Meditation Journal – Day 27

Vipassana Meditation Day 27

am 1hr

This is where I usually quit, or turn back, or suspend, or run the fuck away. The sheer uncomfortableness of it is enough to make you think ‘this isn’t working’, try something else. But it is working in the sense that it’s led to a place deep anguish and stuckness, aches and pains ignored or hidden for year, emotions not finished, troubles unresolved. Wanting to shout, cry, wail, fall to the floor. But instead to sit still, nobly if seen from the outside, and tormented within. Uncomfortable in this body. How strange! Understanding that the practice isn’t causing this, but revealing it, and in non-reaction is allowing something different to happen. This time round.

pm 1hr

Wired, wired, wired. Which is fine-ish when at work, clicking, typing, scrolling, reading, organising, meeting. And then, not long after: so still, eyes closed, nothing to click, do, work out. Wired? Strung out maybe more like it. Some kind of internal bracing for some future event imagined from the past. No idea what it is but better protect myself, tighten up. Something might happen boy so ready yourself. I’m ready – look how ready I am, all tensed up and ready to spring! Probably ready to run. Or fight it. So is this primal, the good old fight or flight? Not really needed in today’s office and home environments, but there I am, ready for it. Include this feeling. Include the bracing, the readying, the buzzy wired feeling. Include it all. You can’t just hope it’s going away. It will fade but it’s not going away without some kind of understanding of what’s going on in direct perception.

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