I feel so differently to those around me. Went to Chris’s band’s 4th gig [Virgin Soldiers], at Docs. I filmed it for them. Didn’t want to go. People getting drunk, loud rock music, etc, etc. Came back when it had finished and after Chris had been headbutted. They are all downstairs now making a hell of a lot of noise.

Wrote a letter to J along the lines of ‘I am not in common with anyone and didn’t want to socialize’. Not with anyone, really. Is there something wrong with me? It usually makes me uncomfortable. Why is this? Should I attempt to overcome this or ‘run away’? Maybe it is just the type of socializing. I am not interested in what most people consider fun, but it can make me feel so alone. Will that go? Should I go away? Thought of getting a loan to buy a camper van. I could live in that. Would I be lonely? How can I find people of like mind? Is there anyone of like mind?

But generally I have been very happy. I am much more with it, physically. Eating better. No drink for one month or more. Still smoke when others are smoking. Loud shouts outside. I must just do what feels right. Try to ignore the others. In the long term, perhaps it won’t seperate me. Perhaps that is the way. Yes it is. Can I sleep now, with all this? Peaceful states of mind when lying alone. Only tonight has this stress manifested, a result of feeling an outsider, and the general noise and indeed chaos. Have no part in it. Feel better now. Interest in Buddhism but more so, Krishnamurti, standing alone but not isolated. I’ll put my headphones on now until the noise has gone. Ringing in my ears from Docs. There is nothing wrong in being alone, and in any case I am not, really.