10

Angry on waking, and caught up in it on first sitting down. I remembered that it cannot be solved at the same level, mixed up in it, and I realised that any attempt to even approach things with a solution in mind is not the way to go. I was then able to observe it more neutrally and before long begin the vipassana practice of moving attention from head to feet and from feet to head with the understanding of annica. The not-new revelation that thought swims quickly away from any sensation, even from simple awareness of any given body part. This swimming away can be seen too, and as time goes on, the unecessaryness of it becomes obvious, without ‘doing’ anything about it. So the movements away lessen of their own accord and attention can remain on sensation without these modifications of the mind and avoidance techniques. These reactions of thought scatter and disperse the natural quiet of the mind. Mere sensation is enough for the mind to go into a tailspin and a mild flurry of ‘not this, not this’, running around like a headless chicken. Not to condemn this headless chicken but to see clearly that this behaviour is divisive, scattering and uses so much energy. So, it’s not about controlling thought but of seeing it; not seeing from a place of judgement but seeing of itself.  

11

Fearful dreams, nothing new, but what was new was that I was not running but steadily watching what was unfolding in the dreams, almost as if meditation was occurring within the dream itself, or at least an observation. I was no longer at the mercy of fear as has been common in my dreams for years.

This still observation carried forward into the morning sit, the organising brain going over some unresolved work issues that need to be addressed. Again fear wrapped up with these but a sense of laying the issues out so that they are easily visible, the consequences of hiding things away very apparent and therefore such action would be worthless.

Then the theme of ‘where am I going with this meditation thing?’ clear that any notion of where it ends or where it leads is false, and in fact a positively bonkers fantasy. The projected fantasy of some state or way of life in the future, and also a debilitating fear of where I might be going. Both equally false. 

Awareness steady as I moved over the body, less of the flitting about from place to place that has been happening. Strong energies unfolding from the base of the torso, rippling through the rest of the body, so overwhelming that in moments I just don’t know what is happening or where I am. Brand new in flowering energetic movements. Sit through it, sit through it, easy now. And the sciatic pains in the right leg and buttock. Sit through it, sit through it, easy now. And back up through the torso, a hoop of awareness almost complete, gliding upwards until what would be tight shoulders, upper back and neck but could not be felt, like they were nothing. Surprises all the way that things are not what I think there are, sensations are new now, not of the past. Alive.