This week has been a slow comedown and processing of everything that went on during my personal presentation at college.
It went really well! Doing it also touched me in deep places, having been afraid of that killed Be of situation for so very long.
Today in a healing session there was the six year old again, whom I’d also mentioned in the presentation, terrified in front of the class and mocked. Bullied a bit a teased by the older boys. Bowyers, Bowyers! Chasing me round the shed.
The healer was able to clear up this residue, however she works, and finally I feel integrated after the process. I haven’t quite been myself this week despite the talk being one of the most overwhelmingly positive events in my adult life. No, in my whole life.
To express what I wanted to, and do it clearly, be attended to and even enthrall and give hope was so powerful and new to me. I sat and received feedback after (we weren’t to respond to it) and I felt the love even if I still can’t remember what was said. My voice filled the room, no longer meek, my eyes no longer almost losing vision.
After each presentation we wrote messages to the speaker about the presentation and the course. These are always bound to be encouraging but I wasn’t prepared for how caring and loving mine were. It validated that I am okay, that I’m a valued member of the group, that I’m a good influence. I’m usually hovering awkward on the edge of groups, but not this time. Having avoided situations of feedback and trying not to affect and influence people for a long time, this too was overwhelming.
Maybe I’ll post my talk at some point.
I started with a simple chair yoga class which I am more comfortable leading. That went down well too.
During the healing we both felt so many dispersed and divided aspects of myself coming together in a mature(r) adult, a real integration. Hello Duncan! This has been a definite theme during the course, a course which has been so good for me on so many levels. Another theme or direction has been this stepping back into society. I no longer feel like an underachiever or dropout.
I’m now ready to be assessed this weeken, quietly confident.