Kind of like a birthday present, the 27th day of the course is relaxation, breath and candle gazing. I really like the candle gazing; I hadn’t done it for a long long time. Darken the room, look at the flame of a candle without moving the eyes or head for about two minutes. Extinguish the flame and close your eyes. You will see the image of the flame. Keep looking upon this image. It will fade every now and then but you will find it again. The colours are amazing, and the image will subtly change over the course of the watching. It seems like a universe away and it seems closer than anything you have ever seen. It’s to aid concentration, but I prefer it as an aid to let go of any concentrating and just see.

Hittleman:

The individual is freed from the terribly confining limitations of what she has heretofore conceived of as me or I and the necessity of protecting the phantom known as the ego.

Krishnamurti:

When we are aware of ourselves, is not the whole movement of living a way of uncovering the me, the ego, the self? The self is a very complex process which can be uncovered only in relationship, in our daily activities, in the way we talk, the way we judge, calculate, the way we condemn others and ourselves. All that reveals the conditioned state of our own thinking, and is it not important to be aware of this whole process?

Woke from dreams of military hardware, huge vehicles that could roll over anything, hundreds of them converging at Avebury to meet the media.

The days are strange, the nights are weird.

It’s day 26, of 28 – only a relaxation day and full review now left of the course. The daily asana will continue though. Today: ‘advanced’ positions.

Hittleman:

Every movement and aspect of yoga is completely natural, designed solely for development of human potential.

Krishnamurti:

Under the shelter of an authority, a guide, you may have temporarily a sense of security, a sense of well-being, but that is not the understanding of the total process of oneself. Authority in its very nature prevents the full awareness of oneself and therefore ultimately destroys freedom; in freedom alone can there be creativeness.

So, yeah, you’ll hit some walls, probably firewalls; you are going to get burned. That’s pretty tough and it’s the only way in this yoga thing. Or the only way I know. I am suspecting that the hard part, the burning, is my own resistance to what wants to be released. The holding on. When I stay with it and breath, or just take it easy and allow, the feeling fades in awareness. Or rather, the feeling is still there but my reaction to it entirely changes.

I rested the whole day yesterday, sleeping most of the morning, on and off, otherwise breathing, relaxing, then watching recorded TV and two movies in bed. Somewhere during Jules et Jim, evening time, the shift came and there was light once more, something like hope, a thrill in my heart for life. This morning I took the asana very gently, feeling a little weak and slightly dizzy at times. Why go through any of this? Because the alternative, staying safe, comfortable, keeping any real feelings at a distance, is a horror, is not living, is a life-half lived. I know this. I am interested in a whole life. That seems to involve some inner ‘work’. Which may not require any work at all – the hardest and the easiest thing.

Hittleman:

We derive the most benefit from our sleep when it is deep and restful. One hour of deep sleep is worth many hours of fitful tossing and turning. The bed should be as firm as the body will tolerate; the head raised only slightly to permit good circulation. The stomach should be empty, which means no eating for two hours before retiring; this includes hot milk, cocoa, tea. You cannot sleep restfully if the digestive system has to work.

Krishnamurti:

Without self-knowledge, experience breeds illusion; with self-knowledge, experience, which is the response to challenge, does not leave a cumulative residue as memory. Self-knowledge is the discovery from moment to moment of the ways of the self, its intentions and pursuit, its thoughts and appetites. There can never be “your experience” and “my experience”; the very term “my experience” indicates ignorance and the acceptance of illusion.

One problem with following a course in a book is the disproportionate time it takes for some classes. Today’s review took one and a half hours, including the sitting still. Some days take only 20 minutes. I’m feeling pretty exhausted and… unusual. Major yoga class at the school on Friday and today’s mega review. It’s not the asana itself which is tiring for me but what it can bring up. There will be some dark days, some detoxing, some build up before release is possible again. It goes in cycles.

Hittleman:

Select a day during which you can rest and relax. Eat nothing at all for that day, simply drink pure water whenever thirsty.

Krishnamurti:

If you want to know what you are, you cannot imagine or have belief in something which you are not. If I am greedy, envious, violent, merely having an ideal of non-violence, of non-greed, is of little value…. The understanding of what you are, whatever it be – ugly or beautiful, wicked or mischievous – the understanding of what you are, without distortion, is the beginning of virtue.

Problem areas. One of mine is the hamstrings. If you have been practising yogasana for fifteen years you are supposed to be able to touch your toes, right? Right?? Well I can’t. And it doesn’t matter. Stretching, breathing into, relaxing the muscles is the important thing. Devarshi, the instructor on the Kripalu Teacher Training course has a good point. He said that the health of the body doesn’t come from the limbs but from the torso. This is because it holds all but one of the major organs, the nervous system, spine, and you know, all the main stuff (apart from the brain box). The impressive yoga postures do fancy things with the limbs. Everyone asks a yogi: Can you put your foot behind you head? Well, no I can’t, and I don’t really want to. You look daft doing that, and it doesn’t do you that much good. So on I go, gently manipulating the torso, the organs, the spine in different ways, getting healthier. And yes, the limbs get a nice stretch too.

Hittleman is talking about smoking today, but one can substitute any habit:

It is very difficult to overcome any habit through the application of will power. This approach is fraught with a continual inner conflict, and failure usually leaves a person feeling guilty and inadequate. The practice of yoga frequently decreases and eventually eliminates the desire for smoking. This occurs in a natural, subtle manner, often hardly noticed by the student. One day she discovers that, “I’ve lost the taste for it.”

Krishnamurti:

Self-knowledge is obviously a process, not an end in itself; and to know oneself, one must be aware of oneself in action, which is relationship. You discover yourself, not in isolation, not in withdrawal, but in relationship-in relationship to society, to your wife, your husband, your brother, to man; but to discover how you react, what your responses are, requires an extraordinary alertness of mind, a keenness of perception.

I am into the fourth week of the course, with only six days to go. On January 1st, it wasn’t so much a resolution to ‘do’ yoga every day because I find resolutions are made by one part of me and another part will sooner or later rebel, and the good intention will come crashing down. The good intention is often a bully in disguise, riddled with should. So, rather than a resolution it was something to play with, grounded in the knowing that it is a beneficial step to have a sustained daily practice.

I put ‘do’ yoga in quotes because yoga isn’t really an activity, at least for me. The way the word is used generally is describing an activity, like tennis is used to describe a sport. Rather, the word yoga is like a result, not something you can do yourself. It’s like the word tao. You don’t do tao, it happens. Yoga happens. Sometimes. And is encouraged by the physical yoga, the asana.

It’s term time at the school, meaning there is a weekly class for staff this evening. I plan to add to this with my own class, maybe on Sundays. Instead of ‘yoga’, I will advertise it as yogasana, the physical movements leading, possibly, to yoga. Except no one will really know what the poster is on about… But I like the term.

Hittleman:

The intelligence and wisdom that lie within will make you acutely aware of those things that are of benefit to your organism and those that are harmful.

Krishnamurti:

Even when I have rejected all the outward expressions of authority – books, teachers, priests, churches, beliefs – I still have the feeling that at least I can rely on my own judgment, on my own experiences, on my own analysis. But can I rely on my experience, on my judgment, on my analysis? My experience is the result of my conditioning, just as yours is the result of your conditioning, is it not? I may have been brought up as a Muslim or a Buddhist or a Hindu, and my experience will depend on my cultural, economic, social, and religious background, just as yours will. And can I rely on that?

A potential contradiction between the quotes today. And yet Hittleman speaks of something beyond knowledge and authority. I.e. Intelligence and wisdom are not related to authority and accumulated knowledge.

I’m sure we are meant to sleep longer this time of year. In winter, I need way more than the eight hours I usually like and get. Today is one of those days when I know I won’t fully shake the dreams my brain was doing in the night. All kinds of craziness in there.

My brother posted a great cartoon yesterday from webcomic xkcd about how casually we take dreaming. A guy is about to take a nap:

“I’m gonna go comatose for a few hours, hallucinate vividly, then maybe suffer amnesia about the whole experience.”

How weird is that? Sometimes I want to sleep forever and let the whole shebang unwind to some kind of sanity.

So, I was half asleep through asana this morning, as the third week comes to an end. Pretty pleased: yoga every day for three weeks.

Hittleman:

Turn your attention inward, become sensitive to the true requirements of your organism and learn how to fulfil those needs.

Krishnamurti:

Authority of any kind is blinding, it breeds thoughtlessness; and as most of us find that to be thoughtful is to have pain, we give ourselves over to authority. Authority engenders power, and power always becomes centralized and therefore utterly corrupting; it corrupts not only the wielder of power, but also him who follows it.

Now I am going to snatch another hour’s hallucination before work…

This compulsion to keep moving. To keep moving within, if not without. What is driving it? What if it’s nothing very much? What if we were spooked once and from there fled? And have been fleeing ever since? Stopping outwardly, the movement inwardly becomes very clear. And then not moving towards the source of it, but not moving away from it. And no effort to stay in one place. Careful listening to what is going on. Simple. Kind. The simplest thing may be the most difficult. And yet it isn’t difficult, because it’s simple.

Massive review today of twenty postures – appropriate for the twentieth day of the course.

Hittleman:

Since no two people are alike (and it is important to understand this statement in its most profound sense), the necessity of learning to truly ‘Know Thyself’ can be appreciated. Knowing oneself entails turning away more and more from those outside sources that want to tell you what to do, and in place of these, undertaking a perceptive self-examination.

Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 20 Jan:

Why do we accept, why do we follow? We follow another’s authority, another’s experience and then doubt it; this search for authority and its sequel, disillusionment, is a painful process for most of us. We blame or criticise the once accepted authority, the leader, the teacher, but we do not examine our own craving for an authority who can direct our conduct. Once we understand this craving we shall comprehend the significance of doubt.

Today was all about side bends: rotations from the waist, triangle, side bends with arms raised, side bends while sitting, leg lifts from lying on the side, and some twists.

It’s become automatic to do yoga every day, which is one of the reasons I am doing a course from a book rather than just what I feel like doing, or some existing routines. I have tended to stop after a few days before restarting. The course gives a little prompt at first, and now I wouldn’t want to start the day any other way. My body moves with more ease, my neck and shoulders are unwinding, I feel taller, stronger and more nimble. I like that word nimble.

The Hittleman book is largely aimed at the women’s health market, and discusses beauty quite a bit. It is also old fashioned in places, talking about the housewife at home, the husband in the office. Despite this, it is a great yoga book/course. From a page today on Beauty:

A beautiful woman radiates from within; her complexion glows and her eyes shine. Her movements are graceful, they flow with a natural rhythm. The entire body of a self-realised woman will be beautiful because she is deeply aware of her inner beauty, and this awareness is transferred to all who come into contact with her. The humility, compassion and love of a beautiful woman are genuine, and a mystical quality is present.

Krishnamurti:

We listenwith hope and fear; we seek the light of another but are not alertly passive to be able to understand. If the liberated seems to fulfill our desires we accept him; if not, we continue our search for the one who will. What most of us desire is gratification at different levels. What is important is not how to recognize one who is liberated but how to understand yourself. No authority here or hereafter can give you knowledge of yourself; without self-knowledge there is no liberation from ignorance, from sorrow.

Back to work today after the on-off Christmas and New Year period, followed by our staff retreat. Waking up at 0630 with the daylight alarm. It’s less of a surprise that way, with the light slowly increasing for half an hour before the alarm itself.

This week sees the grouping of postures for different parts of the body. Yesterday the spine, today face and neck followed by balances. ‘For health, beauty, poise and balance’ as he puts it. One testing balance, holding one leg bent behind while the other arm stretches above while you look up. Like a vertical Dancer’s Posture. Confusingly, perhaps, a crouching sequence with palms together on the crown is called the Dancer in Hittleman’s book.

Hittleman:

Refined sugar products, coffee, alcoholic beverages and an over-abundance of high protein are to be considered as artificial stimulants and will, in the long view, deplete the life-force.

Krishnamurti:

If we can understand the compulsion behind our desire to dominate or to be dominated then perhaps we can be free from the crippling effects of authority.

The ugly, the sad, the joyous, the exhilarating, the dark, the funny, the weird, the enticing. All the thoughts and feelings are close by. Asana somehow raises the energy level allowing the experience of all of this, and much more. And a lot of the time I don’t want to feel them, I just want to carry on in a little bubble of okayness. And this is the work of yoga, the exposing, the releasing, the allowing and the observation, understanding, of all we are. It’s right there, and a yoga practice will put us in touch with it whether we like it or not. I suspect this is why people give yoga a try and then quit pretty soon. It can get tough, even in the gentleness. Breathing really helps. No matter what is happening, the breathing really helps. And there’s nothing to learn unless I am in touch.

Hittleman:

You can be assured that in stimulating the life-force you are increasing your organism’s healing power, and this is the esoteric explanation for the marked improvement in health that is so often experienced by yoga students.

Krishnamurti:

An idea is not a fact, it is a fiction. God is a fiction; you may believe in it but it is still a fiction. But to find God you must completely destroy the fiction because the old mind is the mind that is frightened, is ambitious, is fearful of death, of living, and of relationship; and it is always … seeking a permanency, security.

I chose to breathe fully throughout the whole practice, extending the inhalation to the maximum extent and then a long, smooth exhalation to the every end. All the air out. Before too long it wasn’t a choice but a natural, full breath. I didn’t feel any of the usual nervous energy around the solar plexus, nor in my mind. I felt energy move to where it was needed. I breathed into any tight muscles and noticed them releasing. The breaths got very long; in the pauses between postures maybe only two breaths per minute. There was no avoiding feeling whatever was going on.

Another review day. There are now too many postures to fit into one session; today’s took over one hour.

Hittleman:

The very patient and cautious self-manipulation of the joints, coupled with the elimination of foods that might be the cause of ‘deposits’ could greatly decrease arthritis symptoms and even approach a natural cure.

Krishnamurti:

Virtue has no authority. The social morality is no morality at all; it’s immoral because it admits competition, greed, ambition, and therefore society is encouraging immorality. Virtue is something which transcends morality.

Into the second half of the course. I decided again to practice in the afternoon, in the period after dialoge and before supper. But overall it seems more suitable for the morning, to start the day with something other than getting ready, so reverting to the earlier starts tomorrow. This is our last full day in the Lake District. Tomorrow, the 7 hour drive back to Hampshire.

Feeling a bit spaced out during the practice, and now. Not really thinking so much, not really present, a bit vague. But a good stretch regardless. I suspect the sugar in the egg mayo at lunch.

A good walk in the slushy snow around Tarn Hows this morning. Raining, sleeting. The thaw has begun after three weeks or more of freezing temperatures.

Hittleman:

You are now at a point where your sensitivity is heightened to all things that are occurring in your organism. You will become very aware that what you are eating has a pronounced effect on the way your feel and act. After some meals you will observe that you are alive and energised whereas others will leave you heavy, dull, lethargic in body and mind.

Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 15 January:

To destroy is to create. We must destroy … the psychological, the unconscious and the conscious defences, securities that one has built up rationally, individually, deeply and superficially. We must tear through all that to be utterly defenceless, because you must be defenceless to love and have affection.

I am really appreciating this staff retreat. We spend time each day listening to an audio of someone passionate about life and the possibility of revolution in consciousness. We spend time in the afternoon talking together in a group of 25 about subjects such as Doubt, Love, Attachment, Learning. We spend time in nature, we spend time alone in our rooms. We have time. And of course, a retreat isn’t really a retreat from anything but a step towards something more authentic which mightn’t be so possible or probable during the workaday life.

Yoga today was in the afternoon after the dialogue meeting. The introduction of the Bow. The intensity of the energy generated in the previous discussion of serious matters was able to move as it needed as I proceeded through the physical postures.

I am so grateful to live in a serious and responsible community and to be able to come away for these retreats together.

Hittleman:

If we do not experience satisfaction from our work, if work is continual drudgery and without meaning, we become irritable, frustrated and depressed.

Extract from Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 14 January:

There is a totally different way of learning … but to understand it and to learn in this different way, you must be completely rid of authority, otherwise you will merely be instructed and you will repeat what you have heard.

Woke early, around 0430 and that was the time for today’s practice. The introduction of the shoulderstand, my favourite posture. Since the Kripalu Teacher Training Course I have much prefered the half shoulderstand. It is much easier on the neck, the weight being taken by the shoulders and elbows and is therefore far safer. And it can be done safely by almost everyone, and without props. If I include it in a routine, it enhances the practice and I feel the effects throughout the day, a lasting peace, clarity, relaxation. Just from inverting the body for a minute, or five.

It’s the all-day hike today so in a little bit of a rush to write. We are headed toward Weatherlam…

Hittleman:

The heart is usually pumping against gravity to circulate blood to the vital organs and glands situated above it. With the body in the inverted positions, those organs and glands are now below the heart. The effect of this simple manoeuvre on the entire organism is truly remarkable.

From Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 13 January:

Learning is always in the active present; it has no past.

If you eat chickpea tagine the evening before, your yoga will be farty.

Today was a review day, going over the 15 postures learnt so far on the 28-day course. I very much enjoyed it, the opening and the fluidity of the breath. It felt good. Again, it was difficult getting up into the winter morning, seeming like the middle of the night when the ‘alarm’ went off at 0645. Waking up to an alarm. That’s kind of alarming.

Hittleman:

The chief sources of life-force are: air, water, sleep, food and sunlight. … The yogi is concerned not with the amount of food but with the amount of life-force in that food.

May the force be with you!

Krishnamurti, Book of Life, from 12 January:

What is learning and what is the acquisition of knowledge? Learning is never accumulative. You cannot store up learning and then from that storehouse act. You learn as you are going along. Therefore there is never a moment of retrogression or deterioration or decline.

Didn’t want to get up into the cold tower room at 7. Could have slept for a few more hours. But we are on our staff week and there’s set breakfast times and our group are on cleanup after each meal today. So that, rather than anything like the love of life, got me out of bed this morning. What is that motive to get up? A fearful ‘should’, or a genuine interest in the day ahead? What is your first thought on waking?

In cobra, from the final position, after sustaining it several breaths, gently bend the elbows a little and slowly turn to look at your right foot for a few breaths, inhale back to centre, pressing up into the final pose, then repeat the twist the left side. I find this gets right in under and around the shoulder blades; a lovely stretch.

Hittleman:

Upon conclusion, sit quietly and focus your full attention on how you feel. What effect have these profound physical movements had upon your organism? What is your body saying to you? … This is an exercise in feeling, not thinking.

Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 11 Jan:

There is no learning if thought originates from conclusions.

Yoga this morning in the Tower Suite of Yewfield Guest House in the Lake District. New postures on the course today are the Locust and Side Bend. It was very cold – didn’t want to get out of bed. The northeast wind whistling past my elevated position.

Hittleman:

Most people are finding it more and more difficult to let go even when they are supposed to be relaxing and having a good time. This is because all of the anxious and irritating experiences that have piled up during the day refuse to take a temporary leave. You cannot relax on-cue. Consequently it is not relaxation that is sought, but rather escape, and the result is that tons of drugs and oceans of alcoholic drinks are now consumed each year.

Krishnamurti, from Book of Life, 10 January:

Doesn’t learning imply something new, something that I don’t know, and am learning? If I am merely adding to what I already know, it is no longer learning.

We are on our annual staff week. After breakfast we listened to an audio recording of J. Krishnamurti, from 1979, speaking about prejudice, the known, ideas and the blocking of direct perception. Then a walk to Tarn Hows. I went ice skating on the frozen lake.

Thermal underwear on.

Mind all over the place, thinking about this and that, random remembrances popping in, all the while the body is doing its stretches. Could have done with a couple more hours sleep; I think I was still dreaming as I practised. What is a daydream?

Day 7, full cobra and increased seated forward fold. The yoga takes about half an hour each morning, plus sitting time afterwards. Stiff after clearing a tree yesterday that had fallen across the lane at Dell.

Minus eight celcius again this morning when I left the chickens out. They are very tentative as they leave the warm coop, standing on the plank, eating snow, and not moving very far. It took one a few minutes to jump off the gangway, standing on the edge in a ‘do I, don’t I?’ diving board type of situation. She did, then ran over to the feeder. Glad the small wild birds have also found the grain pellets there. We are deep in snow; the most I’ve seen since a child. All looks ballooned and clean, apart from the poos.

Hittleman on the modern condition: “tense, irritable, overweight, flabby, depressed, and complaining of many aches and pains.” And this in 1969. Has it got any better?

Yoga is the perfect answer since only a brief, enjoyable period is necessary to overcome tension on a daily basis. Yoga will not drain energy; it’s movements are pleasant and stimulating.

Krishnamurti, Book of Life, 7 Jan:

You are listening to yourself and not the speaker. If you are listening to the speaker, he becomes your leader, your way to understanding – which is a horror, an abomination, because you have established the hierarchy of authority.