Feeling meaningless today and kinda mean, not so keen. Took a while to
wake up, which I did out in the snow because it had snowed in the night
and the thing to do when there is snow is go outside and walk about and
play with it a bit. Which we did. It took about 20 minutes in the cold
to wake up enough to enjoy it. This was after trying to roll snowballs
which didn’t work so well because the snow wouldn’t stick to itself.
Although it was crunchy underfoot, that satisfying grinding snow sound,
it was too powdery to stick to its own ball(s). Farid was out on the
south lawn making some kind of snow crop circles into a mountain. I put
what ball I had on top of his mountain. Jerome was on his way to work
and Dagmar was making huge bubbles out of her window on the first floor
of the school. Then I was awake more and we walked around the grove. I
liked pulling branches back making them lose some snow and making
snowfall again. Rabbit tracks in the snow and cold looking spring
flowers. Then, back home, I showered with one of the new shower
smoothies and went back to bed and slept till lunchtime. By then it was
a proper spring day and the snow was 3/4 melted, dripping off the trees
as I walked to the school. I sat outside with Christophe and Francisco
who talked about LPG engines. After, Christophe told me border
crossings go much smoother if you drive an estate. Sensible,
trustworthy people drive estates. In the afternoon I don’t know what I
did. Felt meaningless and did meaningless things on the internet I
guess. Oh, uploaded some photos to flickr. Watched the video in the
last post which gave a little meaning, took an afternoon walk round the
Inwoods loop and then listened to the first half of Russell Brand’s
show from last night. Funny and probably offensive bit about ‘tit
milk’. Right now we are about to watch 2 Days in Paris. Except Caroline
is putting out her homemade lanterns first.
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Hello shoulders, stubborn and strong
Hello pelvis, a weeping
Hello jaw, critically tight
Hello forehead, stern and wise
Hello legs, taking me there
Hello arms, paddling out, telling
Hello eyes, watching it all
Hello heart, the centre, the love
Hello brain, whatcha up to?
Can you all take a rest, while doing your thing?
It’s all right.
Whatever might be happening, I am carrying on with the ‘practice’. I am not sure what practice means, but it’s not just a fair weather thing, sitting still, relaxing, yoga stretches. Today very stiff and tight after yesterday’s hour and a half surfing then later a kilometer swim. I wanted to wallow in tiredness and lie in but so glad to gently stretch and then spend some time relaxing. I want to keep moving though, because of what’s happening in my life – breaking up is hard to do. It’s not breaking up – there’s nothing to break. So, to continue. We don’t know where.
“Reality is but a group hunch” – Unknown.
That means our own realities can be changed readily and therefore the shared reality is affected. To change reality, our own reality can be understood, accepted, realised, as is.
The direction taken, being taken, if there is such thing as direction at all, is inward. The outside I will leave to those enamoured by the world. Of course, I remain in the world and appreciate it, its nature, its technology, its people, however, I choose not to involve myself beyond the essentials of food, shelter, contact. This is not a withdrawal, it’s a natural step, that there is nothing else to do but understand myself, err, feel myself. It’s not inward opposed to outward; it’s the only way this time. And it’s not a self-obsessed trip up one’s ass.
Started with love making, as we awoke, missing morning sitting today.
The last in the series of four K talks at the foundation, with some discussion afterwards: What s our reaction? Why do we watch? What are we aiming for? Is there a judgement in our stating ‘the world is in conflict’? etc etc. A French visitor joining us, pushing the ‘back to nature’ solution to our humankind woes.
Lunch with Dave, Maya, Valatin, people I don’t normally mix with. Talking about what classical music means, and stuff, still buzzing from the dialogue before. My first rota of the year; lots of new students learning the ways. It’s learn as you go with rota.
Sleep. Back to work. Typed the interview with Mary Z Jerome wants for the 20th anniversary booklet. Donna found 800 Swiss francs among the stuff to send to Frances who is staying in Ojai. Eyes sore from too much computers, not enough resting them during the day. Will get another countdown clock to remind me to take breaks at work.
Evening sitting in too-cool quiet room. Initial resistance and catch up thoughts change to a sense of nowhere to go, to a sense of where am I, not location, but sense of self, into thoughts, bam! back to ‘me’ again with a release of energy as wandering stops, into noticing subtle thoughts continue even when apparently ‘not thinking’. That half hour is the most interesting of the day.
Falling Awake 