Monday: rota, dialogue, sitting

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Started with love making, as we awoke, missing morning sitting today.

The last in the series of four K talks at the foundation, with some discussion afterwards: What s our reaction? Why do we watch? What are we aiming for? Is there a judgement in our stating ‘the world is in conflict’? etc etc.  A French visitor joining us, pushing the ‘back to nature’ solution to our humankind woes.

Lunch with Dave, Maya, Valatin, people I don’t normally mix with. Talking about what classical music means, and stuff, still buzzing from the dialogue before. My first rota of the year; lots of new students learning the ways. It’s learn as you go with rota.

Sleep. Back to work. Typed the interview with Mary Z Jerome wants for the 20th anniversary booklet. Donna found 800 Swiss francs among the stuff to send to Frances who is staying in Ojai. Eyes sore from too much computers, not enough resting them during the day. Will get another countdown clock to remind me to take breaks at work.

Evening sitting in too-cool quiet room. Initial resistance and catch up thoughts change to a sense of nowhere to go, to a sense of where am I, not location, but sense of self, into thoughts, bam! back to ‘me’ again with a release of energy as wandering stops, into noticing subtle thoughts continue even when apparently ‘not thinking’. That half hour is the most interesting of the day.

Sunday, West Meon

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West Meon cricket team, last match of season, originally uploaded by :Duncan.

James, Deane, Mary and I walked down to West Meon in the overcast light of Sunday afternoon, ostensibly to watch Stanley’s last game of cricket for West Meon Thomas Lord team. None of us were interested in cricket but it was something to aim for in a walk. Stanley is front row, second from right. An Indian in a small Hampshire village. Judging by his bowling the team will miss him next year.

A strong sense of the odd ‘Sunday afternoon feeling’ I’ve often felt, around 1600. It’s a curious sensation of time slowing down, nothing happening in the world, everything as it should be, and slightly eery. Impossible to describe apart from that. Happened watching the cricket.

I kept missing the ‘action’. I found myself watching the villagers and their ways.

Day X

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I am going to write more generally, including experiences when sitting, and some photos.

I made a new rule today which was that at weekends I only sit for the morning session. On lying in bed this evening, watching a chain of partial programmes on TV, ending with Jack Osbourne, I was inspired to break that rule, and sit again this evening, listening to a new CD I bought called Guided Meditations by someone called Bodhipaksa.

I was surprised and slightly disappointed that he has a Scottish accent. But a very gentle voice, taking one though vision, to counting breaths, to relaxing and expansion, to sensing the air, to feeling the whole breath. Maybe not in that order.

I felt I was ‘cheating’ somewhat, not doing it by myself in silence, but after most of the day alone, I felt like ‘being with someone’. Hence all the TV watching, (including a jump through of Death Proof, which seemed to be talking, cars, talking, cars. It’s a trick way not to feel alone.

The TV was all types of shit: X Factor auditions, Top Gear, Millionaire, some TV show countdowns and Adreniline Junky, in which Jack and his some teenagers spent time at some kind of Shaolin trining camp. I’d like to do something like that, some strict discipline, learning about myself and stretching my abilities.

This morning: internet, sitting out in the field on my camping chair, in the morning sun, Krishnamurti with the Foundation (2 of a series of four we are watching). At the end Donna announced that she wants to ‘give it all up’ and go bake cookies and spend some time with her Grandchildren. I’m not sure what she wants to give up – some kind of struggling for something. We have our own hells.

This afternoon: Winchester, walking about, M&S salad in the cathedral grounds in the sun, looking at people, feeling like making connections but no idea how, Tesco, home for a sleep, before the TV evening, the end of which I write these words.

Feeling like I need to break through something, need to use my body more, need to shift stuck energy. We’ll see what happens next…

Day 4

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The ache has lifted today. This morning I was giggly and well. This evening I said to myself think whatever you would like to think, I am not going to steer. To my surprise I was then very quiet, not thinking about very much at all. I prefer this approach than the rather stern critical approach when thinking has gone too far and one jumps out of it, with a hit of condemnation. Who am I to condemn my thought? And why do I jump out of thought? Usually when it gets too uncomfortable. So it is an interesting game I play, when sitting all alone. And the rest of the time I am not so different. Just busier. This evening, the excuses: oh, it’s Friday night, maybe the rule can be that I don’t have to do it on Fridays. But did it I did, because I want to. It seems relentless, this day after day, twice a day, but already it is entering the rest of my life, with clarity and stability.

Sometimes there is nowhere to go, and the dimension changes from linear thinking to another direction into itself or out of itself or both or neither. Those times seem entirely different to normal thinking times.

Day 3

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I am in pain. I feel it strongly. I suspected it was there, felt it often, but after three days and just 3 hours in total, it has come to the surface. When asked, I described it as an existential pain – it is a general pain, not something specific hurting. I am in pain. Sitting is the hardest thing one can do, for sure.

Day 2

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Yesterday went so smoothly compared to today. Why is sitting still the hardest thing to do? How long have I been on the run? It seems like forever. Today I was reluctant to sit, easier to just carry on with a normal day. But sit I did, and sit I will continue to do, no matter what. It has to be done whatever the weather. Stormy days are no excuse. I am not being tough about it, just stating what is necessary. Quite why it is necessary I am not sure. I don’t know what will happen, but I feel like it is the most important thing to do in this day and age, just to stop for a while each day and see what I am up to. There seems to be an endless supply of ammunition for thinking – all these memories, all those image and films and TV and whatever else. Of course, it is not to remove all this somehow, but maybe to allow the usual reaction to have a conscious alternative. I don’t know, I’m making this up. My heard hurt in the evening sitting, intensity ant the front so that there was nothing to do but feel it. No choice.

Day 1

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I appreciated the space to just be with myself, no pressure to do anything, and no pressure not to think or to watch the breath or any other of those ‘meditation’ type activities. It is easy to feel the pressures I am putting on myself when still, and opportunity for them to release. It’s like there is a continual dream state going on under waking consciousness and it is revealed when I stop doing, and then, suddenly, a mysterious concern hidden a second ago is there before me and is over as quickly as it was realised, leaving a feeling of expansion and ease.

I am blessed to have a dedicated quiet room in the place where I work, so aim to use that as much as possible. Directly before and after work seem to be good times. That’s what I did today. It’s hard to remember all what happens, but I’ll attempt to communicate something of it.

Prelude

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Starting from tomorrow, I am going to begin an experiment. I am going to sit still for one hour per day, in two periods of 30 minutes every day, eyes closed. The aim, should there be one, is to find out what meditation is. Having listened to Krishnamurti for around ten years, it is high time to allow what he is talking about to gain some purchase. The tendency is to keep moving no matter what. I feel if I stop, purposefully, something may catch up and take hold, like preparing the soil. Enough said for now. I aim to report here what happens…

Friday

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All week I got up and did the yoga, same as Tuesday. The best part of course is the relaxation. A couple of ‘visions’ came, or feeling/visions, or I don’t know what. One was in the Victorian alleyway behind my old flat, buildings all around, and suddenly a beam of light hit me from the right and there was a gap through the buildings, which wasn’t there before, and I could see clearly through to the common beyond. I had a great feeling of  s p a c e . The other is more vague now, but with much impact. A door opened suddenly, like a door into an attic and a red clocked girl was visible, for a brief second. These weren’t like dreams or imaginings, more like they came from the part of the body I was in touch with. I maintain that the body itself holds memories, in very specific places, and not just the mind. But none of these seemed like a memory… something else. I will explore this.

After that deep relaxation, which now takes around 40 minutes (need to make more time – that’s where the ‘work’ takes place and that’s where I want to be) it was time for some breakfast. Martin sent me a vid of some buffalo and lions (and a croc). It was stunning. The lions catch the smallest buffalo then the adults come back to rescue it. Adam had stumbled me a vid of some Japanese settling in to a massage chair then suddenly they are being propelled, in the chair, down the ski slope. I can’t describe it funnily, but it’s here. I cried with laughter and my skull hurt.

Work: emails then the first business meeting in a month or so. Everyone back from holidays, then a short video then a dialogue about why we don’t change. I ask a question; people answer. I am not asking the question to get an answer but that’s how people respond. Enquiry isn’t about answers.

Lunch at the school in the sun, rota (washing up) then Adam and I helped Ashna move the last of her things from Dean to the school. We ripped a little hole in the Renault’s headrest with her bookshelf. I don’t know her well so it was good to be able to do something together, to meet her a bit.

No time for a sleep but had a cooling dip in the pool with Caroline, swimming underwater for a few mins.

Usually I verify transcripts of Krishnamurti in the afternoon and today I did it for about an hour, preferring to finish some email queries before the weekend. One of the trustees came in while I was laid on the floor with my legs up the shelving, having a little break, to ask me something. ‘Shall I get up?’ ‘No, stay where you are.’ We then had a conversation with me on the floor. After a while it felt too odd so I got up.

After work, to the school for supplies. We cooked buckwheat pancakes, which we have a couple of times a week for supper. On emptying the compost bin a bird flew into Doug’s window and was lying twitching and writhing on the ground. Antonio said it was just in shock and would be fine.

The rest of the eve I watched E09 of John From Cincinnati while Caroline blogged and browsed. Then some usual checks: flickr, boing boing, facebook, etc, and then this.

To the weekend….

Tuesday

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Woke around 0700. Shower

Did some yoga, from Sivananda book: Kapalabati, neck, shoulders, eyes, lion, four rounds of sun salutation, leg lifts and squeezes, then half an hour being a corpse. “I relax my toes, I relax my toes. My toes are relaxed.” Up through the whole body, then the whole thing again, focusing on the insides, then lastly, the brain itself, and then there is very little left to relax. I feel it may be an every-deepening phenomenon. By then Caroline was getting up, around 0815.

Made breakfast of apple, half orange, half grapefruit, banana, dash of Innocent smoothie, two spoons yoghurt, some mixed nuts and seeds, Crispy Rice.

Browsed through emails, news, facebook, flickr. To work.

Answered some emails, enquired to  Watkins Books about the value of some Gurdjieff books someone donated. £80 for three books. I’ll take them up to London some time. Scanned some book covers Yojun had entered in the database. Just Arne and I in the office today.

Lunch at home with Caroline: Omlette with yellow pepper and some carrots, sat on the doorstep in the bright warm sun.

Sleep for half an hour. To work.

Finished 690909, Public Dialogue at Brockwood, sat in the conservatory then sitting room to proof read. 19 pages that didn’t really go anywhere, but on re-reading its amazing how he holds such scattered input from the audience together.

Home through the rain, both of us under the raincoat. Thinking of swimming in the rain, but didn’t. facebook and washing up while baked spuds cooked. Supper at the table, pause before.

Watched Oliver Twist (Polanski) in bed together, plus a few of the extras. Sad tale; don’t find it uplifting. Well made and great sets and props. Some ropey child acting early on. Seeing some making-of makes me appreciate the art more. It’s easy to criticise.

Alarm set for 0700, going to sleep.

Running – Day Zero

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I am not continuing with the programme. Once I stopped, to go on holiday, I felt some pain in my right knee which took a whole week to go, along with a slightly ‘out’ ankle. Enough to make me listen to all those who told me running can be quite harmful, and too much impact on the joints.  Also the crampy tight feeling in my lower calves still hasn’t left, two weeks later. Copping out? Maybe, but I don’t want to risk long term damage; I’d rather keep fit other ways.

I am going to swim, jump on my trampoline, surf, walk, and stretch to keep well physically from now on. 

By the way, the 30 min prog doesn’t end with 30 mins running, but 6 lots of five minutes, with one min walk after each as usual.

So… gotta find something else to blog about now. I suspect it will be the meditation I intend to begin regularly.

Running – Day 12 and 13

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Day 12 was 8 lots of 2 minutes. My calves were crampy and heavy, so it wasn’t so much fun. Day 13 (today) is a rest day.

I am halting the programme for a while, taking what would be Day 14 and 15 off before the trip to Portugal, 19th. I may do a little running there, or continue the prog if I can get email and if there are no waves. Otherwise I will continue all this when I get back – the running and the blogging.

Sorry to leave it in suspense like that. Happy running!

Take it easy now… Duncan

Running – Day 11

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Today is 3 minute runs, five of them, with the usual 1 min walks in between.

I am getting into the flow of it. I feel I could easily carry on beyond the three minute beeps of my watch, but of course I am glad of the chance for my breath to slow down again. The main thing is that my pace feels sustainable, breath-wise.

It was hot today and at midday instead of evening. I like to get good and sweaty.

I am surprised how running is toning my whole body, not just the obvious places. I also feel stronger and more powerful and confident these days.

The obstacle is still the starting off, i.e. getting out of my usual activities and onto the road.

Camber

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I just read that the camber of the road can cause injury, with feet having to compensate for the tilt in the road. I’m running in the middle of the lane from now on! I do feel more strain in the right ankle, and the roads I use to taper off quite strong to the right. Good tip!

Running – Day 9

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Today was slacker – 6 x 2 minute runs with 1 min walks after each. The usual warm up and cool down – I take 5 mins for those.

Just as well it was easier – I had very little energy. It would ‘usually’ be a rest day today. That comes tomorrow, the email says. My running was slow; I felt like one of those guys you see at the end of the London Marathon TV coverage, the ones who are still running hours later. At times it felt like I wasn’t going anywhere but kind of running on the spot. At times my shoes squeaked on the road as I dragged the landings and take offs.

That’s OK, I’m not really judging this, just doing what it says fairly casually. Certainly not pushing it at all. The only push is the effort to go out there when my tendancy and habit and inclination is to lie down or sit down and do some browsing or reading or watching, or whatever.

Running – Day 8

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This is Brockwood Bottom, where the warm up ends and the cool down walk starts.

Today’s looked like this:

5    Walk
3    Run
1    Walk
3    Run
1    Walk
3    Run
1    Walk
3    Run
1    Walk
1    Run
1    Walk
1    Run
1    Walk
1    Run
1    Walk
1    Run
1    Walk
5    Walk

Minutes on the left.

I liked it. It wasn’t too tough. The sun was out; good sweat. My ankles are rather sore. No, not sore, but I feel them on each landing and take off, but it’s just muscle stiffness that is quite familiar with exercise. Today I really got the feeling of running, setting the timer on the watch for three mins each time and just forgetting about the time and getting into it. I chose the flat lane again, the branch on the right of this pic.

If you are doing this yourself, turn back after the third run session, to get back to exactly the cool down walk point.

This morning on waking I was so  tired, just wanting to be still in bed some more.  I looked forward  to the  email at work, to see what today’s run would be like. So, she doesn’t stick to the same routines two days in a row, necessarily.

I realised today I’ll have to suspend the programme this time next week, while I’m surfing in Portugal.

Laters.

Running – Day 7

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The email woman is so keen to be enthusiastic and encouraging she congratulated on one week finished, with the last day of the week still to do! And with two rest days, that means 1/5 left to do!

It was different again, programme wise and out on the lanes. This time it was 6x 2 min run/1 min walk, so all over in half an hour, and easier than the previous two running days. I chose a different route, and immediately regretted it, the start being uphill for the whole two mins. Not too steep but making me breath much harder. Then the road levels out and I enjoyed coasting along in the sunshine, crops swaying in the wind, blue sky dotted with magnificent white clouds overhead, feed pounding on the tarmac, road in better shape than the lower road, recovering nicely in the minute walks.

My legs felt heavy but I felt I could continue beyond the 2 min runs and wouldn’t get too puffed. Just holding it steady. Started racing ahead in my thoughts to the possibility of a marathon. Obviously that is way ahead, but why not?  Let’s see how it progresses. Some new sensation in my left shin, a kind of tingle, slightly painful. it soon passed. The crampy feeling in my right thigh, at the back, high up, is still there. I am giving myself a rub now and then during the day, and stretching after the run, and yoga every other morning as usual.

The anger I mentioned I wanted to release is really near the surface, like something is going to burst. Good, it is definitely on the move. Stay stationary physically and I think you get stuck emotionally and mentally too.

I have to eat more – I am loosing weight. Not that I have any scales but my face is looking thin.

So, I imagine same again tomorrow but she’s probably surprise me. Of course it’s just a pre-written auto email, but I like to imagine she’s making it up daily.

Running – Day 5

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Today the schedule was the same as yesterday.

Harder, much harder today. I had less energy, my body was heavy and I felt like skipping it. It’s always after about four days that I give up on things. This time I want to continue. My body needs it, even though it is protesting at the moment. I feel like I’ve been on a surf trip, with various aches and stiffness. No pain at all. I am not pushing anything here.

It was a showery eve so I took a light fleece. Of course, once I got into it I had to take that off, leaving it on a fench to pick up on the way back. I look nerdy running, in surf shorts and some old t-shirt and bad socks, topped off with the flashy new shoes. Like a running geek. Which is kind of what I am.

My mind is definitely clearer and I feel… different. "I’m feeling unusual" but in a good way. My face looks different to. Hard to explain how.

Somehow my neck is feeling it. At the start of the run I feel the tension in the neck and shoulders, which fades. A lot goes on in 35 minutes alone on the lanes. Whatever you are feeling feels more, then releases. So it is not easy in that sense – mentally and physically intense.

Tomorrow must be the second rest day…. please!