all, especially a couple of mornings after ice skating, my legs all heavy and needing to be clunked into position or lifted. Today I feel like an old creaky man. Week five is shoulder stands and handstands. I guess because it’s a home practice book he is replacing headstand with handstand so people don’t do wrong things with their necks. It’s a good week; I enjoy being upside down, and it’s also hard work, in as gentle a way as possible.
Yoga
Week 4 – Moving Toward Balance
After week 3’s backbends with accompanying energy raising, week 4 was altogether more calming, steadying and relaxing. The focus was on twists, learning reclined twists, kneeling, crossed-legged, open body and cross-body. I like twists. You stop, you breath, subtle changes happen, relaxing muscles not sensed in daily life or in other poses. Called Allowing Receptivity, I am not sure how much receptivity was allowed but I very much enjoyed the week. The hour in the early morning is fast becoming my favourite time of the day. Next week is upside downers: Facing the Unknown. So, half way through, and then I move on to the Kripalu book so I can make an informed application to their teacher training course next year.
A bright autumn day; so many leaves fell in two days. Blankets of warm colours, ready to become soil. Seeing both my two brothers this afternoon (with girlfriends), which will be the first time in three years for us all to be together.
End of Week Three
Week three is a bit uneven, both the schedule in the book and my own participation. I was so tired Wednesday morning that I skipped a day, meaning Saturday’s rest day becomes Friday’s relaxation session. Also, day two is packed – 28 postures- so it takes well over an hour whereas the rest of the week is under an hour per day. Not sure why Rodney made of so uneven. Makes it hard when you have to go to work; you tend to rush to be on time. Overall though it’s a great book so far.
So much energy this week, all the backbends opening up. Quite a few nights with just a few hours sleep.
Spine and chest
I can almost trace the entire length of the spine now, when sitting quietly. There have been gaps previously, areas I cannot feel, like mid lower back and the very middle of the back. When standing, the sway of the low back is much lessened and I fell taller. Also my chest feels open, broad, free; easier breathing, fuller, but less breathing from my nose and head, more from the belly or diaphram. Changes changes.
My new (to me) FS11 camcorder arrives today; a barely used half price bargain. Expect strange videos soon.
A bright frosty autumn gold morning.
Moving Toward Balance – Week 3
Week three of the course is called Opening Into Vulnerability. This week’s focus is backbends and my back is getting a thorough workout. Lots of energy around the solar plexus and heart, a nervousness that feels terrible and great. It’s what I need to feel and it’s right there to touch. My hips feel flexible and open. Sleeping less; more alert. I’m appreciating the return to GMT and lighter mornings.
Moving Toward Balance – Week 2
Day 4 of week 2 and it’s pretty full on. Not so much the practices but the relentlessness of it. Normally I would be stopped by now, the four or five days then a good break if at least that length. But here I am, getting up an hour earlier each morning to stretch in all directions. Today the focus was on upward dog, learning the right position not to strain the lower back. It feels good this course. What I need, and taking me beyond my normal normality.
Moving Toward Balance – Week 2
The tendency is to keep on moving in the same way. After an escapist Saturday in bed I wanted to carry on with the same behaviour of checking facebook, playing with blog widgets, browsing, watching videos and maybe another movie. The beginning of week two was in the way. But once you roll the mat out and begin reading and then stretching, slowly that changes and the connection with breathing, moving, strengthens. By the end of it, all the fizzy escapism seems rather unecessary. I am not sure it even works, just shifts things round inside so they don’t seem too bad. And also to try to cover up lonliness and disconnection. So I guess it works in a disguising way only. Of course the brain keeps moving even when doing something more basic like yoga, but there is far more possibility for awreness of what’s going on.
Week two introduces the sun salutation in individual postures and today twice put them all together. Also some nice rejuvinating relaxations and sittings at the end.
First iPod Post
This is my first post from my new iPod Touch which arrived today all shiny and gorgeous. I downloaded the WordPress app which seems to work pretty good. There’s some great features, not least the text entry.
But otherwise it was a grim day, waking up after extreme jealousy dreams with a headache, sore throat and wisdom teeth, gums and jaw aching. My wisdom teeth continue their evolution when I’m doing some proper yoga.
I began last Sunday Rodney Yee’s Moving Towards Balance, which is an 8 week course over 6 days per week. I’ve really liked it but the four day thing happened again. Which basically means I start to feel stirred up, angry, resentful, emotional, and that things are getting worse not better. But I am going to definitely see it through the whole book, no matter what. Last time I made it to week 4.
The start stop yoga of the last, what, 13 years really does have to change as it’s getting a bit silly. I mean, what is the problem with feelings? Easy to ask after a day laid up on bed sleeping and entertaining myself. The important thing is to do it without force and without violence that I must do it. I want to, and I know it will be hard.
Element Beginners Yoga
My latest home class has been courtesy of the Element Beginners Yoga DVD, led by Elena Brower. I normally resist these ‘keep moving at all times’ dynamic style classes because I’ve found it hard to keep connected to the breath and body while switching from pose to pose to pose. This one is different. Yes, it raises energy but in a careful manner, and enough small pauses and quietening poses to balance it out.
The instructor is like some kind of Italian goddess, looking tall, strong, elegant. I love the way she reminds me to smile often throughout the 50 minutes routine. I’m not sure of the style of yoga, what it’s called or the lineage, nor do I care, as long as it feels good. I’ve been really loving the ‘return to the land of the living’
Sickness
A lingering sickness, one week now, a nausea close-by, muscles heavy and weak, digestion bubbling, farting, too loose. Spaced mind, sometimes not knowing quite where I am. Taking it easy, gently, but still stretching. I cannot stay this side of the sickness. More open to talking of my past, more open to how I’m feeling.
Stress Relief
This morning I followed a video from Yoga Zone. If the New Zealand video was gay yoga this is definitely hot LA woman yoga. It’s led by a German-sounding guy with two leotarded yoga instructors demonstrating. It’s called Stress Relief and Conditioning. Relief. Evaporation. Release. Opening. Unwinding. It’s a little exertive at some points but generally these words are what it’s about. Since yesterday I have also been sitting still for 10-15 mins twice a day. At the end of yoga and after work in the evening sun. Breathing is key to stress relief. It becomes very apparent when breathing fully is forced. To investigate a natural breath as I stretch. Awareness of breathing, awareness of stress and tension, leads to new possibility. Awareness is not tense. Watching is tense. A little snoring during lie down.
Swimming and yoga
I’m always heavier the morning after a swim (or surf) session, muscles a bit worn and stiff. This makes me reluctant to stretch although it is actually what I need, to elongate and stretch out the physical work of yesterday.
Grumpy on waking I didn’t want to do anything, including go back to sleep, rebelling against my life and its contents. Fed up with the whole thing. This fed up combined with natural awareness leads to understanding that all the things outwardly and inwardly will not satisfy. I can plot and plan and design a life that should lead to contentment and happiness, think about ‘good things’ but it is all clunky old thinking, clutching at straws and going back round the loop.
It’s another warm day. The pool at the school is being filled after Francisco and Julia painted it yesterday. I am going to check the outdoor pool in Petersfield; maybe go over the weekend.
Peace
One month later
One month later and it’s summer. The snow a freak dream of late spring. The sun wakes me in the mornings, pheasants and ducks in the garden, a sqwark and that half-quacky thing ducks do. Bright days, shorts and t-shirts.
The latest yoga video is from yoga.org.nz and I’ve been following it for five days straight. Not following, exactly, but working with it. I called it ‘gay yoga’ at first – two buff guys in shorts sitting together showing the poses. Gay or not, it’s a very good routine, strengthening and opening. My arms look like I’ve just been on a surf trip and the tensions in my neck are dropping away, everything changing. The narrators sound like the yogic Flight of the Conchords, that deadpan monotone understated New Zealand speak. I like it; there’s nothing to get annoyed about like most yoga videos.
Before the squence there is a cool section explaining yoga practice by dropping blue ink drops into a bowl of water. There is no noticeable effect at first, even after a week, After a month the bowl is light blue and after a year a deep blue. I am not sure what deep blue equates to… enthused by prana perhaps.
Lots of energy for insights and revelations these life-affirming days.
Daydreamy Habits
I am playing with a few different videos I downloaded. Today, a half hour session from SpiritWithin studios, from 2001. Like most of these recordings, it seems kind of rushed. I am just getting into feeling the pose when she moves on to the next. Maybe if you follow it a few times you get into the same flow as the teacher. This highlights the obvious need to go at one’s own pace. Except, sometimes it is good to go with another’s pace, to see what that’s like, to break with your daydreamy habits. I am going to try all the videos I’ve downloaded, just to explore. The best so far is the Basic Yoga for Dummies. A really gentle pace (apart from the end relaxation) and simple instructions. Yesterday, I came across Dru Yoga. I have ordered their DVD, with sequences for morning, noon and evening. Yoga isn’t to be ghettoised into a slot in the morning then forgotten about.
To Continue
Whatever might be happening, I am carrying on with the ‘practice’. I am not sure what practice means, but it’s not just a fair weather thing, sitting still, relaxing, yoga stretches. Today very stiff and tight after yesterday’s hour and a half surfing then later a kilometer swim. I wanted to wallow in tiredness and lie in but so glad to gently stretch and then spend some time relaxing. I want to keep moving though, because of what’s happening in my life – breaking up is hard to do. It’s not breaking up – there’s nothing to break. So, to continue. We don’t know where.
Enabling Yoga
There was someone I was to meet. I’d arrived at an apartment, up in the
hills, expensive. A family next door had a little house and each of the
bedrooms were another cabin, nestled in the hillside. I never met the
person but it felt great to be there. There were many others and they
all knew what to do. Even though I didn’t know what to do I felt
welcome. I never met who I was to meet.
What changed with my yoga routine?
- Shower in the evening – means I don’t have to get up so early.
- Eat breakfast at work while reading the morning emails – means I
can get up at ten to seven and still have a 50 min stretch and a 40 min
relax. - Find a book/video that isn’t too progressive, is nurturing and safe – I use Basic Yoga For Dummies.
- Feel safe, that nothing is going to happen
- Feel that you fundamentally want to do this, and enjoy it.
Connecting with the body
I’ve been settling into a fairly routine yoga practice, seeing if I can get up each workday early enough for 50 mins or so of stretching. This last week I added a longer relaxation at the end, first 30 mins which wasn’t enough so now it’s up to 40. I need that amount of time to go through all the main parts of the body: I relax my toes, I relax my toes, the toes are relaxed, over the course of three breaths. By the end it is it very apparent where the tensions are, the stiffness, and also those parts I try to avoid. Also I am left with the curious notion of ‘relaxing the relaxer’. Who’s relaxing who? The real connection and contact comes when I stay with the part of the body for the three breaths without moving to the next or skipping off into thinking about something, or some little dream. Around the shoulders and neck this happens often, and that is where I am tightest. The lower back too, although this is getting easier. Actually, no part of the body I entirely stayed with today, being a little sleepy. My response to the alarm clock was: Oh, it’s Wednesday, midweek, it would be symmetrical to rest in bed today, sleep an hour and a half more. This is easy to do, any excuse, and this is what I’ve been doing for much of 10+ years, skipping days, weeks, months. The gentle aim is to establish a regular weekday practice.
Falling Awake 