Meditation Journal – Day 25

Vipassana Meditation Day 25

am 1hr

A complete novice. There is no progress or advancement in this, not really. Each time it’s a man sitting down in a corner of a bedroom. He’s been told a few things, two basically: awareness, equanimity. He’s been taught a technique of moving attention through the body. In a context of: everything changes. And that’s about it. Oh, and someone told me that the observer is the observed, many times. So I found myself sat in a familiar place but unfamiliar with what to do, what happens here. It’s about suffering, misery. Those things I know are true but do my damnedest to avoid. Suffering of the mind and body, of the organism. Why is this? Why is there suffering when all that’s happening is that a body is sat on a cushion of a morning? What’s happening? The first clue was tension. In my mind. Tension and a kind of anxious desire to move, to be somewhere else – asleep? On a beach? In some kind of heaven? Doesn’t really matter where, just move! It’s beautiful how this practice strips that option away, physically at least. One doesn’t move. One can change position. I learnt a while ago that that does nothing. Change position in the mind then. That’s what I’ve been doing for all these years. I haven’t found a position there with no suffering. All the places are the same no matter how pleasuarable. So that’s another beauty of this practice: the obviousness of escape, of craving and aversion, in the light of physical stillness, awareness and equanimity as it is. There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, outwardly and inwardly. The agitation, the slight discomfort in the legs, the stiff neck and upper back, the emotion, the parts of me pretending it’s all right but knows it’s not, the part that knows it all is all right but pretends it’s not. It’s all me and here I am, showing up perhaps for the first time, more than half way through the given life expectancy of a man in the UK. Never could be any other way. There’s no other way. Etc.

pm 1hr

Conversation elements from the day reverberating.

Some kind of insistence of coming back to the breath soon dropping away.

Who cares?

Who’s to say come back?

Rather, let it peter out of it’s own accord, the to and fro of thought.

The following of a thought.

A bright idea I had in India once.

And did it.

Then and now.

After many twists and turns, a bumpy ride, the thought led me to a shouting voice, calling over and over like a dog barking.

Shouting words I can’t remember. Pointless words taking a lot of energy.

That finished pretty quick and… I was in.

What was me anymore wasn’t clear but I was in, at the deeper levels of the organism,

Brain and body and whatever else we have.

Moving down, exploring, no pushing, no shoulding.

I was in at the service levels, feeling, staying, sensing, gentle.

Repair work being undertaken, not by me but under the light now there because I was there.

Thoughts rippling in at times carrying, at times not. In from where, to where.

Then stillness in the mind, sustained, while parts of the body called out and were heard.

This is healing, there’s no doubt about it.

Changing. Changing.

 

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