Meanwhile, in 1997… Torn Between This and The Other

All around is apparent evidence that normality is actuality.
People seem OK, mostly, muddling on, the shops open and close, the days go by.
Unless you explore and delve and experience you may not know anything different, living in blissful(?) ignorance the best you can, not exploring your fear, no sense of wonder.
Or the sense of wonder is easily satiated with some words by those in the know.
Much more fun to find out for yourself, opening up so many questions that the mind boggles.
And once you have opened the door how can you go back?
It doesn’t work that way.
A peak into the other, invalidating the ordinary life of satisfaction and decay.
The sense of nagging, the sense that I should be doing something else, a yearn, a drive.
I am torn between worlds and do not know how to reconcile the split.
The separation between the other and the normal hurts me so much.
Advice is out of the question because who really knows how to live?
Will it be like this forever?
I need some commitment.
But – oh! – the pain of criticism and the uncertainty of it all!
It tears at me and the pain is constant.
Loneliness? Where are my people?
I have no idea who or where they are. I make no attempt to find them, except those who fall into my circles of friendship.
I live in fear and console myself with the, possibly true, assertion that I need no one.
Perhaps it is not loneliness but a more general fear.
Can fear exist on its own?
I don’t think so.
The feeling that I am not doing the right thing, in relation to – what? – my conditioning and ideals I have set, dreams and aspirations.
And thought running through it all.
And sometimes another way of being, of bliss, before thought comes back.
This is what I want to be.
Otherwise life consists of chucking stuff into my senses, criticising, enjoying, rationalising and… going round and round.
There is a big difference between understanding and ideas.
Understanding is final, done.
Ideas are a fucking pain because you can never become an idea. They go on forever, subtly changing.
People’s ideas of me are different than my own and the actuality is different from them both.
Body, energy, waves, vibes seem much truer to me than thought, ideas, faith and trust.
Don’t use spirituality as an escape. It it there, yes, but it is not an escape.
Go through the pain, learn.
It is not a crime to be you.


One thought on “Meanwhile, in 1997… Torn Between This and The Other

  1. Hope you don’t mind me commenting, but that was very moving. I can’t think of a better word to describe it! A stark but honest view that I am coming to in my own way – thanks for sharing. Hope you have what seems truer to you.

    The last line really hit a nerve. Thank you!

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