121121 Meditation Journal

am

Surges of ecstasy, lingering deep fatigue, facial tension, back arching forward, right arm rubbing the thigh like a spastic Vic Reeves over and over. One scan up and down and then the body took over. Resistences in the mind obvious, then back to equanimity, through the pleasurable and the tighter sensations. Leaving it alone, in awareness, increases the sensation and allows fuller if not fullest expression. All the while the sitting, the sitting, a constant through all manner of strangeness, a strangeness underpinned with total familiarity. RSI in right arm is undoing, wrist and upper arm freeing up. Afterwards: very tired. Lying down before work.

pm

Buzzy from a long afternoon at work in front of the screen. Standard resistence to stopping once I was home; the norm is to carry on until sleep. And now the novelty is starting to wear off, the inner desire to find out, to continue the experiment, got me sat down again. There really isn’t an option though. Gentle breathing for ten minutes, then scanning part by part. No major sensations. Feet tightened then moved. Towards the very end, third time round to the right side knot somewhere below the shoulder blade (has it moved from the spine?), the right arm trembled but didn’t move far, and back arched forward for a while. Part of my mind taunting: you can’t do this, you will fail, you’re going to stop this any second, any day soon. Some temptation to join in the fight back, to protest, but didn’t, kept still, watchful to all of it, all over the place.

121120 Meditation Journal

am

Very tired. First ten minutes, mind dreaming of this and that, with some awareness of breath going on, but not ongoing. Eventually came to be able to move through the body in large sections. A couple of times lapsed into sleep or half sleep and the right arm was trembling and shaking for a little while. Looked at the watch: only half way through. Some despair if I’ll be able to continue. Somewhere some calmness keeping me on the cushion, it’s OK, it’s OK. This deep fatigue and tension and trouble I’ve lived with, right there with me on the cushion, normally ignored or kept at bay while I muddle on through, hoping hoping for some kind of change, or a good day extending into all other days – hoping rather than doing much about it: some yoga, some casual sitting or lying. Again, the feeling that this is really the real deal.

pm

After work. With MP3 download of one hour session with Goenka chanting at start, brief instructions and loving kindness/chanting to finish off. This meant less than an hour’s actual vipassana in silence. Which is less daunting although perhaps a little disappointing. Spiritual materialism: flat mat arrived from Blue Banyan, so now I have my little sitting space set up just right. Quality mat.

Thoughts from work: unfinished business and some conversations replaying. Made it down to the feet, the flexing and pointing of both feet continued, but more so in right foot, and to less extent. Some holding at the point of perfect tension. Again less tense than previously. Forehead scrunching, strong tension around centre, in the main muscle, seemingly at the back nearer the bone. Painful. General tightness in shoulders and neck, which I could feel building during the work day, my first in nearly two weeks. Really appreciated the time given to this instead of flitting about online or wherever, and not reluctant or scared to sit down. Maybe the slight gimmick of the recording and new mat helped. But it seems sustainable, this practice, helped by my inherent unforced interest in the internal world, without which I dedication to practice would have to be by sheer will.

121119 Meditation Journal

am

First day after the ten-day course and time to begin my home practice. I felt the usual resistances beforehand, same when about to do yoga and the shorter sittings I used to do. But the genuine wanting to do this allowed it to happen and so the excuses didn’t win out. So on waking and after a quick wash, wrapped in a blanket, I sat down in the corner of the room by the window and radiator. At first I just sat there, not really knowing what to do and then the subtle feeling of the technique of breath sensation came back to me and I was somewhat agitatedly and distractedly aware of this for a few minutes. As I settled in I was able to proceed with the vipassana sensing of the body from head to foot and from foot to head, but only moving part by part, not really scanning or flowing over the body. But this was good enough: here I was, at home, dedicating myself to an hour’s sitting. Unprecedented.  It felt right. As per the instructions, I have been working with the gross sensations and blind spots rather than the subtle. Most recently this has been in the arches of the foot, and so after half an hour or so of scanning, my feet started to twitch and move. There’s only so much pain the body allows for and so the extreme tightening I felt through the legs neck and jaw doesn’t happen with the feet, where the sharp cramping sensation threatens to be overwhelming, so instead the feet flex and extend somewhat rhythmically. I’m not doing this consciously; the body or the unconscious mind is doing it. The toes, however, can fully tense for minutes at a time without the searing agony of the arches. This takes place in the context of equanimity and awareness, with the notion that everything changes.

At around 45 min, I really wanted to stop. Experience shows that if I don’t stop, something interesting will happen. This time, suddenly my right upper jaw lifted and the right cheek went into tension, the right side of the face ever so slowly moving, spreading tension sensation through the entire right cheek and upper jaw. This didn’t last so long. Looking at my watch, I had 5 minutess remaining and so returned to simple breath awareness and repeated those parts of the lovingkindness meditation I could remember, centring at the heart.

pm

Five minutes anapana after yoga class.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – How to sit

Extracts from Chapter Six:

The practice of meditation has been going on for several thousand years. That is quite a bit of time for experimentation, and the procedure has been very, very thoroughly refined. Buddhist practice has always recognized that the mind and body are tightly linked and that each influences the other. Thus there are certain recommended physical practices which will greatly assist you to master your skill. And these practices should be followed. Keep in mind, however, that these postures are practice aids. Don’t confuse the two. Meditation does not mean sitting in the lotus position.

The most essential thing is to sit with your back straight. The spine should be erect with the spinal vertebrae like a stack of coins, one on top of the other. Your head should be held in line with the rest of the spine. All of this is done in a relaxed manner. No Stiffness. You are not a wooden soldier, and there is no drill sergeant. There should be no muscular tension involved in keeping the back straight. Sit light and easy. … This is going to require a bit of experimentation on your part. We generally sit in tight, guarded postures when we are walking or talking and in sprawling postures when we are relaxing. Neither of those will do. But they are cultural habits and they can be re-learned.

Don’t tighten your neck muscles. Relax your arms. Your diaphragm is held relaxed, expanded to maximum fullness. Don’t let tension build up in the stomach area. Your chin is up. Your eyes can be open or closed. If you keep them open, fix them on the tip of your nose or in the middle distance straight in front. You are not looking at anything. You are just putting your eyes in some arbitrary direction where there is nothing in particular to see, so that you can forget about vision. Don’t strain. Don’t stiffen and don’t be rigid. Relax; let the body be natural and supple. Let it hang from the erect spine like a rag doll.

You want to achieve a state of complete physical stillness, yet you don’t want to fall asleep. Recall the analogy of the muddy water. You want to promote a totally settled state of the body which will engender a corresponding mental settling. There must also be a state of physical alertness which can induce the kind of mental clarity you seek. So experiment. Your body is a tool for creating desired mental states. Use it judiciously.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – 100% honesty with ourselves

Extracts from Chapter Five:

Mindfulness is our emergency kit, readily available at our service at any time. When we face a situation where we feel indignation, if we mindfully investigate our own mind, we will discover bitter truths in ourselves. That is we are selfish; we are egocentric; we are attached to our ego; we hold on to our opinions; we think we are right and everybody else is wrong; we are prejudices; we are biased; and at the bottom of all of this, we do not really love ourselves. This discovery, though bitter, is a most rewarding experience. And in the long run, this discovery delivers us from deeply rooted psychological and spiritual suffering.

Mindfulness practice is the practice of one hundred percent honesty with ourselves.

We all have blind spots. The other person is our mirror for us to see our faults with wisdom. We should consider the person who shows our shortcomings as one who excavates a hidden treasure in us that we were unaware of.

It is not the Vipassana meditator’s goal to become enlightened before other people or to have more power or to make more profit than others, for mindfulness meditators are not in competition with each other.

Our goal is to reach the perfection of all the noble and wholesome qualities latent in our subconscious mind. This goal has five elements to it: Purification of mind, overcoming sorrow and lamentation, overcoming pain and grief, treading the right path leading to attainment of eternal peace, and attaining happiness by following that path.

Once you sit, do not change the position again until the end of the time you determined at the beginning. Suppose you change your original position because it is uncomfortable, and assume another position. What happens after a while is that the new position becomes uncomfortable. Then you want another and after a while, it too becomes uncomfortable. So you may go on shifting, moving, changing one position to another the whole time you are on your mediation cushion and you may not gain a deep and meaningful level of concentration. Therefore, do not change your original position, no matter how painful it is.

[the] moment we try to pay bare attention to is the present moment. Our mind goes through a series of events like a series of pictures passing through a projector. Some of these pictures are coming from our past experiences and others are our imaginations of things that we plan to do in the future.

As you continue your practice you mind and body becomes so light that you may feel as if you are floating in the air or on water. You may even feel that your body is springing up into the sky. When the grossness of your in-and-out breathing has ceased, subtle in-and-out breathing arises. This very subtle breath is your objective focus of the mind.

As your mindfulness develops, your resentment for the change, your dislike for the unpleasant experiences, your greet for the pleasant experiences and the notion of self hood will be replaced by the deeper insight of impermanence, unsatisfactoriness and selflessness. This knowledge of reality in your experience helps you to foster a more calm, peaceful and mature attitude towards your life.

The expansion and contraction of the abdomen, lower abdomen and chest are parts of the universal rhythm. Everything in the universe has the same rhythm of expansion and contraction just like our breath and body.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – Attitude toward meditation

Extracts from Chapter Four:

Don’t expect anything. Just sit back and see what happens. Treat the whole thing as an experiment. … Meditative awareness seeks to see reality exactly as it is.

Don’t strain: Don’t force anything or make grand exaggerated efforts. Meditation is not aggressive. There is no violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady.

Don’t rush: There is no hurry, so take you time. Settle yourself on a cushion and sit as though you have a whole day.

Don’t cling to anything and don’t reject anything: Let come what comes and accommodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too.

Let go: Learn to flow with all the changes that come up. Loosen up and relax.

Accept everything that arises: Accept your feelings, even the ones you wish you did not have.

Be gentle with yourself: Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you are all you’ve got to work with.

Investigate yourself: Question everything. Take nothing for granted. Don’t believe anything because it sounds wise and pious and some holy men said it. See for yourself. That does not mean that you should be cynical, impudent or irreverent. It means you should be empirical. … The entire practice hinges upon the desire to be awake to the truth. Without it, the practice is superficial.

View all problems as challenges: Look upon negatives that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow

Don’t ponder: You don’t need to figure everything out. Discursive thinking won’t free you from the trap. In mediation, the mind is purified naturally by mindfulness, by wordless bare attention. … Don’t think. See.

Don’t dwell upon contrasts: Differences do exist between people, but dwelling upon then is a dangerous process. Unless carefully handled, it leads directly to egotism.

 

 

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – The label of ‘me’

Extracts from Chapter Three:

Vipassana is a gentle technique. But it also is very , very thorough. It is an ancient and codified system of sensitivity training, a set of exercises dedicated to becoming more and more receptive to your own life experience. It is attentive listening, total seeing and careful testing.

The object of Vipassana practice is to learn to pay attention. We think we are doing this already, but that is an illusion. It comes from the fact that we are paying so little attention to the ongoing surge of our own life experiences that we might just as well be asleep. We are simply not paying enough attention to notice that we are not paying attention.

“Never mind what I have been taught. Forget about theories and prejudgments and stereotypes. I want to understand the true nature of life. I want to know what this experience of being alive really is. I want to apprehend the true and deepest qualities of life, and I don’t want to just accept somebody else’s explanation. I want to see it for myself.” If you pursue your meditation practice with this attitude, you will succeed. You’ll find yourself observing things objectively, exactly as they are–flowing and changing from moment to moment. Life then takes on an unbelievable richness which cannot be described.

When you relax your driving desire for comfort, real fulfillment arises. When you drop your hectic pursuit of gratification, the real beauty of life comes out. When you seek to know the reality without illusion, complete with all its pain and danger, that is when real freedom and security are yours. This is not some doctrine we are trying to drill into you. This is an observable reality, a thing you can and should see for yourself.

We worry a lot. Worry itself is the problem. Worry is a process. It has steps. Anxiety is not just a state of existence but a procedure. What you’ve got to do is to look at the very beginning of that procedure, those initial stages before the process has built up a head of steam. The very first link of the worry chain is the grasping/rejecting reaction. As soon as some phenomenon pops into the mind, we try mentally to grab onto it or push it away. That sets the worry response in motion. Luckily, there is a handy little tool called Vipassana meditation which you can use to short-circuit the whole mechanism.

A close inspection reveals that we have done the same thing to ‘me’ that we have done to all other perceptions. We have taken a flowing vortex of thought, feeling and sensation and we have solidified that into a mental construct. Then we have stuck a label onto it, ‘me’. And forever after, we threat it as if it were a static and enduring entity. We view it as a thing separate from all other things. We pinch ourselves off from the rest of that process of eternal change which is the universe. And than we grieve over how lonely we feel. We ignore our inherent connectedness to all other beings and we decide that ‘I’ have to get more for ‘me’; then we marvel at how greedy and insensitive human beings are. And on it goes. Every evil deed, every example of heartlessness in the world stems directly from this false sense of ‘me’ as distinct from all else that is out there.

Vipassana meditation more than anything else is learning to live.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – “What is there is there”

Extracts from Chapter Two:

The goal is awareness, an awareness so intense, concentrated and finely tuned that you will be able to pierce the inner workings of reality itself.

Meditation procedures stress concentration of the mind, bringing the mind to rest on one item or one area of thought. Do it strongly and thoroughly enough, and you achieve a deep and blissful relaxation which is called Jhana. It is a state of such supreme tranquility that it amounts to rapture. It is a form of pleasure which lies above and beyond anything that can be experienced in the normal state of consciousness. Most systems stop right there. That is the goal, and when you attain that, you simply repeat the experience for the rest of your life. Not so with Vipassana meditation. Vipassana seeks another goal–awareness.

You understand how to walk. You probably can’t describe the exact order in which your nerve fibers and your muscles contract during that process. But you can do it. Meditation needs to be understood that same way, by doing it. It is not something that you can learn in abstract terms. It is to be experienced.

Meditate and you will probably dredge up various nasty-matters from your past. The suppressed material that has been buried there for quite some time can be scary. It is also highly profitable. No activity is entirely without risk, but that does not mean that we should wrap ourselves in some protective cocoon. That is not living. That is premature death.

Meditation teaches you how to disentangle yourself from the thought process. It is the mental art of stepping out of your own way, and that’s a pretty useful skill in everyday life. Meditation is certainly not some irrelevant practice strictly for ascetics and hermits. It is a practical skill that focuses on everyday events and has immediate application in everybody’s life. Meditation is not other-worldly.

Meditation is running into reality. It does not insulate you from the pain of life. It allows you to delve so deeply into life and all its aspects that you pierce the pain barrier and you go beyond suffering. Vipassana is a practice done with the specific intention of facing reality, to fully experience life just as it is and to cope with exactly what you find. It allows you to blow aside the illusions and to free yourself from all those polite little lies you tell yourself all the time. What is there is there.

The meditator is actively engaged in the process of getting rid of greed, tension and insensitivity. Those are the very items which obstruct his compassion for others. Until they are gone, any good works that he does are likely to be just an extension of his own ego and of no real help in the long run. Harm in the name of help is one of the oldest games.

Cleansing yourself of selfishness is not a selfish activity.

If you learn nothing else from meditation, you will learn patience. And that is the most valuable lesson available.

Mindfulness In Plain English – Henepola Gunaratana – “You are a mess”

Extracts from Chapter One:

Buddhism as a whole is quite different from the theological religions with which Westerners are most familiar. It is a direct entrance to a spiritual or divine realm without addressing deities or other ‘agents’. Its flavor is intensely clinical, much more akin to what we would call psychology than to what we would usually call religion. It is an ever-ongoing investigation of reality, a microscopic examination of the very process of perception. Its intention is to pick apart the screen of lies and delusions through which we normally view the world, and thus to reveal the face of ultimate reality. Vipassana meditation is an ancient and elegant technique for doing just that.

Meditation is not easy. It takes time and it takes energy. It also takes grit, determination and discipline. It requires a host of personal qualities which we normally regard as unpleasant and which we like to avoid whenever possible. We can sum it all up in the American word ‘gumption’. Meditation takes ‘gumption’. It is certainly a great deal easier just to kick back and watch television. So why bother? Why waste all that time and energy when you could be out enjoying yourself? Why bother? Simple. Because you are human. And just because of the simple fact that you are human, you find yourself heir to an inherent unsatisfactoriness in life which simply will not go away. You can suppress it from your awareness for a time. You can distract yourself for hours on end, but it always comes back–usually when you least expect it.

You suddenly realize that you are spending your whole life just barely getting by. You keep up a good front. You manage to make ends meed somehow and look OK from the outside. But those periods of desperation, those times when you feel everything caving in on you, you keep those to yourself. You are a mess. And you know it. But you hide it beautifully. you hide it beautifully. Meanwhile, way down under all that you just know there has got be some other way to live, some better way to look at the world, some way to touch life more fully. You click into it by chance now and then. You get a good job. You fall in love. You win the game. and for a while, things are different. Life takes on a richness and clarity that makes all the bad times and humdrum fade away. The whole texture of your experience changes and you say to yourself, “OK, now I’ve made it; now I will be happy”. But then that fades, too, like smoke in the wind. You are left with just a memory. That and a vague awareness that something is wrong.

Go to a party. Listen to the laughter, that brittle-tongued voice that says fun on the surface and fear underneath. Feel the tension, feel the pressure. Nobody really relaxes. They are faking it.

At first glance this seems exceedingly morbid and pessimistic. It even seems untrue. After all, there are plenty of times when we are happy. Aren’t there? No, there are not. It just seems that way. Take any moment when you feel really fulfilled and examine it closely. Down under the joy, you will find that subtle, all-pervasive undercurrent of tension, that no matter how great the moment is, it is going to end. No matter how much you just gained, you are either going to lose some of it or spend the rest of your days guarding what you have got and scheming how to get more. And in the end, you are going to die. In the end, you lose everything. It is all transitory.

You can’t make radical changes in the pattern of your life until you begin to see yourself exactly as you are now. As soon as you do that, changes flow naturally. You don’t have to force or struggle or obey rules dictated to you by some authority. You just change. It is automatic. But arriving at the initial insight is quite a task. You’ve got to see who you are and how you are, without illusion, judgement or resistance of any kind. You’ve got to see your own place in society and your function as a social being. You’ve got to see your duties and obligations to your fellow human beings, and above all, your responsibility to yourself as an individual living with other individuals. And you’ve got to see all of that clearly and as a unit, a single gestalt of interrelationship. It sounds complex, but it often occurs in a single instant.

The purpose of meditation is personal transformation. The you that goes in one side of the meditation experience is not the same you that comes out the other side. It changes your character by a process of sensitization, by making you deeply aware of your own thoughts, word, and deeds. Your arrogance evaporated and your antagonism dries up. Your mind becomes still and calm. And your life smoothes out. Thus meditation properly performed prepares you to meet the ups and down of existence. It reduces your tension, your fear, and your worry. Restlessness recedes and passion moderates. Things begin to fall into place and your life becomes a glide instead of a struggle. All of this happens through understanding.

There is only one way you will ever know if meditation is worth the effort. Learn to do it right, and do it. See for yourself.

First week of meditation

For the last week, since the retreat in Kent, I’ve been sitting quietly for 20 minutes twice a day. The first session after yoga asana in the mornings and then again early evening, after work on a week day. The effects have been quite strong already. A twice daily exploration of consciousness, with a natural shedding of the irrelevant or unnecessary, without choice of what is relevant and necessary. Many times, from nowhere, an overwhelming bliss. Many times, an incredible build up of energy, either in the head, heart or around the base of the spine. Through the day I seem to have greater capacity for thinking and more clarity in general, with an underlying calmness as I go about my usual activities. It’s not always easy, the rough rides with thought, efforts, desire, feeling every tension, every restriction and tightness. Without feeling these, it’s unlikely they will be understood or released. Just before, I do a few rounds of alternate nostril breathing, a simple, balancing pranayama.

To sit quietly (124/365)



To sit quietly (124/365), originally uploaded by :Duncan.

Once a day. Twice a day is harder. And yet it’s becoming the most treasured part of the day. To do nothing. To sit. To see what’s happening. To see what you are up to now. To see what’s what. Things happen in that quiet. The brain can relax a little. The body too. Moment after a moment, nothing much. A mild surprise: what, I don’t have to do anything? What, nothing to plan for, go over, worry about? And then next moment there is planning, then there is worrying. And yet then there is just you again. Still sitting there.

Sit Down, Open Up

Without turning it into a Major Series, I am sitting still every day for one (or two) periods of 20 minutes. Twenty minutes is do-able, not too off-putting, and doesn’t require any shifting around of anything else I want to do.

Why sit still? I don’t really know, except that the only thing I never do is to do nothing. And of course when I am sitting still I am still doing something, namely thinking and sitting. But the body is still and so it is more apparent that the mind is not. And a still mind is not the goal or aim.

Yesterday, day 1, was a doddle. I felt I didn’t want to sit but I also wanted to more than anything. I was in running mode, my standard mode for, oh, a couple of decades and more. Afterwards was the clear knowledge that I didn’t need to run, that there was nothing waiting for me within if I stop a while.

Today, straight after work, within a few seconds massive intensity across the forehead, into the eyebrows, an intense ache. So the question: am I doing this to my face? And it seems I wasn’t, but there it was, the tension tightening up my forehead, eyebrows, then nose, and acute pain into the lips even, all screwed up. Quite literally. The vanity kicks in: you can’t let your face do this! Even the old: what if the wind changes, you’ll be stuck like this! But vanity doesn’t know shit and if this tension is there and continues, it’s going to instruct the face to look that way. That’s what tension does. It’s tense, caught up, uptight, and so are we.

This tightening continued for about 15 of the 20 minutes and then it left as suddenly as it came, leaving tingling skin and hundred of facial muscles softening.

Sit down and shut up
Sit down and open up

Thought

So you are thinking, or,  there is thought, doing its ahead and behind thing, going over the past, planning ahead. Then you realise this and there’s a resistance, as if thought is bad somehow. The tendency then is to stay in that slightly guilty feeling for a while, thought having been stepped upon by the ‘no, you shouldn’t be thinking.’ So the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’ feeling is the master for a while, but thought will come back somehow. That’s the tendency.

How about continuing to think despite the feeling that you shouldn’t be thinking? Then you get a much more interesting situation, a game, a play between the two thoughts, more equal. The original thought cannot exactly do what it would do without the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’, and the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’ doesn’t get it’s victorious (if slightly guilty and violent) residential.

Then something new can happen because the thought won’t ‘come up’ as it’s already up and the no won’t ‘no’ because it’s already ‘no-ing’, and the game will naturally cease after a time, allowing a fresh energy and understanding, awareness.

Thought does not ‘come up’. More like ‘drives in’, but the concept of feeling of it ‘entering something’ needs to be questioned. Just because it’s a common experience doesn’t make it true.