Month: April 2014

Meditation Journal 14 April 2014 – The voice

Posted on by Duncan Toms

A voice has spoken to me twice in my life, a voice more direct than someone standing right next to me, at once more powerful and real than any thinking or listening. Even more real than a voice, yet it used words. The first time was in the late 90s when I had started to lie down in a place of comfort and security and… I don’t know, just relaxing, in awareness, apparently going deeper and deeper… and then from nowhere it said: YOU TOOK YOUR TIME. In a friendly and slightly joking yet austere kind of way, very welcoming. And that was it. And it was true, it had taken me a very long time to learn to relax, I realised.

The second time was maybe 7 years later, at a friend’s in London and I was smoking a joint (something I gave up years ago now) and so for a time I was alone, sitting on a chair, others in the house occupied elsewhere. Suddenly I was very calm and centred and from nowhere it said: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO GET TO? This time more austere than jokey, slightly reprimanding but not hard or punishing, just frank and true. And I realised I had been struggling for a long time to get away from myself, to escape, to get to some kind of peace… ‘over there’, looking, searching. I implicitly trusted the voice.

These two sentences were with me this morning as I sat, with some regret that I didn’t begin this regular practice earlier. I know that I couldn’t have, that I wasn’t ready and when I tried I soon stopped, I couldn’t force it, but the regret was still there despite the rationalisation. And it was very clear that I am still trying to get some place on some level. More and more I am seeing that any kind of striving in a direction is unnecessary and in fact leads nowhere. There’s nothing to run from either. Getting closer is the only way, if there is a way. More myself rather than less.

I did find myself asking the voice to speak to me again, but these two sentences of guidance are all I’ve received and are probably quite enough. For now.

Meditation Journal 13 April 2014 – Thought undoes itself from within

Posted on by Duncan Toms

am 50 min

Woke having been dreaming I was in conversation with Noel Gallagher for a couple of hours. I asked how he spent his time these days. Oh, googling, was his reply.

A ‘no technique’ session. Noticed how decision is limited, divisive. Thought can undo itself. If there is a bringing back to the present when noticing thinking, then judgement, choice, preference is involved, and the chain reaction continues. When thought itself undoes itself, from within itself not from without, then there is something new. The chain reaction is broken in that moment. Thinking may not be the problem we think it is. Choosing may be. Head full of a light at times, a light that had nothing to do with the lamp or with the dawn light through the window.

It’s 7:20 and the motorbikes are out, screaming along the A272.

Meditation Journal 12 April 2014 – Modification by the mind is not accurate

Posted on by Duncan Toms

am 1hr

Up at 6 as usual. Sat down in my corner by the window and radiator, only slightly on now that it’s spring proper. Sky light after a stunning red before dawn, seen out of the bathroom window. On the cushion of husks, on a padded mat, a wool blanket around my shoulders, which usually has fallen by the time it’s over. Not that it’s ever really over, but the hour goes, very soon compared to an hour say at work or reading. After letting thinking dominate for 20 minutes or so, trying to solve unfinished business, reminding me of outstanding issues in the office, things to do, emotions current and long past, I began a casual scan from the head to the feet. After a couple of rounds, the connection got deeper, the feeling of the body much closer, and the character of each part of the body and its sensations right now more apparent. I lingered where sensation was stronger, back of the neck and shoulders today, pelvic floor, genitals, bearing in mind the tendency to run with the nice feelings and shun the tense or painful. It is all what it is. And modification of that by the mind is not accurate, is a vain attempt to do something about it. This is a mistake. Not to condemn it, but it is false. Sensation is valid, genuine, real, and there it is, curious and calling out. Through much of it, the head shaking side to side and there’s no stopping it without great unnecessary effort, so I don’t.

pm 45 min

The high of TV watching gave way to the reality of me sat on a cushion, stiff neck, shoulders and my head involuntarily shaking. I suppose it’s my body’s attempt to release tension. A relief to sit quietly of an evening; so easy to occupy endlessly.

Meditation Journal 8 April 2014 – An undoing of doing

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Wanted to lie down, as usual, then I asked: what’s the difference? Is it really safer, more comfortable? I’ll sit down again soon, maybe after the weekend. ‘Soon’ could be today, why not? And so I sat down, simple, no argument or debate or pressure. And when I sat I saw that any technique would be a desirous movement towards something or away from something. So I just sat. Of course, then there is ample time for thinking about various things at work or in my life. I didn’t do the classic: ‘and now return to the breath.’ Who was ‘I’ to do that? Why would I do it? No, it’s more natural. Anyway, once returned to the breath, what then? The cycle continues. No, it’s more natural, the attention simply moves nearer, a layer of activity drops away. It seemed to be ‘nearer’ rather than ‘deeper’, a coming closer to home rather than an exploration of the depths. No exploration, no seeking, no trying to work it out or find something, rather a coming home. Come home. Come home. Return. And yet not even a movement in that direction, more like an unfolding, an undoing of doing. And one doesn’t do this unfolding or undoing, it occurs. This all felt very restful, and anything that wasn’t restful or natural was exposed as the effort and subtle struggle it was. Everything is as it is, I don’t have to work it out. Waves of bliss, waves of strife, waves of pain, all come and go and preference towards or against any is unnecessary.

Meditation Journal 6 April 2014 – Spooked by my own body

Posted on by Duncan Toms

Scattered at the start, moving rapidly around the body, as if in some stress and that something’s wrong. Calmed down as I continued moving, sensing, seeing how I dart away from certain areas, linger in others. Listening, listening, feeling, feeling, the reality of the body and mind. I wonder if there is anything to be anxious about. Do I do it to myself? Like spook myself? The future based on the past. Things happened in the past and so they are going to happen again, so… watch out! Be on guard. Be nervous. It’s coming. The worse thing is coming. All sorts of anxiety based on – what? – sensations. Spooked by my own body and it seems perfectly possible not to be. 

Meditation Journal 29 March 2014

Posted on by Duncan Toms

The default state of fear is so familiar. Waking up from a deep night’s sleep after fearful dreams. Washing and brushing teeth, there’s something coming up to be afraid of. Sitting in the corner of the bedroom, fear is around the corner. Fear of the past, fear of the future. Sitting still, birds singing outside, body strong and comfortable on the cushion, what’s to be afraid of? I don’t know. But it’s there, seemingly. Without going in any direction I held the fear close, noticing its flavour and substance, and how it felt in the mind and the body. So familiar. There for as long as I can remember. There’s something to be afraid of, there’s something to be afraid of. At least right now, I think, there’s nothing. No one to interact with, nothing I have to do. So fear is a residue or imagination and those can be met in stillness, now, while I’m sitting here. It soon becomes clear that I am intwined with the fear, it’s not something other than me. Just feeling it, allowing it near, suddenly there is no fear different from me. My very attitude seems to be the fear itself. There’s not a thing made of fear, it seems to have no substance of itself but only in relation to me. I can’t say that it ended or dissipated or dissolved entirely but there’s now a handle on it, the way it works and the way I work. And the key to this tricksy lock seems to be in nothing but awareness. Not a doing of awareness but simpler than that.

Weekend Walk 52 – Winchester and Hockley Viaduct

Posted on by Duncan Toms

A circular walk along the River Itchen and the Itchen Navigation, from St Cross south to Hockley Viaduct, now open for walkers and cyclists, back north to Winchester city centre, cathedral and college before returning through the water meadows. Calves, newborn lambs and views of St Catherine’s hill.