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Slept well, and through to beyond five for the first time in a while. Yoga nidra with Steve Wolf, which is a good steady 45 minute one.

AM 1 hour

Five minutes in I suddenly realised my car was parked directly outside the entrance, so I decided to go move it right then so that it was not in the way of any early leavers / arouse staff curiosity. Moreover I was embarrassed to have left it there in the moving in excitement. 

Back on the cushion, the timer reset, there was much more of a sense of space than of late. But big awkwardness deep in the shoulders and neck, and in the lower back. Tummy still sharp inside but less so and the upper abdomen pretty tight.

I breathed through the first 15 minutes, 5 in, 11 out, sometimes some moans and groans on exhaling. Second 15 was moving through the body, thoughts scattered here and there, remembering fears then somehow gone for a while.

Third 15 lingering on neck a minute or two, then on that tight upper belly. At some point there was a sudden realisation of how scattered, all over the place I was and immediately it ceased, the jumping around. As if the bag of jumping beans I was sat on was suddenly calm and not propelled about. Then fear was a tangible sensation in the belly and chest. On lingering it felt like nausea, too sickly sweet, a little fuzzy. A wondering: is this all it is, what all the fuss is about, a sensation? Strong and unpleasant as it may be. Such power over the brain, thoughts and decisions, managing it, keeping it at bay and at the same time wanting it gone.

Fear may be a simple thing, complexified.

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