The ache has lifted today. This morning I was giggly and well. This evening I said to myself think whatever you would like to think, I am not going to steer. To my surprise I was then very quiet, not thinking about very much at all. I prefer this approach than the rather stern critical approach when thinking has gone too far and one jumps out of it, with a hit of condemnation. Who am I to condemn my thought? And why do I jump out of thought? Usually when it gets too uncomfortable. So it is an interesting game I play, when sitting all alone. And the rest of the time I am not so different. Just busier. This evening, the excuses: oh, it’s Friday night, maybe the rule can be that I don’t have to do it on Fridays. But did it I did, because I want to. It seems relentless, this day after day, twice a day, but already it is entering the rest of my life, with clarity and stability.

Sometimes there is nowhere to go, and the dimension changes from linear thinking to another direction into itself or out of itself or both or neither. Those times seem entirely different to normal thinking times.

I am in pain. I feel it strongly. I suspected it was there, felt it often, but after three days and just 3 hours in total, it has come to the surface. When asked, I described it as an existential pain – it is a general pain, not something specific hurting. I am in pain. Sitting is the hardest thing one can do, for sure.

Yesterday went so smoothly compared to today. Why is sitting still the hardest thing to do? How long have I been on the run? It seems like forever. Today I was reluctant to sit, easier to just carry on with a normal day. But sit I did, and sit I will continue to do, no matter what. It has to be done whatever the weather. Stormy days are no excuse. I am not being tough about it, just stating what is necessary. Quite why it is necessary I am not sure. I don’t know what will happen, but I feel like it is the most important thing to do in this day and age, just to stop for a while each day and see what I am up to. There seems to be an endless supply of ammunition for thinking – all these memories, all those image and films and TV and whatever else. Of course, it is not to remove all this somehow, but maybe to allow the usual reaction to have a conscious alternative. I don’t know, I’m making this up. My heard hurt in the evening sitting, intensity ant the front so that there was nothing to do but feel it. No choice.

I appreciated the space to just be with myself, no pressure to do anything, and no pressure not to think or to watch the breath or any other of those ‘meditation’ type activities. It is easy to feel the pressures I am putting on myself when still, and opportunity for them to release. It’s like there is a continual dream state going on under waking consciousness and it is revealed when I stop doing, and then, suddenly, a mysterious concern hidden a second ago is there before me and is over as quickly as it was realised, leaving a feeling of expansion and ease.

I am blessed to have a dedicated quiet room in the place where I work, so aim to use that as much as possible. Directly before and after work seem to be good times. That’s what I did today. It’s hard to remember all what happens, but I’ll attempt to communicate something of it.

Starting from tomorrow, I am going to begin an experiment. I am going to sit still for one hour per day, in two periods of 30 minutes every day, eyes closed. The aim, should there be one, is to find out what meditation is. Having listened to Krishnamurti for around ten years, it is high time to allow what he is talking about to gain some purchase. The tendency is to keep moving no matter what. I feel if I stop, purposefully, something may catch up and take hold, like preparing the soil. Enough said for now. I aim to report here what happens…