So you are thinking, or,  there is thought, doing its ahead and behind thing, going over the past, planning ahead. Then you realise this and there’s a resistance, as if thought is bad somehow. The tendency then is to stay in that slightly guilty feeling for a while, thought having been stepped upon by the ‘no, you shouldn’t be thinking.’ So the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’ feeling is the master for a while, but thought will come back somehow. That’s the tendency.

How about continuing to think despite the feeling that you shouldn’t be thinking? Then you get a much more interesting situation, a game, a play between the two thoughts, more equal. The original thought cannot exactly do what it would do without the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’, and the ‘shouldn’t be thinking’ doesn’t get it’s victorious (if slightly guilty and violent) residential.

Then something new can happen because the thought won’t ‘come up’ as it’s already up and the no won’t ‘no’ because it’s already ‘no-ing’, and the game will naturally cease after a time, allowing a fresh energy and understanding, awareness.

Thought does not ‘come up’. More like ‘drives in’, but the concept of feeling of it ‘entering something’ needs to be questioned. Just because it’s a common experience doesn’t make it true.



A lingering sickness, one week now, a nausea close-by, muscles heavy and weak, digestion bubbling, farting, too loose. Spaced mind, sometimes not knowing quite where I am. Taking it easy, gently, but still stretching. I cannot stay this side of the sickness. More open to talking of my past, more open to how I’m feeling. 

Stress Relief

This morning I followed a video from Yoga Zone. If the New Zealand video was gay yoga this is definitely hot LA woman yoga. It’s led by a German-sounding guy with two leotarded yoga instructors demonstrating. It’s called Stress Relief and Conditioning. Relief. Evaporation. Release. Opening. Unwinding. It’s a little exertive at some points but generally these words are what it’s about. Since yesterday I have also been sitting still for 10-15 mins twice a day. At the end of yoga and after work in the evening sun. Breathing is key to stress relief. It becomes very apparent when breathing fully is forced. To investigate a natural breath as I stretch. Awareness of breathing, awareness of stress and tension, leads to new possibility. Awareness is not tense. Watching is tense. A little snoring during lie down.

Sunday Walk – Salt Hill

A bright sunny Sunday, a scooter ride over Old Winchester Hill and beyond into new territory to me.

After passing the mysterious, deserted, HMS Mercury, barbed wire and cold war, I parked the Vespa at Hyden cross and set off east along the South Downs Way. A shaded path along the edge of Hyden Wood before turning north, downhill towards East Meon. True Faith by New Order in my head: I feel so extraordinary, something’s got a hold on me, I get this feeling I’m in motion, a sudden sense of liberty.

The path leads down through sheep pastures to the source of the River Meon, springs forming shaded ponds. Just before that, a little dog ran out of its garden all self-important and barky, giving me a nip on the ankle, then ran off. “Little bastard!” I shouted loud in anger.

Then across the lane and up Small Down, learning a lesson from a few years back to take the easy way up – it rises 100m in about that – Small, yes, but steep. Beautiful views to East Meon.

Up on Salt Hill, paragliders floating in the blue, model gliders, hangliders lined up on the ground.

Then back past the gloom of Mercury, no doubt waiting to be redeveloped, to the  Sustainability Centre, holding The Hampshire Green Fair. Traditional crafts, games for kids, woodworkers, yurts and tepees, a band playing in a hot tent. I bought a wooden heart for Caroline and some Romany clothes pegs. Later I learnt that the nearby Leydene Park is the last stately home built in England, in the 1920s.

Swimming and yoga

I’m always heavier the morning after a swim (or surf) session, muscles a bit worn and stiff. This makes me reluctant to stretch although it is actually what I need, to elongate and stretch out the physical work of yesterday.

Grumpy on waking I didn’t want to do anything, including go back to sleep, rebelling against my life and its contents. Fed up with the whole thing. This fed up combined with natural awareness leads to understanding that all the things outwardly and inwardly will not satisfy. I can plot and plan and design a life that should lead to contentment and happiness, think about ‘good things’ but it is all clunky old thinking, clutching at straws and going back round the loop.

It’s another warm day. The pool at the school is being filled after Francisco and Julia painted it yesterday. I am going to check the outdoor pool in Petersfield; maybe go over the weekend.


One month later

One month later and it’s summer. The snow a freak dream of late spring. The sun wakes me in the mornings, pheasants and ducks in the garden, a sqwark and that half-quacky thing ducks do. Bright days, shorts and t-shirts.

The latest yoga video is from and I’ve been following it for five days straight. Not following, exactly, but working with it. I called it ‘gay yoga’ at first – two buff guys in shorts sitting together showing the poses. Gay or not, it’s a very good routine, strengthening and opening. My arms look like I’ve just been on a surf trip and the tensions in my neck are dropping away, everything changing. The narrators sound like the yogic Flight of the Conchords, that deadpan monotone understated New Zealand speak. I like it; there’s nothing to get annoyed about like most yoga videos.

Before the squence there is a cool section explaining yoga practice by dropping blue ink drops into a bowl of water. There is no noticeable effect at first, even after a week, After a month the bowl is light blue and after a year a deep blue. I am not sure what deep blue equates to… enthused by prana perhaps.

Lots of energy for insights and revelations these life-affirming days.