170713 Criticism in meditation 

Sleep 93%. I was asleep before 2200 and the nightly wake up was, surprisingly and unusually, at around midnight. I slept with my eye mask on and so there was no dawn waking. I felt pretty much fully awake to get up at 0630.

AM 1 hour

I may criticise myself for lapsing into fantasy or thought: 

‘I should be present’ 

I may then criticise myself for criticising myself: 

‘I should return to the present easily, naturally’

I may then criticise for being critical at all: 

‘I should be kind to myself’

All are equal in their quality of ‘should’ and none is simple enough. The fact is that there was fantasy or thought. There is nothing wrong. The fantasy itself has its own quality, its suchness. The waking from this and the sharp or subtle criticism has its own quality. And all reach for the future rather than acknowledging themselves as happening.

And then a quick burst of ‘no, one should be gentle on returning to the present’ based on some instruction given in the past or what’s worked before, forgetting that the very critical element is the reality in that moment.

Then the reverie that criticism isn’t necessary, and that too is the reality the actual going on.

To include it all and seeing that none has higher value. This neutralises the entire goings on to a mere ticking of a mechanism, the mind going round and along, perhaps pretending or under the illusion that it’s getting somewhere.

Include it all.

And then from nowhere, or from the very realisation of all this, another state springs forth, a spacious peace, clarity and openness, coupled with sublime bliss and tingles that can’t be conjured. 

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