am 30 min
Better to sit for less time than not at all and stay in bed half awake, half aware. This way I’m more likely to sit in the evening too. Half an hour was nothing. So surprised when it was over, seemingly in five minutes. Looking at where I’m making an effort. Even to follow the breath there can be a load, a weight put upon the area of observation. The weight of doing something about something. The same with scanning over the body, the struggle to maintain the movement, the slight pushing. Looked at all the direction-making, seeking, grasping and wanting, and in looking, not condemning, as that is again effort, but the seeing somehow ends that action and awareness is cleaner, the looking clearer, but without comparison to the less-clear. Tremors of fear and a vulnerability and a new response of assurance from deep within that it is okay. Not “don’t be afraid” but that it’s all right. A feeling throughout of being very very close to myself, and any movement away short-lived and trivial. Less of the feeling of trying to get somewhere, instead staying nearer.
pm 20 min
Outside in the sun and breeze, the deeds of the day undoing and thoughts resolving.