I’m always heavier the morning after a swim (or surf) session, muscles a bit worn and stiff. This makes me reluctant to stretch although it is actually what I need, to elongate and stretch out the physical work of yesterday.
Grumpy on waking I didn’t want to do anything, including go back to sleep, rebelling against my life and its contents. Fed up with the whole thing. This fed up combined with natural awareness leads to understanding that all the things outwardly and inwardly will not satisfy. I can plot and plan and design a life that should lead to contentment and happiness, think about ‘good things’ but it is all clunky old thinking, clutching at straws and going back round the loop.
It’s another warm day. The pool at the school is being filled after Francisco and Julia painted it yesterday. I am going to check the outdoor pool in Petersfield; maybe go over the weekend.
One month later and it’s summer. The snow a freak dream of late spring. The sun wakes me in the mornings, pheasants and ducks in the garden, a sqwark and that half-quacky thing ducks do. Bright days, shorts and t-shirts.
The latest yoga video is from yoga.org.nz and I’ve been following it for five days straight. Not following, exactly, but working with it. I called it ‘gay yoga’ at first – two buff guys in shorts sitting together showing the poses. Gay or not, it’s a very good routine, strengthening and opening. My arms look like I’ve just been on a surf trip and the tensions in my neck are dropping away, everything changing. The narrators sound like the yogic Flight of the Conchords, that deadpan monotone understated New Zealand speak. I like it; there’s nothing to get annoyed about like most yoga videos.
Before the squence there is a cool section explaining yoga practice by dropping blue ink drops into a bowl of water. There is no noticeable effect at first, even after a week, After a month the bowl is light blue and after a year a deep blue. I am not sure what deep blue equates to… enthused by prana perhaps.
Lots of energy for insights and revelations these life-affirming days.
Feeling meaningless today and kinda mean, not so keen. Took a while to
wake up, which I did out in the snow because it had snowed in the night
and the thing to do when there is snow is go outside and walk about and
play with it a bit. Which we did. It took about 20 minutes in the cold
to wake up enough to enjoy it. This was after trying to roll snowballs
which didn’t work so well because the snow wouldn’t stick to itself.
Although it was crunchy underfoot, that satisfying grinding snow sound,
it was too powdery to stick to its own ball(s). Farid was out on the
south lawn making some kind of snow crop circles into a mountain. I put
what ball I had on top of his mountain. Jerome was on his way to work
and Dagmar was making huge bubbles out of her window on the first floor
of the school. Then I was awake more and we walked around the grove. I
liked pulling branches back making them lose some snow and making
snowfall again. Rabbit tracks in the snow and cold looking spring
flowers. Then, back home, I showered with one of the new shower
smoothies and went back to bed and slept till lunchtime. By then it was
a proper spring day and the snow was 3/4 melted, dripping off the trees
as I walked to the school. I sat outside with Christophe and Francisco
who talked about LPG engines. After, Christophe told me border
crossings go much smoother if you drive an estate. Sensible,
trustworthy people drive estates. In the afternoon I don’t know what I
did. Felt meaningless and did meaningless things on the internet I
guess. Oh, uploaded some photos to flickr. Watched the video in the
last post which gave a little meaning, took an afternoon walk round the
Inwoods loop and then listened to the first half of Russell Brand’s
show from last night. Funny and probably offensive bit about ‘tit
milk’. Right now we are about to watch 2 Days in Paris. Except Caroline
is putting out her homemade lanterns first.
In a cold north wind, warmer in sheltered valleys, we walked a loop
from the top of Ashford Hangers to Hawkley. This is an area just north
of Petersfield in Hampshire, north of ‘Little Switzerland’. There’s a couple of little streams, clear
waters, at the foot of the hill, then the path rises to the village,
with its church and small village green. Very old yew trees.
>
On the way back, the climb up
the back of the Hangers was good and steep, working our legs and lungs
hard. Some 4x4s had channelled deep tire ravines into the chalk clay.
There were great views over to East Hampshire and to the south from the
top.
After lunch we went to Winchester to get some stuff – bird feed (mainly
for the duck couple who now live in our garden.) She is heavily
pregnant and very hungry. She is very beautiful, a lighter brown than
the usual, and I’ve fallen in love with her. Another female comes by
too, with her 10 or so ducklings. And there is another set of them at
Number 1, one a bright yellow like a chicken chick. C got wire for her
homemade candle lanterns and I got my hair cut. I’m going to a more
expensive barber next time; the cheap ones (not so cheap at £9) don’t
really listen to what you want. At Tesco we got shower smoothies and
bath foams and yoghurt soda bread that it’s hard not to eat in one day.
This evening we watched Prairie Home Companion. I didn’t realise it was
a real show until I looked it up later. It had some charm, but was
mainly inconsequential. Woody Harrelson is very watchable. I am
watching Empire Magazine’s top 25
of 2007. That was number 24. 25 was Venus with Peter O’Toole, that had
a lot more depth. But both basically luvvie movies. I guess critics
like Industry movies, and as such Ratatouille got higher reviews than
it would have done had it not featured a critic.
Dru Yoga Wake up and Sun Saluation this morning on waking. I feel an
energy building up. The temptation is to try to do something about it, but what
happens if you let it run its course?
I feel for the support acts. No one is listening, their music and
lyrics competing against the din of conversation of a couple of hundred
people. Maybe this is normal these days. The first guy, Theory, is
obviously influenced by Buck 65 but has a harder (London?) edge. Then
two guys from Canada, Jon & Roy
who were pretty good. Some reggae grooves later, joined by a bass
player. Reminded me of Flight of the Conchords a bit. Without the
comedy.
The unexpected but intentional comedy came from Buck 65 himself.
Infinitely watchable, his act was full of funny marches, twitchy dance
moves, expressions, snippets of Fine Young Cannibals, glitter from
pocket. But he’s pretty straight up, rugged. It’s just him, his MacBook
Pro, turntable, used towards the end of each track for a short scratch,
and railroad baseball cap.
No straight trawl through the latest album, Situation,
he covered many older tracks, starting with Indestructible Sam, an
acapella Wicked and Weird, and my favourite, Roses and Blue Jays. Songs
interspersed with bits of singing, improvised raps, Run-DMC lyrics.
Crisp music and clear lyrics in a small venue of enthusiastic fans.
He’s a real poet, so many great lyrics, on point delivery, backed by a
hip-hop from when it was good.
As surprise announcement that a new album is ready, releasing this summer. Hell, Situation only dropped a few months ago
I am playing with a few different videos I downloaded. Today, a half hour session from SpiritWithin studios, from 2001. Like most of these recordings, it seems kind of rushed. I am just getting into feeling the pose when she moves on to the next. Maybe if you follow it a few times you get into the same flow as the teacher. This highlights the obvious need to go at one’s own pace. Except, sometimes it is good to go with another’s pace, to see what that’s like, to break with your daydreamy habits. I am going to try all the videos I’ve downloaded, just to explore. The best so far is the Basic Yoga for Dummies. A really gentle pace (apart from the end relaxation) and simple instructions. Yesterday, I came across Dru Yoga. I have ordered their DVD, with sequences for morning, noon and evening. Yoga isn’t to be ghettoised into a slot in the morning then forgotten about.
Hello shoulders, stubborn and strong Hello pelvis, a weeping Hello jaw, critically tight Hello forehead, stern and wise Hello legs, taking me there Hello arms, paddling out, telling Hello eyes, watching it all Hello heart, the centre, the love Hello brain, whatcha up to? Can you all take a rest, while doing your thing? It’s all right.
Whatever might be happening, I am carrying on with the ‘practice’. I am not sure what practice means, but it’s not just a fair weather thing, sitting still, relaxing, yoga stretches. Today very stiff and tight after yesterday’s hour and a half surfing then later a kilometer swim. I wanted to wallow in tiredness and lie in but so glad to gently stretch and then spend some time relaxing. I want to keep moving though, because of what’s happening in my life – breaking up is hard to do. It’s not breaking up – there’s nothing to break. So, to continue. We don’t know where.
There was someone I was to meet. I’d arrived at an apartment, up in the
hills, expensive. A family next door had a little house and each of the
bedrooms were another cabin, nestled in the hillside. I never met the
person but it felt great to be there. There were many others and they
all knew what to do. Even though I didn’t know what to do I felt
welcome. I never met who I was to meet.
What changed with my yoga routine?
Shower in the evening – means I don’t have to get up so early.
Eat breakfast at work while reading the morning emails – means I
can get up at ten to seven and still have a 50 min stretch and a 40 min
relax.
Find a book/video that isn’t too progressive, is nurturing and safe – I use Basic Yoga For Dummies.
Feel safe, that nothing is going to happen
Feel that you fundamentally want to do this, and enjoy it.
Once I begin to explore relaxation I am so surprised to realise how on edge I operate most of the time. I’m tense, nervous, thinking all the time, worried what might happen next, what might leap out at me, inside or outside my body. I think this is pretty normal. What I can say is it is pretty usual. The evidence is all around. Added to our own tensions we stimulate ourselves to get through the day. So many coffee shops! Where did they all come from? Is it because we don’t smoke so much any more we use coffee instead? And once day is done, have some alcohol. What are we avoiding? I don’t know. I don’t think I can know but I feel the urge to move move move, to stay on edge. You never know what might happen.
That means our own realities can be changed readily and therefore the shared reality is affected. To change reality, our own reality can be understood, accepted, realised, as is.
It’s a curious thing, the universe within. I am only just beginning to sense it. Really, just beginning after 37 years. Only when something is aching or something is hurt or tight do I feel the body and its insides, when some food has upset me or its uncomfortable in my head. To feel within when none of things are happening is something else. Something completely different. I want to explore this curiosity further and further.
At one stage of relaxation I was a keen apprentice, suddenly, learning the art of relaxing a thigh. From whom I was learning I do not know. The feeling was at the edge of thought and the edge of dreams, where the two meet. A little snore escaped.
I awoke early, 0545 after a good rest after a light supper – C made some wheat free bread rolls. I rested until ten to seven then began, after a wash. I’ve gone back to the beginning, with Basic Yoga for Dummies on video. I’ll write more about this recording later, but for now it’s enough to say that it is gentle enough, progressive enough, simple enough to keep me coming back.
I’ve been settling into a fairly routine yoga practice, seeing if I can get up each workday early enough for 50 mins or so of stretching. This last week I added a longer relaxation at the end, first 30 mins which wasn’t enough so now it’s up to 40. I need that amount of time to go through all the main parts of the body: I relax my toes, I relax my toes, the toes are relaxed, over the course of three breaths. By the end it is it very apparent where the tensions are, the stiffness, and also those parts I try to avoid. Also I am left with the curious notion of ‘relaxing the relaxer’. Who’s relaxing who? The real connection and contact comes when I stay with the part of the body for the three breaths without moving to the next or skipping off into thinking about something, or some little dream. Around the shoulders and neck this happens often, and that is where I am tightest. The lower back too, although this is getting easier. Actually, no part of the body I entirely stayed with today, being a little sleepy. My response to the alarm clock was: Oh, it’s Wednesday, midweek, it would be symmetrical to rest in bed today, sleep an hour and a half more. This is easy to do, any excuse, and this is what I’ve been doing for much of 10+ years, skipping days, weeks, months. The gentle aim is to establish a regular weekday practice.
I discovered by reading the excellent The Word magazine that
1) They are making a new series. I hope it has more of they and less of him who’s their manager.
2) Bret was in Lord of the Rings. His unnamed character is now known as Figwit, from Frodo Is Great, Who Is That?! He can be seen here :)
3) That’s it.
Sitting in the quiet room after work I used what I learnt in post-yoga relaxation to ease into my body. This sets up a different quality than the struggling and fighting that normally happens the first minutes of sitting. Relaxing down into my trunk, shoulders beginning to tingle, whistles in my head, future OK, past OK, I sensed I was waiting. For what? Doesn’t matter what, just that I was waiting. So it was natural to find the source of this waiting feeling, and it was like following a magnet, a repelling magnet among an organic, non-metallic body – my own. And once sourced, the waiting ceased and a new level of stillness drew near.
A short walk home, stars bright, a car being directed in the lane by a French lady, then home and in the kitchen, my girl making supper, and we danced to Be Good Tanyas – The Littlest Birds. First time I’d heard them. In her arms.
The direction taken, being taken, if there is such thing as direction at all, is inward. The outside I will leave to those enamoured by the world. Of course, I remain in the world and appreciate it, its nature, its technology, its people, however, I choose not to involve myself beyond the essentials of food, shelter, contact. This is not a withdrawal, it’s a natural step, that there is nothing else to do but understand myself, err, feel myself. It’s not inward opposed to outward; it’s the only way this time. And it’s not a self-obsessed trip up one’s ass.
I find the series works great in YouTube sized pieces, away from the unnecessary concerns of the plotlines. This is my favourite song in the series. Splish splosh?
My computer at work now has a little timer where I can set it for 45 minutes and then it’s time to take a break, legs up the wall, walk round the building, stretch, or close my eyes listening to some music. It’s important when sitting all day.
The sitting quietly has continued, but not twice every day and not at all today. That’s okay, anyway.
Acupuncture yesterday. Second session with Tamara in Petersfield in the Centre above the health food shop (the Bran Tub; very good). I was in bliss after the back needles, when she had them in my arms, feeling so good I could cry. I focused and made it out of there and back to work. I feel centred, rested, sharp in mind and my eyes are less sore. Let me see if there are any eye floaters… Yep they are still there… but there’s hope yet. It’s only two sessions. I am laying off the yoga for a time, sort of so I can see what the acupuncture is doing on its own, sort of ’cause I’m being lazy.
I have been listening to Glen Gould playing Bach. Generally I am very impressed and touched, but only if it’s just the piano. I am not so fond of the strings. They remind me of wigs and fancy gardens. Fancy gardens alone are fine. No wigs.
A fancy garden, without wigs. Hinton Ampner.
For dialogue, we split into small groups; much more my scene. I was with Ann, Maya, Amanda, Ursula, Colin, Dave, Yannick, Fazilla and Anu. We talked
about expectations at Brockwood, what was expected of us, how we handle that. I was generally intelligently amusing, and questioning what people meant. I still find being in groups awkward and weird, but I am able to relax more these days.
Falling Awake 