I am hungry. I want food. Looking into it, what is originating the ‘I want food,’ the stomach or the mind? At this stage, now, I feel it is only the mind. So I won’t eat.

Not one bloody positive thought. So unhappy. Hurt, pain, despair. Will it ever be OK, or will this up and downing last forever? Alone all day, face to face with myself. Something is wrong. A man should be able to be alone without this happening.

I have a box of old diaries, 20 or more of them, which I’ve wanted to share in some way for a long time. But what to do – scan them? read them out? type them? I am settling on typing them, and doing them as posts on the blog. The first is from the non-stop tour of Europe in 1990. There were many more from this era but were destroyed in a jealous wife incident in the early nineties.

It’s a curious thing, the universe within. I am only just beginning to sense it. Really, just beginning after 37 years. Only when something is aching or something is hurt or tight do I feel the body and its insides, when some food has upset me or its uncomfortable in my head. To feel within when none of things are happening is something else. Something completely different. I want to explore this curiosity further and further.

At one stage of relaxation I was a keen apprentice, suddenly, learning the art of relaxing a thigh. From whom I was learning I do not know. The feeling was at the edge of thought and the edge of dreams, where the two meet. A little snore escaped.

I awoke early, 0545 after a good rest after a light supper – C made some wheat free bread rolls. I rested until ten to seven then began, after a wash. I’ve gone back to the beginning, with Basic Yoga for Dummies on video. I’ll write more about this recording later, but for now it’s enough to say that it is gentle enough, progressive enough, simple enough to keep me coming back.

Sitting in the quiet room after work I used what I learnt in post-yoga relaxation to ease into my body. This sets up a different quality than the struggling and fighting that normally happens the first minutes of sitting. Relaxing down into my trunk, shoulders beginning to tingle, whistles in my head, future OK, past OK, I sensed I was waiting. For what? Doesn’t matter what, just that I was waiting. So it was natural to find the source of this waiting feeling, and it was like following a magnet, a repelling magnet among an organic, non-metallic body – my own. And once sourced, the waiting ceased and a new level of stillness drew near.

A short walk home, stars bright, a car being directed in the lane by a French lady, then home and in the kitchen, my girl making supper, and we danced to Be Good Tanyas – The Littlest Birds. First time I’d heard them. In her arms.

My computer at work now has a little timer where I can set it for 45 minutes and then it’s time to take a break, legs up the wall, walk round the building, stretch, or close my eyes listening to some music. It’s important when sitting all day.

The sitting quietly has continued, but not twice every day and not at all today. That’s okay, anyway.

Acupuncture yesterday. Second session with Tamara in Petersfield in the Centre above the health food shop (the Bran Tub; very good). I was in bliss after the back needles, when she had them in my arms, feeling so good I could cry. I focused and made it out of there and back to work. I feel centred, rested, sharp in mind and my eyes are less sore. Let me see if there are any eye floaters… Yep they are still there… but there’s hope yet. It’s only two sessions. I am laying off the yoga for a time, sort of so I can see what the acupuncture is doing on its own, sort of ’cause I’m being lazy.

I have been listening to Glen Gould playing Bach. Generally I am very impressed and touched, but only if it’s just the piano. I am not so fond of the strings. They remind me of wigs and fancy gardens. Fancy gardens alone are fine. No wigs.

A fancy garden, without wigs. Hinton Ampner.

For dialogue, we split into small groups; much more my scene. I was with Ann, Maya, Amanda, Ursula, Colin, Dave, Yannick,  Fazilla and Anu. We talked
about expectations at Brockwood, what was expected of us, how we handle that. I was generally intelligently amusing, and questioning what people meant. I still find being in groups awkward and weird, but I am able to relax more these days.

I am going to write more generally, including experiences when sitting, and some photos.

I made a new rule today which was that at weekends I only sit for the morning session. On lying in bed this evening, watching a chain of partial programmes on TV, ending with Jack Osbourne, I was inspired to break that rule, and sit again this evening, listening to a new CD I bought called Guided Meditations by someone called Bodhipaksa.

I was surprised and slightly disappointed that he has a Scottish accent. But a very gentle voice, taking one though vision, to counting breaths, to relaxing and expansion, to sensing the air, to feeling the whole breath. Maybe not in that order.

I felt I was ‘cheating’ somewhat, not doing it by myself in silence, but after most of the day alone, I felt like ‘being with someone’. Hence all the TV watching, (including a jump through of Death Proof, which seemed to be talking, cars, talking, cars. It’s a trick way not to feel alone.

The TV was all types of shit: X Factor auditions, Top Gear, Millionaire, some TV show countdowns and Adreniline Junky, in which Jack and his some teenagers spent time at some kind of Shaolin trining camp. I’d like to do something like that, some strict discipline, learning about myself and stretching my abilities.

This morning: internet, sitting out in the field on my camping chair, in the morning sun, Krishnamurti with the Foundation (2 of a series of four we are watching). At the end Donna announced that she wants to ‘give it all up’ and go bake cookies and spend some time with her Grandchildren. I’m not sure what she wants to give up – some kind of struggling for something. We have our own hells.

This afternoon: Winchester, walking about, M&S salad in the cathedral grounds in the sun, looking at people, feeling like making connections but no idea how, Tesco, home for a sleep, before the TV evening, the end of which I write these words.

Feeling like I need to break through something, need to use my body more, need to shift stuck energy. We’ll see what happens next…

All week I got up and did the yoga, same as Tuesday. The best part of course is the relaxation. A couple of ‘visions’ came, or feeling/visions, or I don’t know what. One was in the Victorian alleyway behind my old flat, buildings all around, and suddenly a beam of light hit me from the right and there was a gap through the buildings, which wasn’t there before, and I could see clearly through to the common beyond. I had a great feeling of  s p a c e . The other is more vague now, but with much impact. A door opened suddenly, like a door into an attic and a red clocked girl was visible, for a brief second. These weren’t like dreams or imaginings, more like they came from the part of the body I was in touch with. I maintain that the body itself holds memories, in very specific places, and not just the mind. But none of these seemed like a memory… something else. I will explore this.

After that deep relaxation, which now takes around 40 minutes (need to make more time – that’s where the ‘work’ takes place and that’s where I want to be) it was time for some breakfast. Martin sent me a vid of some buffalo and lions (and a croc). It was stunning. The lions catch the smallest buffalo then the adults come back to rescue it. Adam had stumbled me a vid of some Japanese settling in to a massage chair then suddenly they are being propelled, in the chair, down the ski slope. I can’t describe it funnily, but it’s here. I cried with laughter and my skull hurt.

Work: emails then the first business meeting in a month or so. Everyone back from holidays, then a short video then a dialogue about why we don’t change. I ask a question; people answer. I am not asking the question to get an answer but that’s how people respond. Enquiry isn’t about answers.

Lunch at the school in the sun, rota (washing up) then Adam and I helped Ashna move the last of her things from Dean to the school. We ripped a little hole in the Renault’s headrest with her bookshelf. I don’t know her well so it was good to be able to do something together, to meet her a bit.

No time for a sleep but had a cooling dip in the pool with Caroline, swimming underwater for a few mins.

Usually I verify transcripts of Krishnamurti in the afternoon and today I did it for about an hour, preferring to finish some email queries before the weekend. One of the trustees came in while I was laid on the floor with my legs up the shelving, having a little break, to ask me something. ‘Shall I get up?’ ‘No, stay where you are.’ We then had a conversation with me on the floor. After a while it felt too odd so I got up.

After work, to the school for supplies. We cooked buckwheat pancakes, which we have a couple of times a week for supper. On emptying the compost bin a bird flew into Doug’s window and was lying twitching and writhing on the ground. Antonio said it was just in shock and would be fine.

The rest of the eve I watched E09 of John From Cincinnati while Caroline blogged and browsed. Then some usual checks: flickr, boing boing, facebook, etc, and then this.

To the weekend….

Woke around 0700. Shower

Did some yoga, from Sivananda book: Kapalabati, neck, shoulders, eyes, lion, four rounds of sun salutation, leg lifts and squeezes, then half an hour being a corpse. “I relax my toes, I relax my toes. My toes are relaxed.” Up through the whole body, then the whole thing again, focusing on the insides, then lastly, the brain itself, and then there is very little left to relax. I feel it may be an every-deepening phenomenon. By then Caroline was getting up, around 0815.

Made breakfast of apple, half orange, half grapefruit, banana, dash of Innocent smoothie, two spoons yoghurt, some mixed nuts and seeds, Crispy Rice.

Browsed through emails, news, facebook, flickr. To work.

Answered some emails, enquired to  Watkins Books about the value of some Gurdjieff books someone donated. £80 for three books. I’ll take them up to London some time. Scanned some book covers Yojun had entered in the database. Just Arne and I in the office today.

Lunch at home with Caroline: Omlette with yellow pepper and some carrots, sat on the doorstep in the bright warm sun.

Sleep for half an hour. To work.

Finished 690909, Public Dialogue at Brockwood, sat in the conservatory then sitting room to proof read. 19 pages that didn’t really go anywhere, but on re-reading its amazing how he holds such scattered input from the audience together.

Home through the rain, both of us under the raincoat. Thinking of swimming in the rain, but didn’t. facebook and washing up while baked spuds cooked. Supper at the table, pause before.

Watched Oliver Twist (Polanski) in bed together, plus a few of the extras. Sad tale; don’t find it uplifting. Well made and great sets and props. Some ropey child acting early on. Seeing some making-of makes me appreciate the art more. It’s easy to criticise.

Alarm set for 0700, going to sleep.