10 November 2014

Woke after a restful night, with dreams that even had some pleasant elements to them, gently waking up for the daylight alarm at 07:00. Showered and shaved and on November Day 10 I’m looking like this:

Photo on 10-11-2014 at 08.34 #2

Sat for one hour. I sat for one hour! First time in ages. Had a yearning. Yoga Nidra, however restful just wasn’t quite hitting the spot. Hitting the spot meaning connecting with what’s actually going on in the body and brain. Early on it seemed like touching an area or muscle linked to a recent image on TV or online, like the mid back brought zapping back images of an American Football clip I saw yesterday, the one where he throws the ball down just before the touchdown line. This continued for around half an hour, images rising and dissipating. One time a few years ago I seemed to find the source of all images in the mind, a dense repository of media and when I ‘went there’ out the tumbled, shot, volcanoed, a bombarding torrent of seemingly everything I’d seen on TV or film flying at me, through me.

Work this morning, continuing highlighting question and answer extracts in transcripts so that a volunteer can edit the audio to match. I enjoy it, and it gives me a lot of tweets for the K-quotes account I set up a few years back. Used a scheduler for the first time so all the tweets aren’t piled together. Also means I can spread some over my day off tomorrow.

Lunch and I felt like staying in the dining hall for once. Not too busy. Sat with R from the bookshop and we mostly talked shop, if wide-perspective shop. After lunch picked up my surfboard that came back from the trip in a different car, to avoid the use of soft racks. Checked out the wood stores to see if there’s enough for me to take or buy some. Also got the contact details for a local supplier. Then at home, a bit of planning for tomorrow’s London trip – checking with the banks I need to visit, then the route to Elstree studios. Yes, tomorrow I’m going inside the TV!

PM work assisting the volunteer scanning photos. We’ve been at it for 5 years or more – photos, manuscripts and articles. Also verifying a school discussion, Krishnamurti trying to get the high school kids engaged.

Home and Desikachar yoga then sat in meditation for half an hour or so, seemingly getting closer and closer to myself and then finding it difficult to distinguish between myself and how the body felt. Perhaps there is no difference and this is the relationship between mind a body – a knot in the shoulder could be a knot in the mind, and vice versa, or just a single knot.

Supper and Pointless Celebrities.

8 November 2014

Finally got up about 09:00, straight to breakfast and then painting. The skirting boards in kitchen and lounge, and the lounge cupboard doors. Soup for lunch then a snooze. Afterwards, fitted the double glazing film to the bedroom and bathroom windows, leaving the small window in each so that we can open at least a bit. Completely killed the draught and no condensation. We finally had everything tidied away again by about 19:00.

In between installed Yosemite. Hopefully it will fix the sleep/wake issues I’m still getting despite replacing the MacBook Pro.

Really liking having a log stove, at least while on weekends here. Reminds me of our old lounge when I grew up – the smell, the little fire maintenance tasks, the unique heat they give. Put some chimney clearing powder stuff on which we found behind the stove. Woo, blue flames! Bought some glass cleaner online.

Watched a little Gardners’ World – I like Monty’s dog, Nigel, best – and then some online videos, and then a little more of the Lego Movie.

Tired all day, catching up from the surf trip.

7 November 2014

Movember Day 7. Entering new length territory, albeit with some patchiness.

Movember Day 7

 

Vaguely aware of C’s sunlight alarm at 06:00, but was pretty much asleep until 07:30. Yoga nidra, and was falling asleep by the end and wanting to snooze into the morning. But I had an appointment in Winchester for 10:00. After a wash and breakfast we drove from Old Alresford, surprised how quickly one can get to the city. After the appointment, looked for hiking socks but only Rohan survives – Blacks and Millets gone. Found a really nice coat  that I’ll maybe get for xmas or maybe buy before then.

Came back via the Worthys to buy log bags ahead of getting a big order or collecting some from Brockwood. Really good garden centre/farm shop called The Good Life. Had a fire with some of the ash wood tonight – what a treat a log burner is! So adjustable yet all the fire building fun of an open fire.

Lunch of a mushroom pie I’d bought from a pie shop in a trailer in Winchester, then a snooze (of course). Painting time! C did the back door and I did the end window of the lounge, or the walls around it. Supper and Pointless on iPlayer through the Wii. Hard to believe I’ll be in that same studio come Tuesday! In the audience, not competing – at least not yet…

Looking at Devon hotels for the Birthday trip gift we didn’t take this year. Decided on Jan/Feb rather than this year.

Due to grooves in the memory foam mattress and it being too sinky now, we decided to turn it over and use the reflex foam side. Far preferable so far! Reading the quaint Alresford Forum magazine before writing this. It looks as if they still don’t use a desktop publisher, but make prints for each add and arrange them on the page. All manner of little clubs, societies and groups.

5 November 2014

Back from Croyde after a very smooth drive home, fireworks going off in towns along the A361, M5, A303 and A34. Good to drive my car proper distances, 350 miles in all. R was marking history papers on and off and we had good music playing. The miles fell away and nearly three hours before we first stopped, near Andover. The 2003 Bora tdi got 55 mpg at national speed limits.

Found my joy of surfing once again when I bought a bodyboard. Before that, when playing on the inside, shooting along the waves without standing, things are quicker there, more vital, the water inches from the face. So after a couple of years deliberating (am I giving up?) I bought a new board, a grey topped yellow Science Mini Rig, not so mini at 42.5 cm. from Tiki in Braunton. Viper fins were the ones that fitted me best. Tiki leash (free) and socks for now. Strange to see a screwdriver piercing the soft flesh of a brand new ride. Also got a Tiki travel bag which they gave a big discount on. Sorted.

Back at the break soon after and it was a world of difference. No longer caught inside Croyde’s relentless white walls, a few rudimentary duck dives, some strong kicking and there I was out back on a five foot day, surprising R with my presence.

I had to wait around a bit for some fin cramp to release, helped by slipping them off and back on, and then I was in action. The steep faces of the waves no longer daunting, a few quick kicks and I was scooting diagonally down at great speed, surprised again to be skimming over the surface rather than part immersed in a boiling cauldron of white. Instinctively I leaned into the face instead of flying too far in front. Then, having too much fun, I forgot to let go to get back behind the wave, and pushed into the shallows, carried so fast, almost sideways.

On that one wave the surf trip was transformed. I flopped about in the small waves a silly grin on my face and belly giggling. More! It was toward sunset at the end of our Tuesday/Wednesday weekend though, so only time for a few more fast ones, but content to leave it there, the spark reignited, the bug recaught. It felt good on that Mike Stewart board, submerged in the mighty ocean, the end of the day glow between Lundy and Hartland.

I’ve heard of skiing to your door but this was surfing to our door, the high tide only meters from the steps to the Atlantic apartment. When not surfing we’d enjoyed the direct views across the beach, the famous Croyde Bay. We also had a front row seat to the annual removal of the lifeguard hut:

Croyde Lifeguard hut dismantled

And of course after each session the hot tub and sauna! Such a treat to be able to warm the body through to the bones and relax in that post surf glow, soon to be joined by friends. We can’t afford the flats high season but in the off-season there’s no place better. Ridiculous views from that jacuzzi, world class.

So the Science is rinsed, the wetsuit washed and dripping dripping into the bath, and my body feels good after the all over workout that is surfing. I’ll be keeping my magic carpet board for the smaller days but I now feel like a bodyboarder.

Sunday 2 November 2014

Was awake in the night quite a bit. These days when this happens, I usually listen to music while scanning the body over and over for sensation. It means I’m relaxed and doing good work, even if not asleep. By the time to get up, though, I’m usually in a deep sleep cycle and it takes until 0930 or so to be fully awake.
At 8-something I commuted to work from Old Alresford; a nice drive over Bramdean Common then over towards Woodlands before cutting across the A272 and up the hill to Brockwood, for a shower then to the office.
Preparing more texts of questions within talks so that audio extracts can be created by a volunteer. Wondering how to get a valuation on our archives collection.
Lunch: pasta with mushrooms. Kale side, with parsnips.
Snooze.
Verifying a direct recording in the afternoon.
Worked on the UK bank accounts, a second job, after work. Got my first payment through, which helped with the new fridge freezer I bought for C.
Pointless: start of new series. Always a fun and interesting watch, and I like to play along, and wonder how I’d do in the studio. I’ve applied to be in the audience, which will happen w/c 10 November, if it does.
Supper: Potatoes, beans, cheese – the usual.
Briefly planning leaving arrangements for the surf trip tomorrow. Going in two cars instead of the usual one, as F is staying longer than the rest of us. This time tomorrow – before – I’ll be in Croyde, Devon. And the temperature will have dropped from 20C a few days ago, to 11C…
Film night with J and S. Watched Blue Ruin, an above average indie revenge movie. Unpredictable, especially not knowing how capable the ‘hero’ is. Captivating while it lasted. At one point it was like a Home Alone for adults. Then the usual post movie discussion. I just read that it was funded by Kickstarter.

Movember Day 2. Nothing much to report. I suppose for the proper experience I should shave my chin to highlight the moustache already. For sure when I get back from surfing.

1 November 2014

Movember Day 1. Slight scratchy spikes. Business as usual.

Duncan Toms Movember Day 1

Woke at 0630 with the sunrise alarm clock. Lie in for half an hour while C did something feminine, and probably painful, to her legs in the bathroom. Yoga nidra 45 mins. Which is always like have a couple of hours more sleep.

Washed, breakfasted then we both drove to Old Alresford to be in for the fridge freezer delivery. Highly recommend buying electrical goods from Coop’s online electrical shop – the delivery company gave a one hour slot, so no waiting around all day. They were a bit early and after last week’s struggle up the stairs and damaging the compressor, it was a delight to leave the work to the two delivery men.
The Liebherr looks great! SmartSteel finish that doesn’t leave finger prints visible all over it, and a white LED light that doesn’t look all warm and… wrong, like in most fridges. Going to have to change my bulb now too. Big fridge, small freezer, just right.
Sorted out the walk-in cupboard, putting the second shelf in place and putting things where they now belong. Homes for things.
Tried to replace my car battery but the securing bolt was corroded and I didn’t have quite the right tool. Luckily the guys at Pheonix Auto Services were still there and immediately offered to do it for me as they were leaving. No charge. Another highly recommended company. They had to use something like a crowbar to wedge it out.
Took the old battery to the recycling centre. Car starts on the instant now. They thought the old one could be the original with the car – so 12 years old!
Coop in another form, for groceries and zero beer for upcoming movie night.
We both bought chips for lunch and ate them with fried eggs on the back stairs which go to the garden. Autumn sun.
Snooze.
Washed my car. Chatted with the neighbour, the niece of the landlord – who is a proper landlord, as in he lives in a stately home and C rents from him. The niece’s dog, Ouch, hasn’t got used to me yet, being a new man in the courtyard, and the jack russell having been ‘rescued’ from a grumpy uncle and so is somewhat man-weary and a bit snarly. She’d been hunting today and then readying for a party at the house. It’s another world. One I can’t help but be fascinated by.
Changed the shower hose for a longer one. Changed the fridge freezer plug for a UK one, so it can be situated much nearer the back wall. The only complaint.
Yoga in the lounge, with tratak candle meditation afterwards. Supper

A bit of Gardners World then wrote this.
Probably to bed about 20:30. Am reading Russell Brand’s Revolution. But of course, the real revolution needs to be inward.

31 October 2014

Woke with the dawn, around 0700.
No meditation or yoga nidra, but an hour in bed with my love.
Breakfast: sugar-free cornflakes, pink grapefruit juice, granola and grapes.
Shaved in preparation for Movember. Here’s my profile: http://uk.movember.com/mospace/2918297
To Portsmouth, Gunwharf for shopping. Looking for jeans and a winter coat but found neither I liked enough. Next year I’ll see if I can buy no clothes whatsoever. We always go our separate ways when shopping. It’s easier and more enjoyable that way. No lingering in women’s clothes shops.
Home for lunch: stew of butternut squash from the garden, green beans and onion, with lemon juice.
Online meeting (gotomeeting) about the new Krishnamurti website we’re developing across the four foundations. Only lasted an hour.
Snoozed.

Discovered it was the warmest recorded Halloween day in the UK, at 24C

Walk around a local loop at dusk, along the lanes and down to where the farm shop used to be, then up the ‘hobbit lane’ a sunken lane, roots visible along the banks. Atmospheric in the sunset hour. Then back through the west wood after the horse paddocks.
Yoga from the Hittleman series, but not following the timing to the dot, learning that to count detracts from feeling for micro-adjustments.
Pointless on iPlayer, hanging due to sharing internet with too many others.
Supper: Baked potatoes, sugar-free baked beans, cheddar.
Last Autumnwatch of the series. Always an enjoyable watch.
Browsed Reddit, saw this Halloween dog:

Halloween Spider Dog

Journal 2 June 2013

Woke up at 4, just as the birds began to sing.

Cleaned teeth at the open window, fresh air.

Sat on my little stool.

Watched the breath.

Watched how I controlled the breath.

Let that go.

Stillness soon came.

Travelled around the body, sensation, sensation.

Travelled some more until the organism had its own intelligence.

And it let loose.

No method or technique remained.

Awareness and action.

An hour was soon over.

Then Structural Integrity mobility drills and exercises.

Balancing out the muscle groups.

That took over an hour.

Back to bed for an hour and a half.

The best dreams.

The ones that undo and liberate as they unfold.

I was running, slow mo.

Only very lightly touching the ground.

In doing so, flying higher with each bound, I was no longer able to see.

Bounced into some ropes and rebounded back.

But all was well in my slow motion.

And on landing securely I could see again.

Back up; sun salutations.

Fried rye bread breakfast, with St Dalfour spread.

To work after saying goodbye to my partner and best friend after a long weekend.

The lowdown on the recent trustee meetings.

Excitement in the air for the opening of the school pavilions.

Email catchup. Postcards to family from our camping weekend.

Finding photos for a trustee to gift to a donor:

Krishnamurti smiling in the grass.

Fed the fish on a sunny break, chatting with a friend.

Lunch: risotto rice of two varieties, asparagus, diced roast spuds.

After lunch a short nap.

Then the opening ceremony.

Met on the south lawn, mingling and photographing.

Here’s the project manager looking at stages of the build:

Pavillions Opening 01

The oak beams still very visible in the almost-finished buildings.

Walked over en masse to the site.

Songs, speeches, ribbon cut, naming ceremony, high teas, tree planting, chats.

Took many photos for Friends of Brockwood.

Here’s one:

Pavillions Opening 35

All the pavilions are named after trees at Brockwood.

Afterwards, supper of potatoes and rye bread.

French Open, the last last set of the Federer match against a plucky local.

Cut my own hair with clippers.

Wrote this.

Aim to sleep by 10.

Meditation Journal 17 April 2013

Vipassana Meditation April 17

1 hour

Deep in the early hours of the morning, white fire in the right calf. Same in right wrist. Head shaking side to side in sweeping movements and in tiny micro vibrations like a power plate. Eyes scrunched. Right foot arch cramping. Belly drawn in and up, pulling the colon in tight, massaging inside. Moans. Dribbles. Coughs. Hand taught. Lips contorted. Neck sharp, up under the skull. Even a brain pain. All this not at the same time, thank goodness, but often one or two concurrent. Not much of the subtle awareness and deep release today. Then back to bed for a good sleep.

Meditation Journal 16 April 2013

Vipassana Meditation April 16

1 Hour

My body feels relaxed, muscles soft, shoulders and face less concerned. The ongoing ‘work’ is still very physical: deep into the neck and shoulders, and at the inner eyes and into the forehead. Right arm, wrist and feet, but these to a lesser extent than previously. Resistance to sitting: I don’t want to feel anything, just get on with the day. But I know how that goes. And I know that it’s not strong resistance, rather more like a child’s excuses not to do something perceived as slightly less fun than… watching TV or something. A few minutes after sitting down it’s gone, but there’s the ‘all over the place’ attention, scattered, dashing here and there in thought and memories. Suddenly it’s unwound and there I am, awake, daydreams over. A strong nausea soon passes and I can begin passing attention from head to feet and back again. All this is about half an hour. Then the aches, pains, tensions, tingles are immediately apparent; I don’t have to look for them. And when that’s all there is, a high-pitched pain in the neck, for example, that’s all there is. There’s no room or need for thinking at all. And it moves, the pain, so I follow it carefully, slowly, up into the skull, down into the shoulders. Then from the wrist, up the arm, back to the same spot until, suddenly, there’s no sensation – gone – and then there’s another in a different place. Repeat as necessary.

Meditation Journal 15 April 2013

Vipassana Meditation April 15

Then towards the end of the hour I find that my eyes are open and it’s over for now. Previously, moments of there being nothing but the sensation. It starts out as what I call ‘pain’ but by staying with it, or noticing any moving away, it’s no longer pain but something else, something I don’t know about – I could call it intensity but that’s still fixing it as a thing. And it’s moving, changing, evolving, doing it’s thing of it’s own accord. And the essence of this practice is that it can’t do it on it’s own – express naturally – it needs ‘me’ as a watcher, witness, observer, or beyond these ‘doing’ states, it needs awareness. It needs awareness because without it it’s locked down, alone, isolated. Tenderly I approach and in my approach it’s clear where I am not moving with care, where I’m moving with ambition or a goal, or using force, and the seeing of the non-tenderness is its undoing. Even tenderness itself may be contrived and if so that too ceases. It’s a natural dropping of the unnatural, and only then something new can take place. In the context of the pain, this ‘new’ is release, change, ending.

Meditation Journal 14 April 2013

Vipassana Meditation April 14

That’s where it’s at. Shutting up. Sitting still. Listening, watching, attending. What could be simpler? That’s probably why it’s not so common: it seems the answer, the thing to do is elsewhere, in the doing, in the experiences to be had, in the life to live and sheer gettingness of worldly life. Not to ignore worldly life, but worldy life without inner work is hollow and all to fragile in its successes and fun.

I’ve been practising lying down, about every other day. But it’s not the same. Sleep is too close by. The body is too relaxed, has to do too little. The slight work in sitting up changes a lot. The energy too is more awake, more daytimey. It’s not like sleep where there’s nothing to do, it’s not like daily activity, it’s between the two, but it’s a step away from bed relaxation. And while there, sat still this morning there was the certainty that there is nothing else to be doing at that moment. Nothing I am missing out on, nothing I should be doing, no experience grander or learning deeper. This is it. Of course I then start scheduling it in: more of this please. Or even just working out when I have time. Again, it’s simpler: if there is nothing else more valid, just do it. Once or twice a day, for an hour each time. No scheduling or persuasion needed.

Meditation Journal 4 April 2013

Vipassana Meditation April 4

am 1hr

In the stillness, the root of a stance, the origin of a snarl, the basis of a tension or an ache, the origin has a chance to change, rather than the usual chain reaction of dislike, aversion. In the stillness, ecstasy bubbling away, different day by day. One day intense sexual bliss, another day as though sex doesn’t exist, celibate  Changing changing. Deep aches at the back of the neck under the skull. Tight mouth causing the disapproving expression I see in so many others and feel emerging in my own face muscles. Right foot tight from the ankle, across the top of the foot, and sharp in the arch. And then in the stillness my attention fluttering here and there, that which isn’t still is highlighted, pinpointed, and here is my very attention, my very attitude and it’s… squirming. Writhing like an injured worm or eel. Been hurt, spiked, and now squirming in some kind of agony. Watch, feel, it’s okay. I don’t want to put it down – put it down like a sick animal, no, nor put it down and forget about it, as I know how that goes: an unsettled day, flitting from thing to thing, ability to listen or focus shot to pieces. So I watch gently, allowing things to change naturally as is their want.

Meditation Journal 28 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 28

This takes such care, delicacy, to trace the movement of the self, or of neuroticism, as it flits from subject to subject, looking for security. Care to see it as it is, not to steer it but follow it, hold it, in a loving, curious way. I call it an ‘it’ but it’s not clear it’s an thing or an entity, and if we’re not careful we get into thinking that ‘I’ am different from ‘it’. Somehow in the care and attention the two are not two, but a clearer watching of the quality of desperation, the craving, the demanding, the seeking. At moments an unwinding of this two, leaving thoughtless non-moments of joy, bliss, stillness, unity.

Meditation Journal 26 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 26

Oh the freedom! Nothing to do! Just rest and watch. And even the watching isn’t something to do. It can be, of course; it depends how you are watching, the quality of it. This might be the meaning of letting go. Not of something else – how can you do that? – it tends to equal some sort of suppression – but letting go of any ‘doing’ in the watching. Then there’s a different kind of action, direct, now, no delay, no ‘I will do’ but seeing and action together in the now, in the simplicity of sitting there. In this quiet observation, the body and mind express, have freedom to unfold and tell their story. In safety and under a listening ear. ‘Under a watchful eye’ sounds a little rude, like the eye has an attitude. No, ‘a listening ear’ is better. Poor shoulders! Taking the brunt of it, this life. Doing the best they can, storing up fears and tensions. What else could they do? And now I’m introducing the possibility of them not having to do that. Is this what karma is? The previous incomplete or ‘wrong’ actions are stored up in the organism, and they have an effect in unease and tightness, to say the least. We can’t get away with anything; there’s no cheating or escaping. Any action has a consequence, and it’s all stored up, remembered somewhere within, in the brain or body, or energetically if you prefer, and there it is, karma, waiting for you. There’s no avoiding it for ever, nor for a day really. And in the simplicity of sitting still, there is a possibility of learning not to add to it, and in the not-knowing attitude of listening to sensation, there’s a different kind of action, one that doesn’t add but allows change. A change in action, a change in mind and body right there.

Meditation Journal 24 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 24

Where are you going? Why are you pushing in that direction? What if you don’t push or do? What is the quality of doing, and of direction? What is effort and where does it come from? Is it necessary here? How subtle does doing get? What is letting go? What is letting it go on? What ceases as the new begins? Can I allow the organism free reign while in the safety of a seated position? What is pain? What prolongs it? What is pain to me? What am I doing about it? What am I up to? 

Meditation Journal 22 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 22

So angry and irritable as I sat down after a morning walk. Long term frustration, not really to do with any one thing, but very ready to fight or at least bicker. Sat down, felt it, listened to it. Upset digestion, perhaps the cause? Often the belly would draw right back toward the spine, squeezing the insides. A deep feeling of exhaustion close by, occasionally washing over my whole being and it felt like I could sleep for years. Many years of not enough of the right kind of rest and relaxation. Shoulders scrunched up toward the ears, head bowed as the neck and shoulders tensed as tight as they could, then waves of release, breath returning to normal after quite a pant. Somewhere in all of the physicality and exhaustion, the irritation lessened, the wanting to fight a thing of the past, for now at least.

Meditation Journal 21 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 21

am 1hr

Noticing the internal struggles, the sides against sides, it’s easy to think of multiple voices, each having an entity behind it, but it doesn’t seem to be that way. As we have a head and a body, a being, to put to voices externally, it’s probably the case that we think there is a ‘person’ behind internal voices. One of these we think of as ‘me’. It’s not clear though that there is any entity or entities at all. Currently it seems more like a series of reactions of thought and feeling, all taking place within this particular body and brain. To say ‘it’s mine’ or ‘me’ is a bit of a leap, a very very common leap.

Sat with the body quiet after an early morning walk. Nearby to the thoughts and wonderings was an area of intense tiredness, frustration, a bundle of pissedoffness. Thought stemming from and skirting this area, seemingly at any cost. ‘Over here,’ thought calls, skipping along, nervously or confidently. But there’s no avoiding the area for too long, and it begins to open up and the body starts responding. A new one today: the throat. Lower jaw open wide and a stretch through the jowls and into the front neck, while mentally this darker area becomes all there is. There’s not much to say about it now, no words there yet, but a scrunched face, intense forehead centre and multiple colours, with a sense that there is nowhere other to be.

Meditation Journal 20 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 20

am 1hr

All about the right hand, arm, wrist. Not so much shaking this time but minute by agonising minute, tight in a fist. Images of schoolboy fights but mainly white light as my face scrunched, a kaleidoscope of limited palate: whites, yellows, greys, shiny grey stars. In the hand such inground pain, right in by the bones, even white fire in there. I no longer know what’s in the hand and what’s in the mind. Deep tension. Held. Is it the hand holding or the mind? Both. A mutual pact that is now being renegotiated by this neutral observing newcomer. Of course the pain isn’t from fights but from the use of the dominant hand on mouse, trackpad and keyboard over the years. Before that, wrapped around a pen or pencil or joystick or controller. And now, only now, it has a chance to change. And I’m letting it as best I can. Same for all so-called gross sensations. Not so many thoughts at three-something, deep in the night at my girl’s house.

Meditation Journal 19 March 2013

Vipassana Meditation March 19

am 1hr

The sense of returning to myself continues. In touch with parts of my body it feels like I left behind years and years ago. At the beginning today there was nothing going on, just sitting at 7 o’clock in the morning, breathing, feeling. So I began the practice of moving from part to part. And yet I didn’t want to: part of me felt that would be almost neglect to do that so, to leave an element behind in the mind that asked for attention, more of a younger aspect of myself.  So this feeling of connecting, of integrating for me is the most valuable aspect of meditation. Later, when the time was right, I began the practice of moving through the body and the usual suspects were apparent: right arm, foot arches, shoulders, neck – all had the tension areas which when met with attention faded away. The warm light of awareness. At one point I was curled into a little ball, at another point shaking as fast as I can shake, but without ‘doing’ any shaking. Changes, changes. By the end my right arm was entirely stiff like I could never move it again.

I’m really into this now and I’m no longer scared of it so I’ll endeavour to make time twice a day.

pm 50 mins.

The ‘no longer scared’ comes and goes, of course. The fear of stopping still is stronger in the evening when in full daytime buzz mode and just wanting to kick back for the evening. But there’s this crazy notion not to do that but to sit in silence instead. So, to make the sitting still into the kicking back that I desire. Why can’t it be restful? If I keep it up, maybe the aches and pains cease or settle and it can be the most kicking back of kicking backness. This evening: pains in the back of the right leg, nervy. Intensity in the centre of the forehead, still there. Other pains coming and going, appearing, disappearing. Amazing really how they do that. Mind spending some time thinking about some things I hadn’t thought of. How about that! Making some plans, having some ideas. I can’t fight thoughts. Why would I? Yet there’s an ‘ouch’ as I come back out of thought. So I make the ‘ouch’ what I come back to, the attack on myself itself the object, the sensation. So there’s aches and pains mentally too, all to be explored, gently, gently.