A bit more than a week in to a sort of retreat. It’s not really a retreat, I’m working and doing everything I want as usual but it is a retreat in the sense I’m sitting consistently for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. It’s taken this long, a week, for a restlessness to settle, for some agonies to dissipate. The restlessness seemed to be powered by discomfort in the body, the discomfort seemed to stem from locked in tension.
So as I’ve been sat these eight days I was bouncing off very many sensations, pinballing about in a state of agitation. It’s been a great relief for this to ease day by day, sit by sit until finally this morning I am back to a relative cruise through the hour. Now the tensions are clearer, isolated in definite spots like right thigh, tops of shoulder, back of the neck, and attention is steadier as I linger in those areas. Same in the mind, sticky episodes and locked loops can be felt and in awareness allowed to unravel and fall away, lose their structure and nerve-bound integrity.
With the regular lengthy sitting my choices are clearer and I can go through the day less muddled about what I want and what needs doing and what’s unnecessary. There’s a steadiness and grounding readily available, accessible in a pause rather than yearning for it and waiting for a calmness at the end of the workday. I find myself in brief moments realising I am free and there is nothing to fear. A taste of possibility.
All of which is exactly what I wanted in this downtime between college and university. I have my place on the level five course, just waiting for the level three certificate from Winchester.
Lunch, appropriately in the retreat centre, which will soon become regular with one or two slots per week, to have more staff mixing with guests.
Editing work today, which really suits me. I can get stuck in and it’s enjoyable. Although today was noisey with the offices being fitted with upgraded ethernet, with fibre connecting with the school and beyond.
Proper yoga this evening, an hour. Mum rang and we chatted half an hour, updating on her visit next month and how Gran and Grandpa are. They’re still not wanting assistance and grandpa is refusing a walking frame despite his hip, and still doing all the cleaning.
This evening’s sit was harder, as usual for the evening with so much to undo itself, even with these mellow retreat-like days. But I’m doing it, showing up no matter how I’m feeling and staying with it. This is what matters.